Thursday, October 13, 2011
Always have an exit strategy!
Hello everyone! Let's all put on our most sophisticated attire and step into my time machine. Be sure to take advantage of the fully stocked bar to the rear of the aircraft, buckle up and enjoy the ride! On today's journey we will be visiting a period of time where I had found myself single after my longest relationship to date. My engagement to the most boring man in the world had ended (thankfully) and I was on the prowl and feeling quite frisky.
After several failed attempts to find a steady beau from the internet, I had decided to just have a one night stand. This may sound crazy but I was tired of the horrible dates I had been experiencing. Although they made for great stories over cocktails with friends, they certainly weren't getting me any closer to a relationship or intimacy. These natural disasters were only pushing me closer to a life of therapy and/or rehab due to the amount of alcohol I was emotionally forced to consume. So I made the decision to find a guy, ignore his idiosyncrasies and take him to bed then send him home. Guys do this all of the time right so why hadn't I thought of it before? This idea would allow me to meet the guy, have sex and not care about his weird habits, boring stories, several divorces or criminal record. Perfect plan!
Now that I had this brilliant idea, I just needed the guy. I referred back to the internet data base of single gents and scrolled through many profiles until I found the one. There he was, the perfect sexual specimen. His name was Jeremy, 26 years old (younger than me), tall, good looking and he had stated that he wasn't looking for anything "long term". Hello! Match made in internet scandal heaven! I sent him an email, introduced myself and said that we had a shared interest of just a "good time" and would love to meet. He didn't waste a minute in responding and after a bit of communication, we made a date to meet at a local sports grill that Friday. Wait a second, back up....what did I just do?? Was I that desperate or just stuck on stupid? Okay, maybe the answer is both but either way, I now either had to put up or shut up. Or would that be put out and shut up?
The night before my date, which let's be honest, was really just a strange form of foreplay, I got nervous. I called up my close friend London who was almost my sister in law as she was married to my ex fiance's brother at the time. However, she did up leaving him shortly after my breakup with his brother because he was also a giant loser and dumber than a box of hair. She ended up living with me and my very large dog in a one bedroom apartment or as we called it "halfway housing" because we were suddenly free from our life sentences. Got all that?? Sorry for the detour, just wanted to share that bit because I will come back to it again in the future. So I called her up and told her about my genius plan. She insisted that her and the idiot join us on the date (not the sex) to check him out before I take him home. What a great friend and obviously the only one thinking clearly! So I had called Jeremy and let him know that it would now be somewhat of a double date and he was fine with the revision.
On Friday night, my friends and I arrived at the grill a bit early and got our table on the back patio. Of course I treated myself to several shots and a beer before Jeremy showed up. I was no longer nervous by the time he arrived. He was just as his pictures portrayed and looked harmless. We all got along very well together and you would have thought we had all been great friends for years. As the evening progressed, Jeremy and London's idiot husband were getting along like BFF's and before you knew it, us girls didn't even exist. The boys were talking about comic books (snooze), ninja movies (bigger snooze) and the oh so sexy Japanese anime (code blue). London and I enjoyed more cocktails or as I viewed them, courage in a cup and discussed my impending fling.
We finally ended our double date and I asked Jeremy if he would like to join me for a cup of coffee at my place. He agreed and all I could hope was that he didn't really want coffee because I didn't have a coffee maker. Whoops! As luck would have it, he didn't mention the nonexistent coffee but he did excuse himself to the restroom. I waited near my bedroom door and when he came out he walked up to me and the smooching began. He whispered in my ear that he wanted to sleep with me so....game on! My plan worked! No muss no fuss just sex. We did a bit more making out and then got into bed. I must admit that I was not turned on by his kissing because he was doing the Tasmanian devil tongue swirl that was far from sexy. I kept reminding myself that I was just in it for the sex, not the commitment so I let the marathon tongue go and focused on the penetration. Let's just say that the bad kissing proved to be better than the sex. How do I say this? Umm... okay here it goes. Instead of a penis, he had a pencil. It was long and very very skinny. No, it wasn't skinny, it was anorexic. This poor thing clearly hadn't eaten since the 80's. Not only were we working with a lead writing tool but we also had a boy who could last longer than a man on Viagra. He just kept going and going and I finally started my go to boredom game in my head (Maine, Vermont, Texas...) just to make time go by. This was not the fantasy I had built up in my head. I figured that in order to get this guy to finish and go home, I would have to really fake the "Big O" and hoped that he would follow suit. My mouth was so dry from all of the Lamaze breathing, not to mention still drunk and now tired but still managed to pull of my finest performance. In my best low budget porno effort, I faked my orgasm and wouldn't you know, that was all it took! He went off and off and off some more then collapsed onto the other side of the bed. Phew, all done...or was it?
I got up and went into my bathroom to get ready for bed and thought he would get the hint. No such luck Christy! I came out and there he was snuggled under the covers. This was not something I was prepared for nor did I know what to do to get him to leave. Go figure that a woman who plans everything didn't plan for her one night stand to turn into a slumber party. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Don't you have the sex and then leave? Guys are famous for this so what did I do wrong? I sat on my bed and said how great it was to meet him but I needed to get to sleep. Jeremy then started to pull the covers back not in an attempt to go but rather to join him under them. So I got back into bed and told him that I needed to get some rest because I had to leave town in the morning and it was going to be a long drive. I figured if this guy wasn't going to leave then I had to at least make a point to let him know that I planned on sleeping, not more bad sex. I set my alarm for 8am and as soon as it went off in the morning, I jumped up and got ready to leave for my imaginary road trip. I walked into the bedroom after I was finished and there he was still under the covers and petting my dog! Now I was getting very irritated and bluntly had to tell him that it was time to go. Nope, still not that easy. He said that he would stay and hang out with my dog and whenever I got back from my trip, he would be there. It was official, the Lord was punishing me for my foolish and very slutty behavior. As nice as I had been, I now had to get tough if I wanted him out of my bed and out of my life. I forcefully insisted that he go and I was sorry but I wasn't comfortable leaving him there and he was making me late by procrastinating. It worked!! He got up, gathered his things and walked out the door with me. I hugged him goodbye and said that we would talk soon. Okay so I lied to him...or so I thought.
I ended up spending my day at a friend's house and told her of my sexcapade. She was a bit judgemental but still insisted on every hideous detail. Once the day was over and I felt the coast was clear, I went home. Guess who was there in my driveway? One guess...go ahead... that's right Jeremy! Was this for real or was I just hallucinating from my overwhelming hangover? I got out the car very annoyed and asked him what he was doing there. He told me that he had left his cell phone in my bedroom and although he tried to break in to get it, he was not successful. As we walked in, I was thinking up an excuse in my mind as to why I was home so soon from my long road trip. Umm I was too hungover and turned around and came back or my car wasn't acting right or I came down with remorse flu... He got his phone and asked if I wanted to hang out which before he could finish the question I said "NO"! It might have been rude of me but at this point I was just done with the entire situation and wanted it to be over. As he left, I gave him a pat on the back and said goodbye.
If you have ever danced around the idea of a one night stand, please learn a lesson from my misery. Not only should you plan out the date, but you should always be sure to have a plan in place for their departure. You should also make sure that upon his or her exit, they have ALL of their belongings with them and leave not even a used tissue behind. Furthermore, in this day and age (not that I'm that old) it really isn't the smartest or safest thing to do. If you really need to have sex but don't have a partner, consider doing it with a friend. Oh and ladies, if you get a chance to cop a feel of his merchandise before taking him home, do so. If you can avoid bad kissing followed by even worse pencil penis sex by merely putting your hand below his equator, then do it. Otherwise know that you only have yourself to blame, not the pencil.