A date in the life...

A date in the life...

Friday, December 27, 2013

No Time Like The "Present"

As this year's Christmas draws to a close, I thought that perhaps I should reflect on the lessons I have learned from it.  As with any holiday or day of the week, I have learned that you should always be relaxed when divulging your inner most thoughts or rants.   So the quickest way to the inner peace is by drinking delicious, mind numbing yet good for the heart, red wine.  While drinking, if you feel the need to do a little downward dog or any variation of your favorite yoga pose, just be sure to set the glass down first.  No need for any unnecessary fatalities.  By fatality of course I mean, spilled wine.  This tip can also be useful in other wine consuming situations such as sex, walking the dog, vacuuming or basically any activity where you are drinking and not just sitting down.
Oh that reminds me, all this typing and drinking makes for a quickly emptied glass.  Bare with me while I fill 'er up!

I apologize for getting a bit off track there for just a moment but we all know that the topic of Merlot safety is one that should never be taken lightly.  That said, let's continue shall we?  As I began to say, I would like to share the lesson I have quickly learned this Christmas.  When I paid Santa that last visit recently to discuss my new dating strategy, I had no idea that he would act on it so vehemently!  No sooner did I swallow the last piece of miniature candy cane given to me by one of his elves, did I go out on a first date with a not so good looking chap.

This particular experiment's name was Corey (not really, but it's not worth getting sued over).  He is 6'3", caucasian, 47 years old, full head of short brown hair, nicely built (not too big, not too small), and a full set of teeth.  Are you wondering why I called him "not so good looking" yet?  I will get to it.  Just be patient and take another sip or gulp, you choose.  Corey has a great job that takes him up north to another state for two weeks at a time then home for two weeks off that seems to pay very well.  He has never been married and has no children.  He owns his current home and has a car.  You might think that having a car shouldn't get you dating points but trust me, it does!  Do you really want to be picked up for a date on Schwinn 10 speed and riding on the handle bars or sitting piggy back on a 30 mph moped?   When you total these details up you would think that he was a suitable candidate even though he carried a cell phone that was not only a flip version but might have just been the original flip phone.  Still, an ancient mobile device wasn't enough to detour me from my quest to find a mate.  We met at a low lit public place that was a log cabin type of tavern.  He had arrived 30 minutes early and I was there right on time.  I greeted him and sat down across the table from Corey and saw that there were 4 empty beer glasses as well as one half empty (or half full, depends on how you look at it) properly lined up in front of him.  Not to worry, I am not about to prove that I am a hypocrite.  For one who possesses a strong desire for red wine, I did not look down on him for the amount of beer he clearly chugged down prior to my arrival.    He was wearing a pair of dark sweat pants, sneakers, a light colored sweatshirt and a wind breaker jacket which bared the logo of a local casino.  Okay so it was a clear cut case of a wardrobe malfunction but I still refused to take him out of the running because if things were actually to progress between us, I could always help (change) his wardrobe.  

Let's pause for the cause.  My mouth is dry and there is nothing thirst quenching about an empty glass.

 If you have been keeping track you'll know that this 47 year old is good on paper, likes to drink beer and either picks out his clothes in the dark or hasn't been taught proper wardrobe etiquette in this century.  The conversation was off to a running start.  He not only went into further detail of his job but also included his upbringing in a small town and how his parents are also second cousins.  No, I am not kidding.  I would have spit up my wine at that moment but we all know how I feel about being wasteful.  The conversation quickly shifted into religion.  Stop laughing, I am not the one who brought it up!  Seeing as how my family houses Catholics, Jews, Mormons and a few back slidden Christians, there wasn't much he could say that I haven't already heard.  I grew up in a potpourri of religion in my home and nowadays I only pray to the grape infused Gods.  Next topic was about his job, again.  

After the third round of "This is my job and this is what I do", I decided it was time to go.  I am sure you have noticed that I never mentioned his face and there is a good reason for that.  I am sure that plenty of women would find him attractive but I was not one of them.  There is not enough alcohol for me to be able to describe it.  Needless to say, I was looking around a lot during that date.  I did give it a good effort and really tried to imagine that if over time, I could be attracted to him.  Bottom line is there was no spark.  Not even a flicker.  Nothing.  (Nada, for the Latin audience). Before he could indulge me into another round of my job is cool and this is how cool I am when I do it, I suggested that it was time to go.  He paid the bill and we walked out to the parking lot and to my car.  He gave me a hug and asked if he could take me out again this week before leaving for work out of town this weekend.  I gave it a thought and told him yes I would.  The only reason I agreed to this was I really wanted to give this no spark dating an old fashioned college try.  The next day I sent a text saying hello and bla bla bla and still days later, no response.  Am I disappointed, irritated and pissed off?  The answer would be a hearty "HELL NO!"   In a different situation I might be offended by the lack of response but in this case, I feel as though he did me a favor.  I didn't want to go out again but I was open to the idea of getting involved with a man with whom I couldn't look at sober or inebriated.  

So as my final glass of liquid joy empties and another one date wonder draws to a close, let's reflect on what I have learned:

1.  Santa Clause took me too literally this year.
2.  No amount of alcohol can make someone attractive.
3.  Good on paper does not make your face more appealing.
4.  A spark is very important (but only you can prevent forest fires)
5.  Chances are that when your parents are related, you and I won't be having a second date.

Thank you dear jolly fat man in the big red suit for not only giving me a Christmas present so soon but also giving me the gift of a lesson.  The lesson being that when dating, it is okay to want certain things out of a man including attraction.  

We have a new year approaching which means more reason to eat, drink, be merry and drink a bit more!  Happy 2014 and Cheers!

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Lesser Expectations

Do you hear that?  Listen closely because if you do you'll recognize that it is the sound of the soothing pour of a freshly opened bottle (okay box) of the finest Merlot that $10 can buy.  I finally bought that particular glass that holds an entire bottle of wine.   As much as I love it, it does carry with it a certain amount of guilt.  On the bright side, I save time by not having to refill my glass repeatedly or suffer from uneven biceps by constantly using my right arm to life the bottle.  However, by the time I finish the glass I feel my bubble burst when I realize that there is no more to pour.  I suppose I could be bothered to open a new bottle or I could just buy a box.  Ding Ding Ding!  It is a win win situation.  You see, not only do I fill a bottle size glass but when it's time for a refill, I actually have wine to drain from that cute little plastic spout.  Now go ahead and fill your glass (despite the size) and join me for story time...

Tastes pretty good doesn't it?

Besides discovering all of the incredible benefits of cardboard vs. glass, I have also managed to be brave and revisit the world of dating.  I know I know, you'd think I would have learned my lesson by now given all of the mishaps and train wrecks I have been involved in but no, I hang on to that little drug called hope (and sometimes Xanax).  One might also assume that after all this time and my lengthy silence that I may have found "the one" but you'd be wrong again.  I did manage to stumble across several liars, men hung up on other women and one millionaire.  In fact, I could rewrite the 12 Days of Christmas song with the bone heads I have met over the last twelve months but I'm just not sure that "3 unemployed, 2 alcoholics and 1 millionaire" is as festive.  With so many to choose from, which one do I feel like divulging the dirty details about?  To be honest, it is quite difficult to pick just one wiener, sorry winner, from the loser olympics.  So how about instead of choosing just one to share, I let you in on a little experiment that I am currently partaking in?

Time to tip the spout!  You see, with a box there are still refills available...

I have always made sure that when I agree to meet a new man, that there is a certain amount of attraction.  Let's not forget about the list I gave to Santa in the past regarding features such as height, hair or the lack of, muscles etc... and although that big fat jolly man provided such men throughout the year, all of them missed the mark.  So four weeks ago I decided to go and pay a visit to Mr. Clause and discuss my ranking on this years naughty and nice list.  After we went through the list and I found that I had landed smack dab in the middle of it, I went ahead and started the negotiation process for the type of man I am looking for in the year ahead.  After my new and improved list of demands, er um I mean qualities I would like, he began to laugh.   Okay it wasn't just laughter, it was more like a loud roar that made his belly jiggle like a bowl full of jelly (or a bottle of wine after dropping it... more reason for a box).    I was suddenly embarrassed as I realized his hysterics had drawn a crowd, or maybe it was just a line of kids waiting their turn, but still I had to leave and rethink my requests.   

After licking my wounds of humiliation, I thought long and hard about what matters most to me when choosing a mate.  Let's not be silly, of course I would still like a taller man with a career, a home, vehicle and no outstanding warrants but in the column of physical attributes, I had to make some minor adjustments:

1. Does not have to have a shaved head.   Hair is okay but it can't be long.   The 80's are over, sadly. Don't get me wrong, I love the big hair bands who gave us "you give love a bad name" or "she's my cherry pie" but when it comes to hair, above the ears not down your back.  Thank you and rock on!
2. The tattoos are now optional but not required.  Sigh....
3. Muscles are wonderful but it isn't a deal (or brick) breaker.
4. The one thing I won't budge on is height.  Be as tall as me or taller.  When a man's face just barely reaches my cleavage well.... hmmmm, maybe I will have to get back to this one later.
5. Full set of teeth whether real or fake just have some pearly whites visible when smiling.

After compiling my new list of desired male traits, I realized that I am willing to date a man that isn't that attractive or necessarily has to be cute.  You see, nowhere in that list did I mention good looking or sexy.  Just be taller than Danny Devito and have some chops to chew food with.  Armed with my revisions, I headed back to the North Pole located at the local mall and had a chat with Santa.  I sat next to his lap (didn't want to hurt the old goat) and told him that I was ready to renegotiate my Christmas wish.  The conversation went very well and instead of laughing, he actually told me that he was proud of me opening my mind to the possibility of falling in love with an unattractive man.  I was so happy to hear this from him not only because I felt that I did good by lowering my standards but also I could smell alcohol on his breath so clearly we were on the same page.  I gave him a hearty high five and he gave me a "ho ho ho" (or did he call me that) as I walked away from his winter wonderland.  

I arrived home just in time to have some liquid dinner and give further thought to my new plan.  If I find or meet a man who is not attractive, I will be open minded to going out with him.  So what if I can't look at him sober or require dim lighting at all times?  As long as he is kind, honest, funny, single, not a felon and makes an honest living then he is a candidate.  This experiment will commence once the last of the egg nog and Brandy has been poured, the Christmas trees has been put back in their boxes and the dogs holiday sweaters go back in the closet, I will then begin my quest.  Until then, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Cheers!

...and be sure to recycle those boxes ;)