If you are not aware or have not had to belittle yourself and join an online dating site, let me fill you in on how it works. First of all, you have to create your profile. This involves photos of yourself, likes and dislikes, your body type, what and who you are looking for, kids, pets and basically everything but your bra size (but trust me, a lot of pigs, er um I mean men, do ask that too). Once you go live, you can start window shopping for your perfect specimen. This also works the other way. All sorts of men can check you out and oh do they ever. Some are so hot that you think that they aren't real (some aren't) and there are others that are so horrendous that you hope they are tucked away in a prison cell for life (or should be). Every now and then you get surprised by one that not only is good looking, but is also good on paper. He makes a good living, likes dogs, not on social security, single and looking for more than a fling. I was so fortunate to have one these rare breeds email me. His name was Larry, 38 years old, never married, no children, owned his own home, great career and good looking. What's the catch??? These men are so extremely hard to find and whenever I do happen to stumble across one, they are usually batting for the other team. So imagine my shock when he contacted me!
We did the obligatory email exchange and he was more witty with each one. Then we moved on to the texting and phone calls. He was still funny and even came through as charming. After a week of this communication foreplay, he asked me out on a date. He suggested meeting at Starbucks (which I never do as a first date) and then suggested that we meet for ice cream. Don't rub your eyes, you read that right....ice cream! No ice cream and cocktails or ice cream after dinner, just ice cream. How does one dress for such a special event? Do I dress in layers because an ice cream shop is cold or do I wear something cute and flattering because it is a first date? Then again I could be completely overdressed because it is just ice cream. After I gave this dilemma too much thought, I settled on shorts, cleavage flattering top, flats and made sure to do big hair and low key makeup. There had to be some balance...a sexy single girl who enjoys the simple things.
I arrived to the ice cream shop on time and he was there waiting for me out front. He looked just like his photos and might have even been a bit better looking. I leaned in for a one armed hug and he went full in with both arms and squeezed me really hard. I took that as a good sign. We walked in and selected our treats. We each got two scoops in a cone and went back out front to sit and talk. It was a warm Las Vegas evening and so it made sense to dine out on the patio. Yes, that was sarcasm.
Larry was very talkative and very smooth. He always made eye contact and was very engaging in the way he spoke to me. So as soon as I finished my frozen goody, I went on to ask questions and to share a bit more about me. We had a great exchange and I really enjoyed everything that he had to say (I never even got to count the 50 states). He even said that he was looking forward to our next date and suggested seeing a show on the strip, no ice cream. If you are waiting for the ball to drop... wait no more! As the evening came to a close, we touched on the topic of online dating. He initiated the topic by asking what it was about his profile that made me interested enough to respond to his email. I explained that I found him to be attractive, he seemed to have good qualities and it was enough to make me want to learn more and potentially get to know him better. He seemed really pleased with my answer and then started to push his chair back to leave. I should have just gotten up to leave but no, I had to turn the question back onto him. I asked him what was it about me and my profile that had him interested enough to contact me? Hang on, let me go grab a strong adult beverage before I tell you what happened next!
Okay, I am back with my Las Vegas Iced Tea. I changed the name from Long Island because I like to keep it local. Anyways, Larry scooted himself back towards the table and grabbed my hand. Ooh, this was getting serious. I was a little turned on thinking he had something very flattering to say and who doesn't appreciate a compliment right? He started off his list with my smile, blond hair, well spoken in my description, no children and that I wasn't on welfare. He leaned in a bit closer and in a very soft spoken and sultry voice he said "I really like your size". Okay, wait a second. WHAT!??!!? Larry then went on to say "I only date full size women because they appreciate a good looking, fit man and are very submissive". Go ahead, go back and read that again. You heard me. He believed that bigger ladies are so thankful to have a good looking guy date them that they go above and beyond to please the man. I now expected a film crew to appear and some obnoxious guy running out from behind a car telling me that it was a joke No such luck! I released my hand from his grip, pushed my chair back and told him that I appreciated our evening but it was time to go. I turned to walk to my car and he followed me. He got just enough ahead of me to stop me in my tracks. He looked so shocked that I was leaving and asked me what the problem was. I told him how ridiculous he was for saying that and further more how absurd it was to believe that. I gave him the opportunity to say that he was kidding (which by the way, was not funny) or to elaborate in hopes that he could turn it around. No, no no, it got worse. He told me that women like "me" should be grateful that men like "him" even look at women like "us" and that when he dated women like "me", he found them to do anything and everything to please him. He felt that there was nothing wrong with his belief and clearly I was the one with the issue. I wanted so badly to hit him but instead I walked past him, got in my car and drove home. I might have stopped by the bar first but eventually I made it home.
So again we ask, why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop. I know that one day I will no longer be subjecting myself to the horror of first dates and possibly find a partner who doesn't expect me to call him master and thank him for taking a chance on a woman like "me".
Oh My God!! That is freakin' awful! I can't believe he was so open about his peculiarities; shame on him!
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