A date in the life...

A date in the life...

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Ho Ho Ho

The smell of the holidays are in the air.  Everywhere I turn, I see twinkle lights and decorated trees.  It just wouldn't be Christmas without holiday songs and people in front of stores ringing a bell with a red donation bucket.  Christmas is by far my favorite holiday not because of the crappy gifts I seem to always receive but rather the joy of the season.  There is just something about the holidays that makes me ridiculously happy.  There are only two things that could literally make Christmas time perfect for me... snow and a boyfriend.  Both are very rare here in Las Vegas.  The only white powder this city sees comes in the form of an illegal substance and as far as a decent man goes, well I will get back to you on that one.  To be fair, I have met a few good men but they are either already married, gay or only date skinny women.  This year I plan to give my relationship wish list to Santa instead of making a New Year's resolution to find my soul mate.  That resolution usually works about as good as dieting does.  Maybe if I leave out a bottle of red wine (to match his suit) and a plate of something other than cookies, he might just move me from the naughty to the nice list.  

That red wine was such a good idea, that I went ahead and poured myself a glass. 

I don't think that Mr. Clause should be the only one to have a list.  Since I am a Virgo, I am very familiar with the concept of lists.  I come home from work everyday with my pockets filled with notes that I have written lists on.  I write down presents that I may have to get or grocery items that I do and do not need to buy.  Wine, yes...cookies, no.  I also keep an ongoing list of men that I have dated.  If I've slept with any of them, there is a check mark by their name.  I am that organized!  Don't ask, I am not telling you my "number."  Perhaps I should make a list of what exactly I am looking for in a mate.  This way, Santa will know exactly who to bring me.

Cookies would go really good with this wine... I should change my grocery list.

Okay my big bellied gift giver, here are my needs and desires in no particular order:

1) I really want a tall man.  When I say tall, I mean over six feet.  I am 5'10" and would love to be able to wear high heels and not have my boyfriend look like a Hobbit next to me.  

2) Please make sure that he has a job/career.  In no way am I a gold digger but let's be serious, there will come a time when getting an IOU will stop being cute, just ask my mother.  My dad gave my mom an IOU for every birthday and gift giving occasion which is probably why they got divorced.  

3) My future partner has to possess a sense of humor.  I am girl who finds laughter in everything.  I tell stupid jokes (that only I laugh at), giggle at disgusting noises (like farts), and very rarely cry.  Let's be clear, this doesn't mean I need a stand up comedian or a clown, but a man who is happy and knows how to enjoy life.  Sorry Robin Williams, no offense buddy.

4)  Must love dogs and have a heart for animals in general.  I treat my dog(s) like they are my own children.  This has nothing to do with the fact that I cannot have a baby.  I have always loved dogs and will continue to do so.  My partner has to share a similar compassion and never ever hurt my four legged kids.  You hurt my dog, you lose your penis.  You got me?

5) Religion is not my deal breaker.  I believe in God and I pray but I no longer have a religious title.  I am open to new ideas and beliefs but will have to put my foot down if he prays to a God that tells him to be a terrorist in order to get to heaven.  I have one brother who married a Jew, one brother who married a Mormon and the other brother is married to a variety of addictions and has yet to find Jesus.  I suppose 2 out of 3 isn't bad. All I ask is that he has a belief in God (and Santa of course).  

6) I am a lady who enjoys sex so please bring me a man who has at least six inches below the belt and enjoys a variety of sexual pleasures.  My stockings are always well hung so why shouldn't my man be?  I am trying to keep this clean for you Santa but if I meet one more man who is addicted to porn, has a tiny package, can't kiss worth a damn or is selfish in bed, I am going to start playing for the other team.  That means that next year I will be asking for a woman for Christmas.  That's right, you heard me! 

7) Trust, honesty and fidelity seem to be a rarity these days but my hope is to find these important qualities in my man.  No one is perfect, which is fine, but there has to be a guy out there who isn't afraid to tell the truth and doesn't feel the need to spread his seed in greener pastures.  I fantasize about a future without the fear of my boyfriend/husband cheating on me.  This fantasy also carries with it the desire to have him not afraid of commitment.  In fact, I'll take it one giant leap further and say that it would be wonderful to find that one that actually wants to get married.  Come on, you and Mrs. Clause have been married for years so I know that it is possible.

I don't want to sound greedy, so I will end my list of demands.  Of course there are little things that I would like such as a nice smile, good oral hygiene, snappy dresser, tattoos, doesn't sleep with his socks on and likes to cook but the above 7 will do just fine.  If I need to donate more money in the red buckets or sing Christmas carols door to door, I will.   I am ready to do whatever it takes to find a decent guy and to be in a long healthy relationship. The chestnuts are roasting, the egg nog is poured (with Brandy) and I am eagerly awaiting my present wrapped in a big red bow (that I can take off with my teeth)!   Now I must go brush up on my carol singing and work my way onto that "Nice List".

Merry Christmas!

Friday, November 11, 2011

Do Nice Girls Finish Last?

As far as my lack of love life is concerned, I am an open book (literally).  If the man is a pervert, criminal, drug addict or as old as Hugh Hefner, I write about it.  If the Kardashian Klan can put their lives out there for the world to see and judge, why shouldn't I?  In fact, Kim's recent failed marriage lasted 72 days and my most recent relationship lasted 30.  I should consider changing my name to Kristy instead of Christy.

Over the last month, I had been dating the tall Mr. Nice Guy with tattooed and very muscular arms.  After he had swept me off of my feet with the gesture he made while I was at the hospital with my mom and the most seductive cheek kiss on our first date, I was diggin' him.  I talked myself into the idea that I needed to give the nice guy a chance no matter how good to be true he seemed.  We ended up going out quite often and he would initiate text messages and/or phone calls throughout the day everyday.  Each time we went out to a restaurant or pub, we had great conversations.  He was never shy about his feelings toward me which included how much he liked me or some sort of adventure he hoped to take me on with him in the future.  Mr. Nice Guy was quickly turning into Mr. Too Good To Be True!  He was nice, good looking no wait, HOT, wasn't shy about his feelings and was making future plans for us.  Where is that ball and when is it going to drop?  No wait, I forgot about the chivalry.  This same man would also open doors for me, always insist on paying for the date, pull my chair out for me at the table and would even call me at the end of the date to make sure I made it home safely.  Okay, if you need a break to poor cold water on your face because you are in shock, go ahead.  I'll wait because I know how hard this is to believe!  

Let's back the love truck up and remember how me and hunky boy met.  We met each other online on a popular dating site.  During our first few dates, he had said that he was still "searching" and still dating other women.  He also said that he is traditional and likes to court the woman he is dating and believes in asking the woman to be his girlfriend.  He didn't want or like it to be assumed.  He also said that he was looking for a reason to delete his online dating profile.  All of these bits of information were well received by me because I prefer to know how a guy rolls when dating.  As far as I am concerned, I am not a fan of dating multiple men at the same time because quite frankly, it gets confusing.  This guy drives a motorcycle and this other guy has kids and that guy only likes large dogs.  It's too much just to remember all of the idiosyncrasies of just one man let alone several men.  While I am searching, I do tend to communicate with several different men at once because more than likely, most of them will get weeded out in the first few emails or text messages.  All it takes is for the genius to mention the word "threesome" or to ask "how many dates it takes before I have sex", then I cut off all communication.  However, if I meet the guy, we hit it off and begin dating, I stop searching or corresponding with other potential suitors so I can give the current guy a chance. Despite popular opinion, I don't just date for sex or blog material.  I am genuinely looking for a life partner.  I want a "plus one" for the myriad of weddings I attend so I don't keep getting the pity looks from the other guests.  I also want that kiss at midnight on New Years.  Kate Winslet said it best in the film "The Holiday", that you should be the leading lady of your own life, not just the best friend.  I have always been the best friend.  I am the third wheel at every gathering.  I am always surrounded by couples and I manage to keep a pasted smile on my face as though it doesn't bother me to be there alone.  Truth be told, it does bother me.  I am no longer in my early twenties with a group of girlfriends who are single and on the prowl.  At any given occasion, I would have at least three other friends with me who weren't in a relationship.  Now I am in my  mid thirties, cough cough, and there is no longer that guarantee of other singles to accompany me.  So now I take dating very seriously and I am in it to win it.

Here lies the beginning of the end so grab the bottle of Merlot.  

As the weeks went on, we grew more fond of one another.  The conversations went deeper, this kissing was more passionate and the attraction grew stronger.  Damn!  This is starting to sound like a romance novel.  Where's Fabio?
It got to the point where we tried to find more ways to spend time together throughout the week while balancing schedules. This seemed very promising.  Right before he left for a work trip, we sat down and planned a 3 day weekend cruise to Mexico.  He liked to travel and proposed the idea of an adventure at the end of November during Thanksgiving.  We planned out the trip online and he said that he would double check his work schedule for time off.  He told me that when he returned from his 4 day work trip out of town, he would confirm our mini vacation.  The day he left for his trip, he sent me funny pictures of him at the airport and text later that evening to say that he had arrived safe.  I didn't initiate conversation while he was away because I was respectful of what he was there to do.  He would text me here and there to talk about the seminars and to say that he couldn't wait to see me when he returned back to Vegas.
Go ahead and pour another glass...
We went out to dinner the night after he got home.  I was greeted with a huge kiss and a tight hug and he went on about he realized how much he missed me while he was away.  During dinner, he said that he likes me so much that he could see himself falling in love with me.  The clouds parted, the angels started singing...
Wow, I was one lucky girl!  This was what I wanted and I thought that maybe the days of dating disasters were finally over.  I found a man who was not only the total physical package, but open with his feelings and cared about me!  Well, he didn't formally ask me to be his girlfriend nor did he delete his online dating profile but surely that would be next right?  Wrong!  Beginning the next day, the texts and phone calls almost stopped all together.  He cancelled our date for the following night because he was tired from traveling.  After a few days of this, I text and asked if things had changed for him.  He responded with "No, I am working a lot and don't have time for personal calls and texts.  I really like you and have moved you up to Plan A".  Excuse me, I'm sorry...what?
He went on to say that yes he is still looking but out of all the women in his life, I was at the top of the priority list.

This guy had far bigger balls than I thought!  Let's recap shall we?

1) He liked me so much that he saw himself falling in love with me.
2) He missed me while he was away.
3) He was planning a cruise to Mexico, just the two of us.
4) He was still searching for women online.
5) I was now Plan A on his priority list.
6) He was too busy with work to be on his phone but yet was online on the dating site all day long.

Instead of just throwing out my first reaction, I chose to sleep on it and sort out my thoughts.  If I had responded to him right then I would have said something to the effect of him being a sorry piece of shit who does not deserve to find love.  So I thought it out and I decided the next day to let him know how I felt and what I wanted.  I said that I was a catch and deserved to be with someone who didn't keep me on the back burner while he looked for someone better.  I also told him that I was not a back up plan and that after 4-5 weeks, he should be backing up his words with his actions which he was not.  He responded by saying he was sorry I felt that way and that he didn't want drama nor want to hurt my feelings.  That sort of rubbed me wrong and I went on to say that if he was lucky enough to find a woman who didn't mind this behavior, then she was an idiot who didn't love herself.  He apologized one more time and that was it.  That's how it ended.  I used to be the doormat girl who would just sit and wait for him to decide if I was the one or not.  I would also sweep all of my discord under the rug and not mind being faithful to a man who was still dating other women.  I can't pin point the exact moment that I put my big girl panties on and decided that I deserved better than that and I would no longer put up with it but I did.  It has happened and if I am going to be serious in my quest to find my mate then I will no longer stand for disrespect.  I deserve better!

So here I am, back online shopping for Mr. Right.  There are a few prospects I'm talking to that have not yet asked me sexual questions or the size of my breasts.  They seem like decent men and I do have a date with one of them tomorrow night.  One man did offer me a large sum of  money to spend the weekend with him to make his ex jealous.  Needless to say, I did not take him up on his oh so flattering offer.
I will be sure to let the world know how my new dating adventures are going.  Wish me luck!  I will also be in touch with Kris Jenner, the ultimate Mom-a-ger, while changing my name to Kristy Kardashian.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Who's your daddy?

A bit over a month ago, I went on a date with a man I met online.  I say that I went on "a date" because it was just one.  In fact, it was more like a job interview.  Aren't dates really just interviews anyways?  This particular encounter was no exception.  Before our meeting, he had initiated conversation online and we had exchanged information via email.  I knew that he was in his 40's, had a successful career, divorced and was the same height as me.  We moved onto phone calls and texting.  He could carry on a conversation and had a sexy voice.  Wait correction, VERY sexy voice!  He could easily have a strong career as a 1-900 phone sex operator.  I am not the biggest fan of talking on the phone but with this lad, I made an exception.  I also liked what I saw in his photos and let's not forget how important attraction is.  So far, he was a strong candidate for my soul mate election.  One important detail I didn't manage to find out in the process was his name.  How could I not learn that right off the bat?  In fact, he was listed in my phone as "sexy voice guy".  During our last phone conversation, we agreed on a date that upcoming Sunday in Boulder City for brunch.  Before ending the call, I asked him in a joking manner what his name is and how he replied was a bit shocking.  His first name was the same as my deceased father's name.  We are not talking about something common like John, Mike or Joe.  No no, it was a name that whenever I hear it, makes me think of my dad.  I then asked if it was short for something or perhaps he went by a nickname.  To my dismay, his response was "No".  Suddenly the hot sexy voice was overturned by his name.  This guys poll ratings were declining quickly!  After I hung up, I sought out the advice of a friend on this pressing issue.  How could I date or let alone be intimate with a man who shares the same name as my dad?  That is just beyond disgusting and down right wrong!  My friend in all her infinite wisdom asked me if I called my father by his actual name or did I just call him dad.  Of course I called him Dad and had enough respect not to call him by his first name.  One of my brothers calls my mom by her first name to her face which always bothers me and just isn't right in my opinion.  My friends enlightenment made me realize that I could date a man who shared my father's name and worst case scenario, when in an intimate situation, I could always yell God's name.  Okay, problem solved!

Sunday afternoon rolled around and I had spent quite some time picking out an appropriate first date brunch outfit.   I didn't want to overdress but still needed to make a good first impression.  I put on dark blue jeans with hot pink heels accompanied by a simple flannel shirt.  I made sure to curl my hair and have adequate but not too much makeup on.  As I drove out to Boulder City, I got a text from him saying that he hoped I didn't dress too nice because he was only wearing shorts, t shirt and man flops.  What???!!!!   Were we going on a first date brunch or a football cookout??  Not to mention he decides to share this with me 20 minutes before I get there.  I might need a new candidate prior to the election.  I kept on driving and now even more nervous than I usually am for a first date.  I arrived in Boulder City on time to find that the town was having a big arts festival and the downtown streets were shut down.  The brunch spot that he chose just happened to be right downtown so I had to park very far from the location and make the hike in heels to the restaurant.  Once I arrived, I had to wipe many beads of sweat off of my forehead and catch my breath before I went in.  I walked in and saw him seated at a table for two sipping water.  He stood up and greeted me with a long hug. My first impression of him was he had a great smile, shorter than he stated in his profile by about 2 inches, had a hair cut from the 80's and clearly posted photos that were not recent.  Suddenly his negative column had more marks than his positive but I was still willing to give this little guy a chance.  

I happen to be a girl who gets turned on by a man saying my name in conversation.  "How was your day Christy?"  or  "Look at these earrings I bought for you Christy".  Not that I am that vain where I am in love with the sound of my name, that is not it.  It is just hearing the man that I am with acknowledge me by name really melts my butter.  Now that I am saying this out loud, I am thinking that a call to my therapist might be in order.  Hang on...
Okay, emergency session with the therapist tomorrow at 2 o'clock to address my issue of my name being a form of foreplay.  
Not only do I enjoy hearing my name but I also like to use my partner or dates name as well.  I think that it shows respect and interest.  During this brunch date I found myself in a bit of a pickle because I just couldn't say his name.  Every time I thought to say it, I would automatically think of my dad and that was too strange to be thinking of him while trying to sort out whether or not I wanted to play tongue twister with this little man.   Half way during my Cobb salad I decided that carrying the conversation was too much work and I stopped talking and gave him the floor.  I hate the almighty uncomfortable silence on dates so I tend to talk a lot.  Since this date was mentally stressing me out, I just stopped gabbing and eagerly waited to hear what my father's namesake had to say.  Get out the sharpie and let's add a few more marks in the negative column because this guy had nothing to say.  He literally sat there smiling while he ate his bacon and egg scramble.  Perhaps I missed the part of his dating profile that suggested he was a mute?  Since everything else was working against him, I could at least enjoy his hot sexy voice right?  Wrong again Christy!  He had nothing to say and just smiled at me.  I then decided to finish up the salad and start counting all 50 states in my head until the check arrived and I could leave.  

I was well aware of my long hike back to my car as well as long drive home so I made a trip to the bathroom before I left the restaurant.  I left silent Bob at the table to pay the bill and made my way into the ladies room.  It was the smallest old room with a toilet much like an airplane bathroom.  The space was so narrow that I had to straddle the seat with one leg on each side of it instead of both legs in front of me.  I finished what I went in there to do and without thinking of the lack of space, I leaned forward as I got up and hit my head on the wall.  The impact was so hard that I fell back to the toilet and had to sit for a second until the stars left my vision.  Once I got my composure, I washed up and had a bit of a giggle at the giant red mark left by my unfortunate encounter with the wall.  Upon exiting the ladies room, I found Mr. Smiley standing there waiting to escort me out.  He asked me where I parked and once I told him I thought for sure he would just say goodbye right there.  Oh no, wrong again.  He insisted on escorting me to my car and once we got to it, he hugged me and said goodbye.  During my drive home, he called my cell phone.  I was really curious what he had to say considering he had absolutely nothing to say during our date.  To my surprise, he thanked me and told me how beautiful I was and he was hoping to go out again.  Um I'm sorry, who is this and how did you get my number?  Where was this enthusiasm 15 minutes ago?  I was polite and said that we would have to see how the next week or two looks before making any plans.  Then he went on to say that the one thing he meant to ask me was what my 5 year plan is and did I want to have children.  It is official!  This guy was running for office because not only was he crazy but he was suddenly needing to know my future plans.  The next question was probably going to be in reference to how I planned to save the earth and bring peace to the middle east.  At this point, I had nothing to lose so I was honest and said that I had hoped to be in a committed relationship and as far as kids go, I was not able to have children.  That did it... end of election!  His voice dropped an octave as he told me that he felt deceived and me not being able to have children was something that I should have put in my profile online.  He then said that I was wasting his time and by not disclosing my lack of uterus online, I was in fact a liar.  He said that he wanted to be married again and wanted more children.  He finished by saying that at his age he just didn't have time to waste on women like me and need to focus on those he can have a future with.  I must have hit my head harder than I thought because there was no way that this conversation was actually happening.  Once I apologized for misleading him and said goodbye, I hung up the phone in complete shock.  I arrived back at home and was sure to block this nut job from my profile online.  I believe that I dodged a bullet with this whack job and wish I could have dodged the bathroom wall as well.  He may have left the picture but my headache stuck around for quite some time.  
On the bright side, my head contusion was good reason to open a bottle of wine and break out the pain pills.  Cheers!