Friday, December 16, 2011
Stand Back, I'm A Pro!
Tonight started out like any other night. I have a very tall glass (and bottle) of red wine to my left and my laptop front and center. I have on black stretchy pants with a pink tank top that reads "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Love". Just to spice things up, I have on 5 different pearl bracelets and my hair is very large with curls. The Christmas tree is twinkling with white lights and there are apple cinnamon scented candles burning all around the room. The stage has been set for me to sit down and share a past romance disaster with the world. I started this particular blog with the intention of sharing the story of when I was dating a man who was sleeping with his mother. You may laugh or think I am full of crap, but sadly this is true. As I was jotting down a few notes on the specifics of that disgusting situation, my gorgeous niece was texting me to see how things are going. She is 21 and has taken an interest in my dating life. She unfortunately had to learn a hard lesson in love this past year. The situation that she found herself a victim of is that of a Hollywood movie. If I ever come in contact with that the little bastard that screwed her over, I will cut off his testicles. On the bright side, he is now in jail and hopefully dropping the soap in the shower while being called a sweetheart by a very large inmate. Karma is a bitch little man! Okay, I apologize for the outburst but let the record show that I am very protective of my nieces and care about them as if they were my own daughters. Anyways, during our correspondence she had asked me what was new in my world of dating. I had shared that I went out on a date recently but it was in fact a one date wonder and didn't work out. She pointed out that not only was it an opportunity for a new blog (which it will be) but also that I have become a professional dater. I must admit, hearing that I have gone pro did not thrill me. I interpreted that to mean that I was no more than a slut who would ultimately end up giving blow jobs to old men in a retirement home well into my 80's. I quite literally downed half a bottle of Merlot before I could respond to her text. While I took a moment to digest my adult juice and the idea of me gumming it with the old guys, it suddenly hit me that being a "pro" wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Instead of thinking that I am the most unfortunate woman in the romance department, I could in fact be a professional dater. Thank you my little angel for shedding new light on my very dark and often times pathetic, single life.
Now that I am in the process of changing my business cards to include "Professional Dater", I should probably back up my new title with a few words of wisdom. I have been out of high school now for a solid 18 years which means that I have had quite some time to experience dates from all walks of life. I have been with men from each end of the spectrum including a closet gay man, the hot guy banging his mother, a physically abusive drunk, commitment phobics and every pretty boy in between. I can honestly tell you that each experience has been unique in one way or another but one thing remains the same, the awkward first date. It doesn't matter what religion you practice, the country that your family comes from, your height or weight, if you prefer Macy's to Target or you are just looking for sex, you always have to at least have a first date. The truth is, no matter what your intentions are, the first date is always the most dreaded piece of the dating puzzle. Although you may have studied the profile of your potential mate on a dating web site or exchanged witty conversations prior to meeting, you still have to play your cards right for the first meet and greet.
It is possible that you are thinking that I couldn't possibly be a professional on the topic of first dates or any date for that matter because I am still single, however, the fact that I am not tied down in a relationship or marriage makes me the right woman for the job. Let's be honest, I am constantly on the hunt for a long term and committed relationship (complete with lots of sex) which equals more first dates that I can keep count.
One of the most important chunks of wisdom that I can share about a first date is by no means agree to see a movie as your initial encounter. This type of date is best reserved for a third date. Let me set the stage for you. You meet in front of the theater, pay a large amount of money for tickets, buy popcorn which makes your breath smell like an ass, you can't dare get a hot dog because then he'll be watching how you eat it while imagining if that's how you look giving head, and there's no way you can get candy because then your date thinks you're a fat pig who holds no regard for your weight. Now you find seats together and chit chat about the various trivia questions on the screen but this conversation holds no substance. You can't find out if he has a criminal past or plans to marry a few sister wives while trying to guess the winner for best drama in 1992. Hang on, there's more. Okay, now the movie has started and throughout the film your knees keep touching each other and you aren't sure if it is a physical gesture or merely a lack of room. This question will then keep you wondering whether or not he or she is interested. Then there is a chance that there might be an emotional scene in the film that brings you to tears. Again, this is not a good idea. A crying woman, especially on a first date can mean either you are too sensitive or you have PMS. Either way, this is not sexy to a man. Just the letters PMS make his penis shrink. If by chance the man happens to shed a tear, then he is either a total pussy or he is in touch with his sensitive side. There is a 50/50 shot here but probably not worth the risk. So then the movie ends and you are left saying goodbye with no idea whether or not you want to see this person again because you didn't learn anything about them unless you count that they have a small bladder from their many trips to the bathroom. So you give each other a hug then go home and wonder what the movie was even about because you didn't pay attention to it the entire 2 hours you were there. An aquarium or local art exhibit can offer up entertainment and still allow room for conversation.
The next chunky bit of advice is do not agree on or take your date to a Mexican restaurant. I don't care if you are part Hispanic or love guacamole, this is not the place to go for your "first time". If this isn't an obvious tip for you then let me break it down. Spicy food, beans and salsa can all cause smelly gas. They can also cause you to have stomach upset which can lead to diarrhea. Now tell me, is any of that sexy and appealing? If you answered yes, then stop reading my blog because you are a total freak and chances are I might've dated you so move along. Another reason not to go for Mexican food would be the noise in the restaurant. Some places have mariachi musicians who always camp out at dining tables making the situation just that more awkward. If it isn't live entertainment, then it is very loud satellite radio blaring from the speakers. Any loud music makes me people talk louder and with all of that combined noise, you won't be able to have any decent getting to know you conversation because one of you will constantly be saying "what, huh" which can be very annoying. Being annoyed is not the best emotion to evoke while trying to land a mate (that comes later). After an evening of carbs and margaritas, you say goodnight and neither one of you have decent breath so the thought of a kiss is non existent. On that note, be sure to cross off your list Thai food or the international palace of curry. No bueno!
First dates that involve physical activity can be a great idea. For example, going bowling can be an excellent opportunity to make the date fun and if you are interested in the guy, you can play the helpless idiot bowler who needs lessons on how to keep the ball out of the gutter. Any man would be thrilled to show off his athletic ability and teach you how to handle that big bad heavy ball. There is usually alcohol served at bowling alleys so if you need a bit of liquid courage then it is at your disposal. I always keep a flask of Rum in my handbag at all times. It goes great with Diet Coke and no unnecessary carbs! Also, there is no time limit or rush while bowling. You can chat in between frames and even make friendly wagers. If things are going well, you can always suggest a second or third game. If things are going wrong, you can end it after the first game and use the excuse that your feet itch from the rental shoes. Another great activity is playing miniature golf. It is slightly competitive but still involves balls which we all can appreciate. I would not recommend playing tennis when just getting to know someone. This will cause a lot of sweating on both parts which isn't sexy unless you are dancing the horizontal mambo. If by chance either one or the both of you are athletic, do not suggest a Zumba or boxing class at the gym. You'll find yourself trying to look cute in a room filled with sweaty men and women while your jiggly parts are being viewed in the mirror by the entire place. The only time it is acceptable for you and your partner to be sweaty with your jiggly bits on display is on a bed with the mirror over head on the ceiling.
One of the absolute worst first date destinations are night clubs. DON'T DO IT! After a certain age, it is just ridiculous to go clubbing unless you are at a bachelorette party. If the man suggests a club, then he is either a completely immature douche or a pedophile who likes checking out the 21 year old bra stuffing girls on the dance floor. Besides, have you ever met or heard anyone say that they met their soul mate while fist pumping to LMFAO music? This isn't the Jersey shore kids....just sayin'.
One of the greatest and maybe less obvious first date destinations is simply a pub that is also a restaurant. It is low key but still offers up alcohol and food in a casual setting. Now ladies, just because it is a pub doesn't mean you don't have to make an effort to look great! Put on your best butt enhancing jeans, cute cleavage revealing shirt, high heels and make sure that your hair and make up are done. Men, it almost doesn't matter what you wear but please give yourself a few squirts of cologne. A nice smelling man can help us girls overlook any poor wardrobe decisions. This may not seem like a quality place to go or sort of low budget but it really is an ideal spot. You can sit at the table for hours and not feel rushed to leave. You can choose just a drink if the date is a bust or take it further and share some appetizers because things are going well. Another benefit to this particular environment is it offers great people watching. If your conversation has hit a quiet patch or needs a change of topic, you can always point out the wasted guy falling off his chair or the slutty chick who is telling everyone about her ex bastard boyfriend who cheated on her and left her with a litter of children at home. There are almost always TVs playing some sport or sports highlights which allows for conversations revolving around one of two favorite topic of men (the other being sex of course). If you the female show an interest and also act a bit naive, the man will be over joyed to share with you all of his infinite wisdom. This alone is a guaranteed erection. Now the date is over, you have both had a few drinks and so making a move for a kiss goodnight should be easier. Plus, a place like that won't break the bank which allows for a nicer second date and you don't look like a gold digger.
My final thought on the topic of first date geography is this.... by no means whatsoever do you go to the other persons house. If you do, you are either just looking to get laid and clearly not serious about a relationship or you are just dumber than a box of hair. Come on girls, you've watched Lifetime movies, you know how that scenario ends (your face on a missing persons poster). If your first date leaves you horny, go home and take care of business yourself.
First dates are such a broad topic of discussion which I will revisit again but for now, remember that it isn't about how much money is spent but rather a place of comfort and plenty of booze. You should trust me on this, after all, I am a pro!