A date in the life...

A date in the life...

Friday, December 16, 2011

Stand Back, I'm A Pro!

Tonight started out like any other night.  I have a very tall glass (and bottle) of red wine to my left and my laptop front and center.  I have on black stretchy pants with a pink tank top that reads "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Love".  Just to spice things up, I have on 5 different pearl bracelets and my hair is very large with curls.  The Christmas tree is twinkling with white lights and there are apple cinnamon scented candles burning all around the room.  The stage has been set for me to sit down and share a past romance disaster with the world.  I started this particular blog with the intention of sharing the story of when I was dating a man who was sleeping with his mother.  You may laugh or think I am full of crap, but sadly this is true.  As I was jotting down a few notes on the specifics of that disgusting situation, my gorgeous niece was texting me to see how things are going.  She is 21 and has taken an interest in my dating life.  She unfortunately had to learn a hard lesson in love this past year.  The situation that she found herself a victim of is that of a Hollywood movie.  If I ever come in contact with that the little bastard that screwed her over,  I will cut off his testicles.  On the bright side, he is now in jail and hopefully dropping the soap in the shower while being called a sweetheart by a very large inmate.  Karma is a bitch little man!  Okay, I apologize for the outburst but let the record show that I am very protective of my nieces and care about them as if they were my own daughters.  Anyways, during our correspondence she had asked me what was new in my world of dating.  I had shared that I went out on a date recently but it was in fact a one date wonder and didn't work out.  She pointed out that not only was it an opportunity for a new blog (which it will be) but also that I have become a professional dater.  I must admit, hearing that I have gone pro did not thrill me.  I interpreted that to mean that I was no more than a slut who would ultimately end up giving blow jobs to old men in a retirement home well into my 80's.  I quite literally downed half a bottle of Merlot before I could respond to her text.  While I took a moment to digest my adult juice and the idea of me gumming it with the old guys, it suddenly hit me that being a "pro" wasn't necessarily a bad thing.  Instead of thinking that I am the most unfortunate woman in the romance department, I could in fact be a professional dater.  Thank you my little angel for shedding new light on my very dark and often times pathetic, single life.

Now that I am in the process of changing my business cards to include "Professional Dater", I should probably back up my new title with a few words of wisdom.  I have been out of high school now for a solid 18 years which means that I have had quite some time to experience dates from all walks of life.  I have been with men from each end of the spectrum including a closet gay man, the hot guy banging his mother, a physically abusive drunk, commitment phobics and every pretty boy in between.  I can honestly tell you that each experience has been unique in one way or another but one thing remains the same, the awkward first date.  It doesn't matter what religion you practice, the country that your family comes from, your height or weight, if you prefer Macy's to Target or you are just looking for sex, you always have to at least have a first date.  The truth is, no matter what your intentions are, the first date is always the most dreaded piece of the dating puzzle.  Although you may have studied the profile of your potential mate on a dating web site or exchanged witty conversations prior to meeting, you still have to play your cards right for the first meet and greet.

It is possible that you are thinking that I couldn't possibly be a professional on the topic of first dates or any date for that matter because I am still single, however, the fact that I am not tied down in a relationship or marriage makes me the right woman for the job.  Let's be honest, I am constantly on the hunt for a long term and committed relationship (complete with lots of sex) which equals more first dates that I can keep count.

One of the most important chunks of wisdom that I can share about a first date is by no means agree to see a movie as your initial encounter.  This type of date is best reserved for a third date.  Let me set the stage for you.  You meet in front of the theater, pay a large amount of money for tickets, buy popcorn which makes your breath smell like an ass, you can't dare get a hot dog because then he'll be watching how you eat it while imagining if that's how you look giving head, and there's no way you can get candy because then your date thinks you're a fat pig who holds no regard for your weight.  Now you find seats together and chit chat about the various trivia questions on the screen but this conversation holds no substance.  You can't find out if he has a criminal past or plans to marry a few sister wives while trying to guess the winner for best drama in 1992.  Hang on, there's more.  Okay, now the movie has started and throughout the film your knees keep touching each other and you aren't sure if it is a physical gesture or merely a lack of room.  This question will then keep you wondering whether or not he or she is interested.  Then there is a chance that there might be an emotional scene in the film that brings you to tears.  Again, this is not a good idea.   A crying woman, especially on a first date can mean either you are too sensitive or you have PMS.  Either way, this is not sexy to a man.   Just the letters PMS make his penis shrink.  If by chance the man happens to shed a tear, then he is either a total pussy or he is in touch with his sensitive side.  There is a 50/50 shot here but probably not worth the risk.  So then the movie ends and you are left saying goodbye with no idea whether or not you want to see this person again because you didn't learn anything about them unless you count that they have a small bladder from their many trips to the bathroom.  So you give each other a hug then go home and wonder what the movie was even about because you didn't pay attention to it the entire 2 hours you were there.  An aquarium or local art exhibit can offer up entertainment and still allow room for conversation.

The next chunky bit of advice is do not agree on or take your date to a Mexican restaurant.  I don't care if you are part Hispanic or love guacamole, this is not the place to go for your "first time".  If this isn't an obvious tip for you then let me break it down.  Spicy food, beans and salsa can all cause smelly gas.  They can also cause you to have stomach upset which can lead to diarrhea.  Now tell me, is any of that sexy and appealing?  If you answered yes, then stop reading my blog because you are a total freak and chances are I might've dated you so move along.  Another reason not to go for Mexican food would be the noise in the restaurant.  Some places have mariachi musicians who always camp out at dining tables making the situation just that more awkward.  If it isn't live entertainment, then it is very loud satellite radio blaring from the speakers.  Any loud music makes me people talk louder and with all of that combined noise, you won't be able to have any decent getting to know you conversation because one of you will constantly be saying "what, huh" which can be very annoying.  Being annoyed is not the best emotion to evoke while trying to land a mate (that comes later).  After an evening of carbs and margaritas, you say goodnight and neither one of you have decent breath so the thought of a kiss is non existent.  On that note, be sure to cross off your list Thai food or the international palace of curry. No bueno!

First dates that involve physical activity can be a great idea.  For example, going bowling can be an excellent opportunity to make the date fun and if you are interested in the guy, you can play the helpless idiot bowler who needs lessons on how to keep the ball out of the gutter.  Any man would be thrilled to show off his athletic ability and teach you how to handle that big bad heavy ball.  There is usually alcohol served at bowling alleys so if you need a bit of liquid courage then it is at your disposal.   I always keep a flask of Rum in my handbag at all times.  It goes great with Diet Coke and no unnecessary carbs!  Also, there is no time limit or rush while bowling.  You can chat in between frames and even make friendly wagers.  If things are going well, you can always suggest a second or third game.  If things are going wrong, you can end it after the first game and use the excuse that your feet itch from the rental shoes.   Another great activity is playing miniature golf.  It is slightly competitive but still involves balls which we all can appreciate.  I would not recommend playing tennis when just getting to know someone.  This will cause a lot of sweating on both parts which isn't sexy unless you are dancing the horizontal mambo.   If by chance either one or the both of you are athletic, do not suggest a Zumba or boxing class at the gym.  You'll find yourself trying to look cute in a room filled with sweaty men and women while your jiggly parts are being viewed in the mirror by the entire place.  The only time it is acceptable for you and your partner to be sweaty with your jiggly bits on display is on a bed with the mirror over head on the ceiling.  

One of the absolute worst first date destinations are night clubs.  DON'T DO IT!  After a certain age, it is just ridiculous to go clubbing unless you are at a bachelorette party.  If the man suggests a club, then he is either a completely immature douche or a pedophile who likes checking out the 21 year old bra stuffing girls on the dance floor.  Besides, have you ever met or heard anyone say that they met their soul mate while fist pumping to LMFAO music?  This isn't the Jersey shore kids....just sayin'.

One of the greatest and maybe less obvious first date destinations is simply a pub that is also a restaurant.  It is low key but still offers up alcohol and food in a casual setting.  Now ladies, just because it is a pub doesn't mean you don't have to make an effort to look great!  Put on your best butt enhancing jeans, cute cleavage revealing shirt, high heels and make sure that your hair and make up are done.  Men, it almost doesn't matter what you wear but please give yourself a few squirts of cologne.  A nice smelling man can help us girls overlook any poor wardrobe decisions.  This may not seem like a quality place to go or sort of low budget but it really is an ideal spot.  You can sit at the table for hours and not feel rushed to leave.  You can choose just a drink if the date is a bust or take it further and share some appetizers because things are going well.  Another benefit to this particular environment is it offers great people watching.  If your conversation has hit a quiet patch or needs a change of topic, you can always point out the wasted guy falling off his chair or the slutty chick who is telling everyone about her ex bastard boyfriend who cheated on her and left her with a litter of children at home.  There are almost always TVs playing some sport or sports highlights which allows for conversations revolving around one of two favorite topic of men (the other being sex of course).  If you the female show an interest and also act a bit naive, the man will be over joyed to share with you all of his infinite wisdom.  This alone is a guaranteed erection.  Now the date is over, you have both had a few drinks and so making a move for a kiss goodnight should be easier.  Plus, a place like that won't break the bank which allows for a nicer second date and you don't look like a gold digger. 

My final thought on the topic of first date geography is this.... by no means whatsoever do you go to the other persons house.  If you do, you are either just looking to get laid and clearly not serious about a relationship or you are just dumber than a box of hair.  Come on girls, you've watched Lifetime movies, you know how that scenario ends (your face on a missing persons poster).  If your first date leaves you horny, go home and take care of business yourself.

First dates are such a broad topic of discussion which I will revisit again but for now, remember that it isn't about how much money is spent but rather a place of comfort and plenty of booze.  You should trust me on this, after all, I am a pro!

Monday, December 5, 2011

The Perfect Woman

Now that I am 36 years old, I seemed to have gained a lot of dating clarity.  Nobody warned me that this would happen nor was I prepared for such an awe inspiring moment.  I was in a horrific car accident as a teenager and the impact I felt back then does not even compare to the mental bitch slap that I have received.  The reason that I am still single is because men are looking for the perfect woman!  That's it!  All along I just figured that men only want a size zero woman, but no, they want more than that.

This is a discussion best explored with a box of wine... red of course!

As we are all aware, I had been dating Mr. Nice Guy with muscular arms and tattoos then realized that I was not good enough for him.  He was always looking for someone better yet all the while telling me how wonderful I was.  I then met a new guy named Jacob.  When Jacob and I had first started talking, I thought that he was just too hot and would never want to be with a girl who looked like me.  Let's be honest, I have learned the hard way that the Lord just doesn't like me that much.  Jacob and I had the best chats and both of us would laugh so hard and never at a loss for words.  I put on my best attitude of "take me as I am or leave it", and agreed to meet him.  We met for a quick date (one drink maximum) on a week night.  I walked into the restaurant and when I saw him, I got a boner!  This man was even hotter in person!  He greeted me with the largest smile and tightest hug.   I was pleasantly surprised by his greeting and also concerned that this guy must be hallucinating or blind.  How in the world was he was so happy to see me?  Regardless, we sat down and had a great conversation.  Once we left (remember it was a quickie date), he hugged me, kissed me and said that I was beautiful!  Okay that's it, now I know this guy was clearly taking some illegal substance.  
Just touching him gave me butterflies (and a bit of gas but that wasn't his fault) and I was sad to see our date end so fast.  Before I made it home after our "quickie", he called to say that he would like to see me again.  I was so happy to hear from him and agreed to go on another date.

The evening arrived for our second date (really our first, the quickie doesn't count as one).  I wanted everything to be perfect.  The one thing I can't do is drop a lot of weight all at once so I did take care of the things are more in  my control.  I had shaved every hair that I could, painted my toe nails, applied the best make up and had big sexy curly hair.  As I drove out to our date, I wasn't as nervous as I usually am.  I was very calm, not under the influence, and not at all nervous.  Right before I arrived at the restaurant, I stopped my car and made sure everything was in place.  After the touch ups, I proceeded to the date.  Again, Jacob greeted me with the largest smile and tight squeeze.  We spent several hours at the dinner table because we had so much to say and we got along so well.  He was scoring points in the positive column all night long and there was never a moment where I caught myself counting the US states in my head.  I didn't want the date to end.  Then before I could come up with a reason to invite myself to his place, he invited me to his house to have a glass of wine and to continue getting to know each other.  HELLO!  He offered me wine and more time with him...it was freakin' Christmas!  Thank you Santa!
I know what you are thinking.  Why would I go to his house when I don't even know him?  If you haven't figured out the answer, go back and re read what I have written so far and don't forget the wine.
So we drove to his place which was really nice.  Once we got settled with our drinks, we continued our talk.  We didn't sit far from one another and during the course of the conversation, he would lean in and kiss me.  I am not talking just a peck on the cheek but rather a long trip to France.  More points added to the positive Jacob column, ding ding ding!

After a few hours of talking and kissing, we moved our discussion to the couch where we got very cozy.  I had made it clear early in the evening that I had no intentions of sleeping with him that night.  I even took it one step further by explaining that I am looking for a relationship and not just sex.  With our clothes on, we had a very saucy make out session complete with groping.  This guy was so hot!  He did everything right and it took  me a lot of restraint not to violate him in 101 ways.  This naughty yet sexy behavior lasted for a long time and then we both pumped the brakes and stopped it before it went too far.  I excused myself to the restroom to regain my composure and fix my tangled hair before returning to the couch (also known as the scene of the crime).  We found ourselves talking about relationships and why we are both single.  Between the back and forth chat, he would compliment me and tell me how charming I was.  This was the best date ever!

During our exchange of dating nightmares, he slipped in the one question that would ultimately turn our journey on the yellow brick road into a dead end road.  Jacob asked me when the last time was that I had sex.  I told him the truth and then stupidly turned it around and asked him the same question.
Note to self:  never ask a question that you don't want to know the answer to!
He told me that he had it the morning before our date. I choked a bit on his answer, took a gulp of wine and then to make matters worse, I asked him how many women he was currently "dating".  He said that he had a lot of female friends, most of which he had dated in the past.  He said that the problem was that he would meet the woman,  feel the spark, start dating and then the female would have too much drama so he would end it.  I then went on to ask what kind of drama women had.  I never learn!  He said that it was mostly drama with their ex boyfriends/husbands, kids or lack of money.  Well...I leave my boyfriends in the past, I have never been married, I don't and can't have kids, and I am not looking for a sugar daddy.  That's right, now we are adding points to Christy's Positive Column.
I wish that I could say that all of those points added up to the possibility of a future with Jacob but I don't have the that kind of luck.  The more he spoke about the women he is dating and the ones of his past, I came to the conclusion that no woman will ever be good enough for him.  I had started to believe that there was a chance that we might have a chance at a relationship, but by the end of the date I realized it just wasn't in the cards.

Let's examine the facts shall we?
1) He thought I was beautiful, charming and had a great sense of humor (despite being overweight).
2) I don't have kids and can't have kids
3) I don't have ex boyfriend drama.  They are in the past where they belong (except for when I blog about them).  There are only a select few that I still consider friends.  One of which I would love to explore a relationship with if he lived closer.
4) I have never been married (I dodged that bullet).
5) We both had great chemistry.
6) I am self sufficient and I have a good head on my shoulders.

The evening was coming to an end as we both were falling asleep so I decided to go home.  I could have stayed the night but really, what was the point?  I appreciated his honesty but it was very disappointing to learn that there wasn't a chance with him.  He is on the search for something that he hasn't found or may not even exist.  I am not perfect nor do I claim to be but the qualities that he claims to want in a woman, I just happen to posses. There I was right in front of him, ready, willing and able and he looked me right in the eyes and said that he was still looking.  He walked me out to the car and kissed me goodnight then watched me drive away.  Part of me wanted to turn around, go back and have farewell sex but then I realized that was just the wine talking so I continued home.

What is the point of this story might you ask?  It is simple!  All this time I thought that the problem was always me.  The reason that I keep finding myself single and always making dinner for one isn't all my fault.  I keep meeting men that are looking for the perfect female speciman.  She has to be tall but shorter than the man.  She has to have a sense of humor but not tell better jokes than him.  The boobs must be large and perfectly upright on their own.  Her body must be slim but curvy, like a Kardashian (preferably Kim).  She is not allowed to have any ex boyfriends except for maybe the one who taught her how to please a man in bed.  The woman must always be ready for sex and must have in her wardrobe at least 5 different role playing costumes.  Ooh, who's running a fever and is in need of a naughty nurse to take his rectal temperature? 
She must be fashionable but not high maintenance and above all, she must be beautiful.
Notice how I didn't mention her brains and/or intelligence?  
All men ask is that the woman doesn't act smarter than their man.  It doesn't matter if we graduated from Harvard with a degree in nuclear fission, just don't make him look like an idiot.  If I have learned anything from all of my dates and relationships it's that under no circumstance appear needy.  This doesn't mean that the woman is necessarily needy but if we dare text one too many times or want to spend time with the man more just one night a week, then we are crazy.
Got all that?

Now I sit here as a single woman (still) writing about relationships, dates and the constant need for cocktails.  All the while, I am sure Jacob is sitting in front of his computer with a bra on his head, entering photos into the scanner in hopes that the perfect female specimen will appear in his doorway wearing only her underwear.

Oh and if you are a man reading this and disagree, then ask yourself this question:
Are you single?  If so, why?  


Saturday, November 19, 2011

Ho Ho Ho

The smell of the holidays are in the air.  Everywhere I turn, I see twinkle lights and decorated trees.  It just wouldn't be Christmas without holiday songs and people in front of stores ringing a bell with a red donation bucket.  Christmas is by far my favorite holiday not because of the crappy gifts I seem to always receive but rather the joy of the season.  There is just something about the holidays that makes me ridiculously happy.  There are only two things that could literally make Christmas time perfect for me... snow and a boyfriend.  Both are very rare here in Las Vegas.  The only white powder this city sees comes in the form of an illegal substance and as far as a decent man goes, well I will get back to you on that one.  To be fair, I have met a few good men but they are either already married, gay or only date skinny women.  This year I plan to give my relationship wish list to Santa instead of making a New Year's resolution to find my soul mate.  That resolution usually works about as good as dieting does.  Maybe if I leave out a bottle of red wine (to match his suit) and a plate of something other than cookies, he might just move me from the naughty to the nice list.  

That red wine was such a good idea, that I went ahead and poured myself a glass. 

I don't think that Mr. Clause should be the only one to have a list.  Since I am a Virgo, I am very familiar with the concept of lists.  I come home from work everyday with my pockets filled with notes that I have written lists on.  I write down presents that I may have to get or grocery items that I do and do not need to buy.  Wine, yes...cookies, no.  I also keep an ongoing list of men that I have dated.  If I've slept with any of them, there is a check mark by their name.  I am that organized!  Don't ask, I am not telling you my "number."  Perhaps I should make a list of what exactly I am looking for in a mate.  This way, Santa will know exactly who to bring me.

Cookies would go really good with this wine... I should change my grocery list.

Okay my big bellied gift giver, here are my needs and desires in no particular order:

1) I really want a tall man.  When I say tall, I mean over six feet.  I am 5'10" and would love to be able to wear high heels and not have my boyfriend look like a Hobbit next to me.  

2) Please make sure that he has a job/career.  In no way am I a gold digger but let's be serious, there will come a time when getting an IOU will stop being cute, just ask my mother.  My dad gave my mom an IOU for every birthday and gift giving occasion which is probably why they got divorced.  

3) My future partner has to possess a sense of humor.  I am girl who finds laughter in everything.  I tell stupid jokes (that only I laugh at), giggle at disgusting noises (like farts), and very rarely cry.  Let's be clear, this doesn't mean I need a stand up comedian or a clown, but a man who is happy and knows how to enjoy life.  Sorry Robin Williams, no offense buddy.

4)  Must love dogs and have a heart for animals in general.  I treat my dog(s) like they are my own children.  This has nothing to do with the fact that I cannot have a baby.  I have always loved dogs and will continue to do so.  My partner has to share a similar compassion and never ever hurt my four legged kids.  You hurt my dog, you lose your penis.  You got me?

5) Religion is not my deal breaker.  I believe in God and I pray but I no longer have a religious title.  I am open to new ideas and beliefs but will have to put my foot down if he prays to a God that tells him to be a terrorist in order to get to heaven.  I have one brother who married a Jew, one brother who married a Mormon and the other brother is married to a variety of addictions and has yet to find Jesus.  I suppose 2 out of 3 isn't bad. All I ask is that he has a belief in God (and Santa of course).  

6) I am a lady who enjoys sex so please bring me a man who has at least six inches below the belt and enjoys a variety of sexual pleasures.  My stockings are always well hung so why shouldn't my man be?  I am trying to keep this clean for you Santa but if I meet one more man who is addicted to porn, has a tiny package, can't kiss worth a damn or is selfish in bed, I am going to start playing for the other team.  That means that next year I will be asking for a woman for Christmas.  That's right, you heard me! 

7) Trust, honesty and fidelity seem to be a rarity these days but my hope is to find these important qualities in my man.  No one is perfect, which is fine, but there has to be a guy out there who isn't afraid to tell the truth and doesn't feel the need to spread his seed in greener pastures.  I fantasize about a future without the fear of my boyfriend/husband cheating on me.  This fantasy also carries with it the desire to have him not afraid of commitment.  In fact, I'll take it one giant leap further and say that it would be wonderful to find that one that actually wants to get married.  Come on, you and Mrs. Clause have been married for years so I know that it is possible.

I don't want to sound greedy, so I will end my list of demands.  Of course there are little things that I would like such as a nice smile, good oral hygiene, snappy dresser, tattoos, doesn't sleep with his socks on and likes to cook but the above 7 will do just fine.  If I need to donate more money in the red buckets or sing Christmas carols door to door, I will.   I am ready to do whatever it takes to find a decent guy and to be in a long healthy relationship. The chestnuts are roasting, the egg nog is poured (with Brandy) and I am eagerly awaiting my present wrapped in a big red bow (that I can take off with my teeth)!   Now I must go brush up on my carol singing and work my way onto that "Nice List".

Merry Christmas!

Friday, November 11, 2011

Do Nice Girls Finish Last?

As far as my lack of love life is concerned, I am an open book (literally).  If the man is a pervert, criminal, drug addict or as old as Hugh Hefner, I write about it.  If the Kardashian Klan can put their lives out there for the world to see and judge, why shouldn't I?  In fact, Kim's recent failed marriage lasted 72 days and my most recent relationship lasted 30.  I should consider changing my name to Kristy instead of Christy.

Over the last month, I had been dating the tall Mr. Nice Guy with tattooed and very muscular arms.  After he had swept me off of my feet with the gesture he made while I was at the hospital with my mom and the most seductive cheek kiss on our first date, I was diggin' him.  I talked myself into the idea that I needed to give the nice guy a chance no matter how good to be true he seemed.  We ended up going out quite often and he would initiate text messages and/or phone calls throughout the day everyday.  Each time we went out to a restaurant or pub, we had great conversations.  He was never shy about his feelings toward me which included how much he liked me or some sort of adventure he hoped to take me on with him in the future.  Mr. Nice Guy was quickly turning into Mr. Too Good To Be True!  He was nice, good looking no wait, HOT, wasn't shy about his feelings and was making future plans for us.  Where is that ball and when is it going to drop?  No wait, I forgot about the chivalry.  This same man would also open doors for me, always insist on paying for the date, pull my chair out for me at the table and would even call me at the end of the date to make sure I made it home safely.  Okay, if you need a break to poor cold water on your face because you are in shock, go ahead.  I'll wait because I know how hard this is to believe!  

Let's back the love truck up and remember how me and hunky boy met.  We met each other online on a popular dating site.  During our first few dates, he had said that he was still "searching" and still dating other women.  He also said that he is traditional and likes to court the woman he is dating and believes in asking the woman to be his girlfriend.  He didn't want or like it to be assumed.  He also said that he was looking for a reason to delete his online dating profile.  All of these bits of information were well received by me because I prefer to know how a guy rolls when dating.  As far as I am concerned, I am not a fan of dating multiple men at the same time because quite frankly, it gets confusing.  This guy drives a motorcycle and this other guy has kids and that guy only likes large dogs.  It's too much just to remember all of the idiosyncrasies of just one man let alone several men.  While I am searching, I do tend to communicate with several different men at once because more than likely, most of them will get weeded out in the first few emails or text messages.  All it takes is for the genius to mention the word "threesome" or to ask "how many dates it takes before I have sex", then I cut off all communication.  However, if I meet the guy, we hit it off and begin dating, I stop searching or corresponding with other potential suitors so I can give the current guy a chance. Despite popular opinion, I don't just date for sex or blog material.  I am genuinely looking for a life partner.  I want a "plus one" for the myriad of weddings I attend so I don't keep getting the pity looks from the other guests.  I also want that kiss at midnight on New Years.  Kate Winslet said it best in the film "The Holiday", that you should be the leading lady of your own life, not just the best friend.  I have always been the best friend.  I am the third wheel at every gathering.  I am always surrounded by couples and I manage to keep a pasted smile on my face as though it doesn't bother me to be there alone.  Truth be told, it does bother me.  I am no longer in my early twenties with a group of girlfriends who are single and on the prowl.  At any given occasion, I would have at least three other friends with me who weren't in a relationship.  Now I am in my  mid thirties, cough cough, and there is no longer that guarantee of other singles to accompany me.  So now I take dating very seriously and I am in it to win it.

Here lies the beginning of the end so grab the bottle of Merlot.  

As the weeks went on, we grew more fond of one another.  The conversations went deeper, this kissing was more passionate and the attraction grew stronger.  Damn!  This is starting to sound like a romance novel.  Where's Fabio?
It got to the point where we tried to find more ways to spend time together throughout the week while balancing schedules. This seemed very promising.  Right before he left for a work trip, we sat down and planned a 3 day weekend cruise to Mexico.  He liked to travel and proposed the idea of an adventure at the end of November during Thanksgiving.  We planned out the trip online and he said that he would double check his work schedule for time off.  He told me that when he returned from his 4 day work trip out of town, he would confirm our mini vacation.  The day he left for his trip, he sent me funny pictures of him at the airport and text later that evening to say that he had arrived safe.  I didn't initiate conversation while he was away because I was respectful of what he was there to do.  He would text me here and there to talk about the seminars and to say that he couldn't wait to see me when he returned back to Vegas.
Go ahead and pour another glass...
We went out to dinner the night after he got home.  I was greeted with a huge kiss and a tight hug and he went on about he realized how much he missed me while he was away.  During dinner, he said that he likes me so much that he could see himself falling in love with me.  The clouds parted, the angels started singing...
Wow, I was one lucky girl!  This was what I wanted and I thought that maybe the days of dating disasters were finally over.  I found a man who was not only the total physical package, but open with his feelings and cared about me!  Well, he didn't formally ask me to be his girlfriend nor did he delete his online dating profile but surely that would be next right?  Wrong!  Beginning the next day, the texts and phone calls almost stopped all together.  He cancelled our date for the following night because he was tired from traveling.  After a few days of this, I text and asked if things had changed for him.  He responded with "No, I am working a lot and don't have time for personal calls and texts.  I really like you and have moved you up to Plan A".  Excuse me, I'm sorry...what?
He went on to say that yes he is still looking but out of all the women in his life, I was at the top of the priority list.

This guy had far bigger balls than I thought!  Let's recap shall we?

1) He liked me so much that he saw himself falling in love with me.
2) He missed me while he was away.
3) He was planning a cruise to Mexico, just the two of us.
4) He was still searching for women online.
5) I was now Plan A on his priority list.
6) He was too busy with work to be on his phone but yet was online on the dating site all day long.

Instead of just throwing out my first reaction, I chose to sleep on it and sort out my thoughts.  If I had responded to him right then I would have said something to the effect of him being a sorry piece of shit who does not deserve to find love.  So I thought it out and I decided the next day to let him know how I felt and what I wanted.  I said that I was a catch and deserved to be with someone who didn't keep me on the back burner while he looked for someone better.  I also told him that I was not a back up plan and that after 4-5 weeks, he should be backing up his words with his actions which he was not.  He responded by saying he was sorry I felt that way and that he didn't want drama nor want to hurt my feelings.  That sort of rubbed me wrong and I went on to say that if he was lucky enough to find a woman who didn't mind this behavior, then she was an idiot who didn't love herself.  He apologized one more time and that was it.  That's how it ended.  I used to be the doormat girl who would just sit and wait for him to decide if I was the one or not.  I would also sweep all of my discord under the rug and not mind being faithful to a man who was still dating other women.  I can't pin point the exact moment that I put my big girl panties on and decided that I deserved better than that and I would no longer put up with it but I did.  It has happened and if I am going to be serious in my quest to find my mate then I will no longer stand for disrespect.  I deserve better!

So here I am, back online shopping for Mr. Right.  There are a few prospects I'm talking to that have not yet asked me sexual questions or the size of my breasts.  They seem like decent men and I do have a date with one of them tomorrow night.  One man did offer me a large sum of  money to spend the weekend with him to make his ex jealous.  Needless to say, I did not take him up on his oh so flattering offer.
I will be sure to let the world know how my new dating adventures are going.  Wish me luck!  I will also be in touch with Kris Jenner, the ultimate Mom-a-ger, while changing my name to Kristy Kardashian.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Who's your daddy?

A bit over a month ago, I went on a date with a man I met online.  I say that I went on "a date" because it was just one.  In fact, it was more like a job interview.  Aren't dates really just interviews anyways?  This particular encounter was no exception.  Before our meeting, he had initiated conversation online and we had exchanged information via email.  I knew that he was in his 40's, had a successful career, divorced and was the same height as me.  We moved onto phone calls and texting.  He could carry on a conversation and had a sexy voice.  Wait correction, VERY sexy voice!  He could easily have a strong career as a 1-900 phone sex operator.  I am not the biggest fan of talking on the phone but with this lad, I made an exception.  I also liked what I saw in his photos and let's not forget how important attraction is.  So far, he was a strong candidate for my soul mate election.  One important detail I didn't manage to find out in the process was his name.  How could I not learn that right off the bat?  In fact, he was listed in my phone as "sexy voice guy".  During our last phone conversation, we agreed on a date that upcoming Sunday in Boulder City for brunch.  Before ending the call, I asked him in a joking manner what his name is and how he replied was a bit shocking.  His first name was the same as my deceased father's name.  We are not talking about something common like John, Mike or Joe.  No no, it was a name that whenever I hear it, makes me think of my dad.  I then asked if it was short for something or perhaps he went by a nickname.  To my dismay, his response was "No".  Suddenly the hot sexy voice was overturned by his name.  This guys poll ratings were declining quickly!  After I hung up, I sought out the advice of a friend on this pressing issue.  How could I date or let alone be intimate with a man who shares the same name as my dad?  That is just beyond disgusting and down right wrong!  My friend in all her infinite wisdom asked me if I called my father by his actual name or did I just call him dad.  Of course I called him Dad and had enough respect not to call him by his first name.  One of my brothers calls my mom by her first name to her face which always bothers me and just isn't right in my opinion.  My friends enlightenment made me realize that I could date a man who shared my father's name and worst case scenario, when in an intimate situation, I could always yell God's name.  Okay, problem solved!

Sunday afternoon rolled around and I had spent quite some time picking out an appropriate first date brunch outfit.   I didn't want to overdress but still needed to make a good first impression.  I put on dark blue jeans with hot pink heels accompanied by a simple flannel shirt.  I made sure to curl my hair and have adequate but not too much makeup on.  As I drove out to Boulder City, I got a text from him saying that he hoped I didn't dress too nice because he was only wearing shorts, t shirt and man flops.  What???!!!!   Were we going on a first date brunch or a football cookout??  Not to mention he decides to share this with me 20 minutes before I get there.  I might need a new candidate prior to the election.  I kept on driving and now even more nervous than I usually am for a first date.  I arrived in Boulder City on time to find that the town was having a big arts festival and the downtown streets were shut down.  The brunch spot that he chose just happened to be right downtown so I had to park very far from the location and make the hike in heels to the restaurant.  Once I arrived, I had to wipe many beads of sweat off of my forehead and catch my breath before I went in.  I walked in and saw him seated at a table for two sipping water.  He stood up and greeted me with a long hug. My first impression of him was he had a great smile, shorter than he stated in his profile by about 2 inches, had a hair cut from the 80's and clearly posted photos that were not recent.  Suddenly his negative column had more marks than his positive but I was still willing to give this little guy a chance.  

I happen to be a girl who gets turned on by a man saying my name in conversation.  "How was your day Christy?"  or  "Look at these earrings I bought for you Christy".  Not that I am that vain where I am in love with the sound of my name, that is not it.  It is just hearing the man that I am with acknowledge me by name really melts my butter.  Now that I am saying this out loud, I am thinking that a call to my therapist might be in order.  Hang on...
Okay, emergency session with the therapist tomorrow at 2 o'clock to address my issue of my name being a form of foreplay.  
Not only do I enjoy hearing my name but I also like to use my partner or dates name as well.  I think that it shows respect and interest.  During this brunch date I found myself in a bit of a pickle because I just couldn't say his name.  Every time I thought to say it, I would automatically think of my dad and that was too strange to be thinking of him while trying to sort out whether or not I wanted to play tongue twister with this little man.   Half way during my Cobb salad I decided that carrying the conversation was too much work and I stopped talking and gave him the floor.  I hate the almighty uncomfortable silence on dates so I tend to talk a lot.  Since this date was mentally stressing me out, I just stopped gabbing and eagerly waited to hear what my father's namesake had to say.  Get out the sharpie and let's add a few more marks in the negative column because this guy had nothing to say.  He literally sat there smiling while he ate his bacon and egg scramble.  Perhaps I missed the part of his dating profile that suggested he was a mute?  Since everything else was working against him, I could at least enjoy his hot sexy voice right?  Wrong again Christy!  He had nothing to say and just smiled at me.  I then decided to finish up the salad and start counting all 50 states in my head until the check arrived and I could leave.  

I was well aware of my long hike back to my car as well as long drive home so I made a trip to the bathroom before I left the restaurant.  I left silent Bob at the table to pay the bill and made my way into the ladies room.  It was the smallest old room with a toilet much like an airplane bathroom.  The space was so narrow that I had to straddle the seat with one leg on each side of it instead of both legs in front of me.  I finished what I went in there to do and without thinking of the lack of space, I leaned forward as I got up and hit my head on the wall.  The impact was so hard that I fell back to the toilet and had to sit for a second until the stars left my vision.  Once I got my composure, I washed up and had a bit of a giggle at the giant red mark left by my unfortunate encounter with the wall.  Upon exiting the ladies room, I found Mr. Smiley standing there waiting to escort me out.  He asked me where I parked and once I told him I thought for sure he would just say goodbye right there.  Oh no, wrong again.  He insisted on escorting me to my car and once we got to it, he hugged me and said goodbye.  During my drive home, he called my cell phone.  I was really curious what he had to say considering he had absolutely nothing to say during our date.  To my surprise, he thanked me and told me how beautiful I was and he was hoping to go out again.  Um I'm sorry, who is this and how did you get my number?  Where was this enthusiasm 15 minutes ago?  I was polite and said that we would have to see how the next week or two looks before making any plans.  Then he went on to say that the one thing he meant to ask me was what my 5 year plan is and did I want to have children.  It is official!  This guy was running for office because not only was he crazy but he was suddenly needing to know my future plans.  The next question was probably going to be in reference to how I planned to save the earth and bring peace to the middle east.  At this point, I had nothing to lose so I was honest and said that I had hoped to be in a committed relationship and as far as kids go, I was not able to have children.  That did it... end of election!  His voice dropped an octave as he told me that he felt deceived and me not being able to have children was something that I should have put in my profile online.  He then said that I was wasting his time and by not disclosing my lack of uterus online, I was in fact a liar.  He said that he wanted to be married again and wanted more children.  He finished by saying that at his age he just didn't have time to waste on women like me and need to focus on those he can have a future with.  I must have hit my head harder than I thought because there was no way that this conversation was actually happening.  Once I apologized for misleading him and said goodbye, I hung up the phone in complete shock.  I arrived back at home and was sure to block this nut job from my profile online.  I believe that I dodged a bullet with this whack job and wish I could have dodged the bathroom wall as well.  He may have left the picture but my headache stuck around for quite some time.  
On the bright side, my head contusion was good reason to open a bottle of wine and break out the pain pills.  Cheers!

Friday, October 28, 2011

There is a right way and a WRONG way...

For most women, the day your true love (or true love at the time) proposes marriage to you, it is supposed to be one of the greatest moments of your life.  This is true for many people but for this unfortunate blonde, it was one of the worst experiences I have ever had.  From start to finish, this "happy moment" marked a period of my life I wish I could erase.  Since I am not that powerful and I don't have the ability to change the past, I have to do the only thing I can with this mess...blog about it.

I had been in a long relationship with Harry and we had talked about marriage on and off for awhile before he proposed.  Before I go on, I should say that Harry is not his name but he was so hairy that I found it fitting that I give him this particular name.  The more appropriate name should be Sasquatch because when he was naked, he was still a furry beast.  Moving on...  It was Christmas time and I had been out of town for work and the night I flew home, Harry had planned on popping the question.  My flight was due to arrive around 6pm on December 23rd where he would pick me up and take me to dinner.  His family was coming to town the next day for Christmas and he thought it would be nice to have some quiet time together before the madness.  FYI, this was not his normal thoughtful behavior.  His idea of a quiet time together was going to the nearest bookstore.  I wish I was joking, but I am not.  The smell of books, especially in the library, was as big a turn on to him as would be an adult store complete with private rooms and glory holes to a pervert.  On that evening, my flight was severely delayed due to a snow storm and my plane had to circle for hours before it could land.  By the time I got off the plane, it was midnight and the restaurant we were going to was already closed.  I was tired and he was irritated so we just agreed to grab some fast food and eat it at home.  We ate our cold burgers and exchanged small talk before going to bed.  I had been gone on my trip long enough that I was wanting to have sex with him before I fell asleep.  So we had sex... if you can call it that?

Before I go on about the engagement,  I should offer up some back story on who he was, the sad sex between us and the unfortunate size of his penis.  Harry is older than me by a good 10 years but acted even older than my deceased grandfather.  He had been married prior to my arrival in his life and was left by his ex wife Helen for other men.  Excuse me, I said "other men" which was true but eventually she settled down with one of them and even married the guy.  So poor Harry was left broken hearted for years before I entered the picture.  I always told myself that he was over her but the truth was, he was never over her.  I believe that he loved her even more as his life went on (with me in it).  Helen remained a part of his life to a point because there was a child involved but she never really had much of an interest in Harry until he and I moved in together.  It was like magic!  Poof!  There she was every single day calling, coming over unannounced and needing favors from him.  This relationship was not just Christy and Harry, it was a threesome and not the good kind that happens one drunken night in Vegas (story for another time).  During our intimate moments together, I couldn't help but think that he wished it was her in bed, not me.  The sex was that bad!  The only reason I could come up with for the pathetic romps was that he was thinking of her.  I would think of creative ways to spice things up but he would never go for them.  One night it hit me, it wasn't me and it wasn't really bad sex, it was the very tiny penis he was cursed with.  This is not me taking a shot at him, trust me.  When that little thing was soft, it was just a head with no shaft.  When it was hard, there was about an inch maybe two, of a shaft.  No, scratch that, two inches is too generous.  This sorry thing was lacking in every department.  I had made several attempts at different positions, toys and flavored lubricants but it was always bad sex.  Anything but missionary was impossible due to the fact that his minuscule wiener couldn't reach.  Why would I want to be with a man who was lacking in the bedroom and still loved another woman?  To this day, the only reason I can come up with was insanity followed by the need to feel wanted and loved.  Pathetic isn't it, I know!

The evening of December 23rd, Harry and I went to bed around 2 am and had sex.  Something was definitely different this time.  Not only was I faking the pleasure I was vocalizing but he seemed to be either half asleep or something was on his mind (besides Helen).  Half way through it, I had to ask him if there was something wrong.  He told me that he was just tired and suggested that we just call it a night.  I agreed and went to the bathroom to freshen up before I went to sleep.  When I got back to our room, he was sitting on the edge of the bed with a very strange look on his face.  He told me to have a seat next to him because we had "to talk". Oh no, here it goes.  We are breaking up right before Christmas and I have to figure out where to move on Christmas Eve.  OH SHIT!  He was soft spoken and proceeded to tell me how he cares about me and he has enjoyed being with me and all the while I was mentally packing my bags.  Then he pulled out a ring and asked me to marry him.  What???!!!  I was in such shock that I shook my head yes and he handed me the box then he laid down and went to sleep before I actually said the word "yes".  I opened the box to find a small diamond eternity band and put it on.  This was not the proposal fantasy that I had always envisioned.  In fact, it was a far cry.  Where were the rose petals, sky writing from a jet, a crowd of fans at a hockey game cheering for us as he proposed on bended knee or just pure romance?  I had trouble falling asleep at that point because I just kept playing the evening over in my head in disbelief.  

On Christmas Eve morning, we both awoke as if nothing had changed and went about our day.  I tried to get excited our engagement  and so I started calling my family to share the news.  I thought that maybe their enthusiasm would rub off on me.  The first call was to my mother.  She answered the phone and was very happy to hear from me.  "Mom, I have some news" and she paused then said "If you are calling to tell me you are engaged to THAT man, then know that I don't support it".  That's right, you heard me!  She was not a fan of his but it wasn't until this moment that I realized just how deep her disdain ran.  I told her that yes he had proposed and we were going to get married.  She told me that she would not support it and Merry Christmas then hung up.  After the shock of call number one, I then called my oldest brother.  Our father had passed away and I had always held my brother in very high regard.  I felt that my brother and I were a lot alike and I often times respected him far more than our own dad.  His blessing and support would mean more to me than anyone else in my family and so I was very nervous to hear his reaction.  To my surprise, he was very happy for me and I asked him if he would give me away at my wedding.  He agreed to take the place of my father and seemed very touched by the gesture.  Once we ended the phone call, I was in better spirits and decided to make the most out of the engagement and to enjoy the planning of our wedding.  I called my other brothers and they seemed happy for me as well.  Okay, truth is that one of them was too high to really show enthusiasm or grasp what I was saying and the other brother seemed happy but I wasn't sold on his blessing.  

Christmas Day arrived and after all of the gifts were opened by him and his family, I sat and waited for my gift from Harry.  I was still sitting and waiting while everyone got up and started breakfast.  He walked over and said that he was sorry that he didn't buy me anything  to open but planned to take me to the jewelry store the next week to pick out the engagement ring that I would want.  He continued to explain that he only picked out the one I had because he didn't want to propose empty handed.  He had also wanted to propose at the restaurant we had planned on going to but my flight was delayed and he didn't want to lose his nerve.  That night, he announced to his family that we were going to get married and the response was very mixed.  His father was emotional and gave a nice toast over dinner and his siblings were "so so" about their joy for us.  I reminded myself to continue to make the most out of it because it wasn't to be about anyone else but us.  A few days later, we drove to a jewelry store and looked over the ring selection.  I didn't want anything too bulky because in my profession, I wash my hands all day and always putting on and taking off latex gloves.  My goal was to find a ring that fit with the band I was already given.  After a few minutes of browsing, we were approached by a salesman.  He introduced himself as Brian and my sweetheart said "Hi, I'm Harry and this is my fiance Helen".  Yes, that's right he called me his fiance Helen.  Once Brian turned to me and said "Hello Helen", my face turned white and jaw dropped to the floor.  Harry then realized what he said and asked me if I still wanted to marry him.  I excused myself and walked outside hyperventilating.  He followed me out the door and grabbed my arm to stop me from leaving.  He apologized and said that he just wasn't used to saying "my fiance Christy".  He promised that it was just a slip of the tongue and he loved me.  I was so angry that I decided to hit him where it hurt, his wallet.  I forced a fake smile and agreed to go back into the store.  When we got back into the shop, he corrected who I was to the salesman and asked to see wedding rings.  I started scouting out the biggest one I could find and once I found it, I told Brian my ring size and wanted to know when it would be ready.  I thought Harry was going to have a stroke (too bad he didn't) when we found out the price.  Again, I didn't want something big and extravagant but I was bitter and hurt and knew that this would hurt him too.  The ring was very beautiful and looked amazing on my finger but to be honest, every time I looked at it I wasn't enthused.  I was always a little sad when I wore it.  It represented the moment that I realized that he did really wish it was Helen he was proposing to and I would never be good enough.  This would be the beginning of the end and yes, it did end and not happily ever after.  

I was and always have been a believer in signs whether they were placed in front of me by God or just a coincidental billboard that happened to appear at the right time.  After this horrific proposal and life changing event, I am even more a believer in signs.  They are everywhere and if you don't take them seriously, you might just have to learn the lessons the hard way.  

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Open Wide!

Okay my littler perverts, this is not a story of a naughty gynecologist fantasy (although I've had those) but rather a true account of my date with a dentist.  No, I was not flat on my back in the dental chair with my mouth open when we met.  He found me on the almighty dating website for the lonely and desperate folks.  At first glance, he wasn't what you would call attractive but his profile was very witty and seemed very straight forward.  He wasn't "looking for a one night stand but someone to have fun with" and this caught my attention.  Finally, a man who wasn't wanting the wham bam hand me a tissue ma'am!!  His initial email to me had "Open Wide" in the subject line and once I realized he was a dentist, I found it funny.  We exchanged several messages and went straight to phone conversation, not texts.  We seemed to hit it off so fast that I agreed to meet him right away.

We met on a Friday night at the MGM casino in a lounge.  The location of this date is an important detail (and should always be) because I was not aware that any lounge or bar in the MGM is situated as far away from the parking garage as possible.  Seeing as how this was a first date, I made sure to put on high heels that were very uncomfortable but sexy.  Sexy shoes are imperative for the first meeting because it puts the image in your dates head of you naked wearing only the heels.  Since we are all ladies here, of course we won't be sleeping with the man right away but the image will still be embedded their mind.  The first date checklist for ladies should include the hot shoes, a little bit of cleavage, nice perfume (not too strong) and subtle earrings.  What we tend to notice of the men are how he smells, his clothing, hair and any visible scars.  On this evening, my 3 inch platform heels had met the criteria however, caused many foot blisters due to my marathon through the MGM.  Perhaps I should have added sweat bands and socks to my first date attire?

I arrived to the lounge (limping) and he was seated on a couch near the entrance.  I caught my breath and approached him.  He stood up and greeted me with a big tight hug and offered me a cocktail.  He was very good looking in person and I had to wonder if his photos online were of his not so fortunate brother instead of him. Normally I would be very irritated by meeting a man who didn't look like his photos but was willing to make an exception in his case.  I sat down, ordered a glass of red wine (not white, I'm allergic) and started my full body scan.  He dressed very well, smelled of a nice cologne, no visible scars and naturally had a very white smile.  We started with chit chat and after my first glass of wine, I called him out on his photos.  He laughed and told me that he liked to play down his appearance in hopes that his potential date would want to meet him for deeper reasons.  No offense doc, but a lot of women will date a doctor/dentist because of his bank account, not his looks.  Either way, I gave him credit for thinking it made a difference in his case.  For the record, I am not very picky or excited over a man's profession and I wouldn't date a man merely because he had the letters Dr. before his name.  I have worked with many doctors and if anything, it makes me not like them and certainly not want to sleep with them.  The God complex is very real and it comes with a very large ego and small penis.  The ego does not stay at work, it enters the front door at night too.  There was something more to this dentist during our communication prior to the date that intrigued me to meet him.  Maybe he was absent the day that the God complexes were handed out or by some miracle, he broke the mold.

Two hours into our date, I had started to believe that this guy was a true find.  He made me laugh quite a bit and was very forthcoming about who he was and in turn, wanted to know about me.  He had been engaged but called off his wedding when he realized he wasn't the only man in his relationship.  I could certainly relate to that story and he wasn't sure if he wanted kids.  I know, could he be more perfect?  He excused himself to the restroom and once he came back to our seats, he seemed a little different.  He had this nervous energy to him that he hadn't shown before.  Did he accidentally soil his pants?  Did he happen to meet someone through a glory hole?  I couldn't figure out why he was acting different but he didn't suggest leaving so it couldn't be that bad.  As soon as I finished my drink, he paid the bill and wanted to move on to a different bar within the casino.  Oh Lord no, more walking and my feet still hadn't cooled off from my first sprint.

We arrived at the next bar which was less crowded and full of women.  There must have been a special drink offer that I was not aware of "Buy one drink, get one lady free".  Once we were seated at the table, his attitude was different again.  This guy wasn't just a dentist, he was also a man with multiple personality disorder.  He wasn't just nervous, but almost excited like a virgin at a brothel.  I set the paranoia aside and started up the conversation by asking about his hobbies.  He cut me off half way through and said in a very serious tone (another personality if you are keeping score) "Look Christy, you are with a man who parties".  Umm okay, what?!??!  I quickly stopped talking and allowed him to continue.  He told me that although he isn't dating for one night stands, he does like to have sex with 3 women at a time while high on cocaine.  I was still silent not so much due to shock but I was waiting for him to say he was joking.  He must have taken my silence to mean I was interested and so he continued to tell me of his plans for the evening.  Are you ready for this?  He said that he had arranged for two women to join us at the bar where we currently were and that he came packing with a hefty amount of Coke and Ecstasy in his pocket.  Nope, I am not kidding and there is one more detail...wait for it.  The two women were at the bar seated behind us and he had a suite upstairs ready for our party.  The only thing I thought to say at the moment was "Cocaine is really bad for your teeth".  That's right, this freaky dentist just planned out a night of drugs and sex with other women and all I thought to do was tell him, the dental professional, that drugs were bad for his teeth.  I suppose shock can make you say stupid things and in this case, I certainly did.

Before I left the date, I was sure to ask Dr. Kinky why he thought I would be a candidate for the situation.  Brace yourself, here comes another personality!  He acted very irritated and explained that he felt that I would be very grateful to be with a successful, handsome man and furthermore, appreciate that a man of his stature would even consider taking me out, let alone inviting me to an evening of drug induced passion.  This man had quite the cavity of honesty and continued to tell me that I should consider joining him and his ladies for the night because opportunities like this will not knock down my door often. It was also pointed out that I did say in my profile that I like to have fun.  Okay, I need to delete that ASAP because clearly it means I like to party like I am 21 year old in Vegas for the weekend.  I was really intrigued by his thought process and instead of getting up to leave, I asked him to tell me what it was about me that should be so grateful.  Granted, I was well aware of how I felt about him now but was strangely curious as to how he viewed me prior to our nightmare date.  One more personality before I go...  He let out a bit of a giggle and proceeded to say that although I had a "pretty face", I was in no position to be picky about men and should know that if I lost weight, I could then afford to be more selective.  He also threw me a bit of a bone and said that I had a "great personality".  I stood up to leave and wouldn't you know it, he stood up and gave me a hug.  Seriously!  I started my journey out to the parking garage and took off my shoes.  That's right, I braved the casino floor barefooted because after that disaster, I did not deserve nor desire one more blister.

What else could I possibly say after that date?  Truth is, that evening spoke for itself.  Thanks for the date and the blisters dirty dentist.  From now on, I just say no the dentist and "maybe" to the hot gynecologist.  I know he may have the God complex but at least he knows how the vagina works.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Welcome Aboard

Anyone that has ever been on a airplane or even plans to be for the first time, is well aware of the almighty bag restrictions.  If your bag is this size, weighs this much or doesn't fit into a small space, it has to be checked on and better yet, will end up costing you more money.  I personally take full advantage of the rule that allows you to bring on board one small personal item as well as a carry on piece of baggage.  I find the largest purse that I have and pack it completely full of my toiletries, accessories, magazines and hair tools.  The carry on luggage then gets packed full of my undergarments and nighties.  After all of that, I still need to check on 2 large (under 50lb) bags that house the clothing and shoes.  I can't help but envy the men that I see carrying on a laptop bag (personal item) and then a small carry on that literally holds everything they need.  It completely fascinates me!  I guarantee if you ever observe the baggage claim carousels in the airport, most of the luggage being claimed is by women.  If you happen to see men at them, they are merely there to accompany the women and to carry their bags. 

So, what does this have to do with dating you might ask?  Well, the older I get (mid 30's) and the more men I meet, the more I realize that we all have baggage.  I believe that as soon as we graduate high school, we have officially purchased our first set of matching luggage.  First job, first kiss, first love, first heart break and for some, losing our virginity.  These days you may even find that a lot of students graduating from junior high school have these accomplishments under their belts....Lord help us all!  Fast forward 20 years and not only have we added to our lists of great loves, heartbreak and careers but now we have to added children, mortgage, debt, disaster, divorce and greater skepticism into the mix.  It's no wonder why pharmaceutical companies are producing such a wide variety of anti depressants and anti anxiety medications.  I'm confident that rehab centers would have a greater occupancy if people could actually afford to go.  Sadly, it is cheaper to get drunk and forget your worries than to recover from addiction.  Why do I bring all of this up and bring all of us down?  It is all a part of our baggage.  Forget the toiletries, shoes and clothing and make room for all of the emotional crap.

Hang on, all that talk made me so depressed that I need to go wash down a few Valium with a Rum and diet coke (no carbs ladies). 

Now that I am under the influence and feeling better, let's continue...

If you ever find yourself on the dating websites or even on blind dates (good ol' friend of a friend connection), you'll either read or hear the words uttered "please, no baggage".  What you will also find is that it is men making this request of women.  It seems as though men believe that it is we, the almighty female, that carry the most emotional baggage.  Why is this?  Is it assumed because women carry very large expensive handbags or merely because women are known for being over emotional and highly irrational?  Is that really the reason we have more luggage on flights?  We are no longer packing 20 pair of shoes, instead we are squeezing every bit of our emotional past into a confined space sealed by a zipper.  That is why zippers are so unstable and tend to break.  Our emotional drama is literally busting out the seams!

Buckle up boys and girls...here is where it gets bumpy!  Not to worry, the bitchy flight attendants will be by shortly to serve you a beverage and tiny bag of nuts(be sure to ask for two).

While I do agree that women tend to be more open with their emotions, I do not agree that we carry more baggage.  Yep, we just hit turbulence!  Amongst the many lessons I have learned from failed dates and relationships is that men actually do carry very large expensive bags with them especially on the first date.  Ladies, it is true!  I have heard men complain and some even cry about how women have screwed them over and made them unable to trust again, bla bla bla.. and all of this over the first drink on our initial date.  I have to admit that there is nothing sexier and more attractive than a man whining about the evil women of his past while making the pathetic attempt to get me to go home with him.  Check please! 

Men, if you are lucky enough to get us to a second date or even a committed relationship, please do not continue to compare us to the train wrecks of your past.  For example, if you were dating or married to a jealous woman who had to know what you were doing every second of the day,  then that doesn't mean we (your current partner) are repeating their behavior merely because we text or call to say hello.  We make those particular gestures because we are thinking about you!  When women are happy with a man, we let them know by doing the little things.  We call, text, email or greet you with a big hug and a kiss when we see you.  Also, if we happen to ask what you are doing or where you are, we are either striking up conversation or might need you to pick something up (tampons) for us on your way home.  Women aren't accusing you of skirting around...really. 

Now might be a good time to mention that if you men have found yourselves in the middle of a war with your ex because of the her physical insecurities, it does not mean that the next in line will battle over it too.  If your female partner in crime doesn't like you looking at other women in public, it doesn't mean we are insecure.  Put on your oxygen mask and catch your breath, this is not a joke!  When we get to spend time with the man with whom we adore and then catch them  eyeballing another woman, it just pisses us off!  Call me crazy but if we are with you, then appreciate it and keep your eyes on the prize.  Go ahead and stare, drool and fantasize all you want but not when we are sitting across from you.  What you don't seem to realize is how much effort we put into our appearance.  There is a reason it takes us so long to get ready before we go out.  We don't do it to admire ourselves in a mirror all night, it is for you...the man.  We want to be appealing to you and further more, we would love nothing more than for you to notice it and appreciate it.  If we put on something pretty or spend an hour making sure every single hair is in place, that means we have confidence.  The smallest thing that means the most would be a compliment for our efforts.  Nice dress honey, you look beautiful, your boobs look hot...anything!  Just don't make a mockery of our hard work by giving that silent compliment to a complete stranger walking past our table.  Again, we are looking hot for you, not for ourselves.  Okay, so put that bag in the garbage where it belongs and stop carrying it over your shoulder.

One final important note would be the oh so touchy subject of 24 karat gold encrusted bags also known as gold digging.   Now I grant you that there are many women out there searching for the winning lottery ticket with a penis attached to it, but that doesn't mean that all women are greedy whores.  If the ex wife or girlfriend took you to the cleaners and walked away with half of your good fortune, then don't take that out on your new relationship.  Here is the perfect example!  Valentines Day, we are all familiar with it.  I hear a lot of men and women say that it is just a day to pour money into the flower and jewelry economy, but it is also a day to remind yourselves and partners just how much you love them.  Okay, it is also a day where single people tend to get drunk and jump off the nearest bridge.  I give you that.  However, when that day in February arrives, us girls do anticipate how our men are going to show us their love.  Every time a fresh batch of flowers gets delivered to our work, we hold our breath and wait to hear whose name is on that card.  If by the end of the day we did not get any flowers, then we are hoping that there is something good in store for us when we get home.  Let me repeat myself, this does not mean we are gold digging.  This means that we would love a little gift on this day to show you care.  Here is the biggest secret for you boys that you may not know, if you give us anything, a card, chocolates, jewelry or flowers then you in return, will get a blow job and penetration.  Hell, we might even really take one for the team and swallow.   You heard me!  However, that might require a significant piece of jewelry.  Just sayin'.  This Valentines Day gift giving also applies to birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas.  For all of you married folks that have been together for years and think that gifts aren't important for either the husband or wife, WRONG!  Think about it.  It's been years since your partner gave a gift, made a loving gesture or gave you multiple orgasms so why not now?  After 10 years together, if your wife wants something nice on Valentines Day, that does not imply that she intends to take half of your net worth.  Put that baggage away and appreciate that if you give her a little you will get "it" in return.

I have so much more to say about baggage and of course women carry their share too, but I am continuously amazed at men and how far they are willing to carry it.  For now, let's put our tray tables and seats back in their full upright position and prepare for landing.  Be sure not to forget to check the overhead compartment for your bags and be aware that they may have shifted during flight.