Friday, December 16, 2011
Tonight started out like any other night. I have a very tall glass (and bottle) of red wine to my left and my laptop front and center. I have on black stretchy pants with a pink tank top that reads "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Love". Just to spice things up, I have on 5 different pearl bracelets and my hair is very large with curls. The Christmas tree is twinkling with white lights and there are apple cinnamon scented candles burning all around the room. The stage has been set for me to sit down and share a past romance disaster with the world. I started this particular blog with the intention of sharing the story of when I was dating a man who was sleeping with his mother. You may laugh or think I am full of crap, but sadly this is true. As I was jotting down a few notes on the specifics of that disgusting situation, my gorgeous niece was texting me to see how things are going. She is 21 and has taken an interest in my dating life. She unfortunately had to learn a hard lesson in love this past year. The situation that she found herself a victim of is that of a Hollywood movie. If I ever come in contact with that the little bastard that screwed her over, I will cut off his testicles. On the bright side, he is now in jail and hopefully dropping the soap in the shower while being called a sweetheart by a very large inmate. Karma is a bitch little man! Okay, I apologize for the outburst but let the record show that I am very protective of my nieces and care about them as if they were my own daughters. Anyways, during our correspondence she had asked me what was new in my world of dating. I had shared that I went out on a date recently but it was in fact a one date wonder and didn't work out. She pointed out that not only was it an opportunity for a new blog (which it will be) but also that I have become a professional dater. I must admit, hearing that I have gone pro did not thrill me. I interpreted that to mean that I was no more than a slut who would ultimately end up giving blow jobs to old men in a retirement home well into my 80's. I quite literally downed half a bottle of Merlot before I could respond to her text. While I took a moment to digest my adult juice and the idea of me gumming it with the old guys, it suddenly hit me that being a "pro" wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Instead of thinking that I am the most unfortunate woman in the romance department, I could in fact be a professional dater. Thank you my little angel for shedding new light on my very dark and often times pathetic, single life.
Now that I am in the process of changing my business cards to include "Professional Dater", I should probably back up my new title with a few words of wisdom. I have been out of high school now for a solid 18 years which means that I have had quite some time to experience dates from all walks of life. I have been with men from each end of the spectrum including a closet gay man, the hot guy banging his mother, a physically abusive drunk, commitment phobics and every pretty boy in between. I can honestly tell you that each experience has been unique in one way or another but one thing remains the same, the awkward first date. It doesn't matter what religion you practice, the country that your family comes from, your height or weight, if you prefer Macy's to Target or you are just looking for sex, you always have to at least have a first date. The truth is, no matter what your intentions are, the first date is always the most dreaded piece of the dating puzzle. Although you may have studied the profile of your potential mate on a dating web site or exchanged witty conversations prior to meeting, you still have to play your cards right for the first meet and greet.
It is possible that you are thinking that I couldn't possibly be a professional on the topic of first dates or any date for that matter because I am still single, however, the fact that I am not tied down in a relationship or marriage makes me the right woman for the job. Let's be honest, I am constantly on the hunt for a long term and committed relationship (complete with lots of sex) which equals more first dates that I can keep count.
One of the most important chunks of wisdom that I can share about a first date is by no means agree to see a movie as your initial encounter. This type of date is best reserved for a third date. Let me set the stage for you. You meet in front of the theater, pay a large amount of money for tickets, buy popcorn which makes your breath smell like an ass, you can't dare get a hot dog because then he'll be watching how you eat it while imagining if that's how you look giving head, and there's no way you can get candy because then your date thinks you're a fat pig who holds no regard for your weight. Now you find seats together and chit chat about the various trivia questions on the screen but this conversation holds no substance. You can't find out if he has a criminal past or plans to marry a few sister wives while trying to guess the winner for best drama in 1992. Hang on, there's more. Okay, now the movie has started and throughout the film your knees keep touching each other and you aren't sure if it is a physical gesture or merely a lack of room. This question will then keep you wondering whether or not he or she is interested. Then there is a chance that there might be an emotional scene in the film that brings you to tears. Again, this is not a good idea. A crying woman, especially on a first date can mean either you are too sensitive or you have PMS. Either way, this is not sexy to a man. Just the letters PMS make his penis shrink. If by chance the man happens to shed a tear, then he is either a total pussy or he is in touch with his sensitive side. There is a 50/50 shot here but probably not worth the risk. So then the movie ends and you are left saying goodbye with no idea whether or not you want to see this person again because you didn't learn anything about them unless you count that they have a small bladder from their many trips to the bathroom. So you give each other a hug then go home and wonder what the movie was even about because you didn't pay attention to it the entire 2 hours you were there. An aquarium or local art exhibit can offer up entertainment and still allow room for conversation.
The next chunky bit of advice is do not agree on or take your date to a Mexican restaurant. I don't care if you are part Hispanic or love guacamole, this is not the place to go for your "first time". If this isn't an obvious tip for you then let me break it down. Spicy food, beans and salsa can all cause smelly gas. They can also cause you to have stomach upset which can lead to diarrhea. Now tell me, is any of that sexy and appealing? If you answered yes, then stop reading my blog because you are a total freak and chances are I might've dated you so move along. Another reason not to go for Mexican food would be the noise in the restaurant. Some places have mariachi musicians who always camp out at dining tables making the situation just that more awkward. If it isn't live entertainment, then it is very loud satellite radio blaring from the speakers. Any loud music makes me people talk louder and with all of that combined noise, you won't be able to have any decent getting to know you conversation because one of you will constantly be saying "what, huh" which can be very annoying. Being annoyed is not the best emotion to evoke while trying to land a mate (that comes later). After an evening of carbs and margaritas, you say goodnight and neither one of you have decent breath so the thought of a kiss is non existent. On that note, be sure to cross off your list Thai food or the international palace of curry. No bueno!
First dates that involve physical activity can be a great idea. For example, going bowling can be an excellent opportunity to make the date fun and if you are interested in the guy, you can play the helpless idiot bowler who needs lessons on how to keep the ball out of the gutter. Any man would be thrilled to show off his athletic ability and teach you how to handle that big bad heavy ball. There is usually alcohol served at bowling alleys so if you need a bit of liquid courage then it is at your disposal. I always keep a flask of Rum in my handbag at all times. It goes great with Diet Coke and no unnecessary carbs! Also, there is no time limit or rush while bowling. You can chat in between frames and even make friendly wagers. If things are going well, you can always suggest a second or third game. If things are going wrong, you can end it after the first game and use the excuse that your feet itch from the rental shoes. Another great activity is playing miniature golf. It is slightly competitive but still involves balls which we all can appreciate. I would not recommend playing tennis when just getting to know someone. This will cause a lot of sweating on both parts which isn't sexy unless you are dancing the horizontal mambo. If by chance either one or the both of you are athletic, do not suggest a Zumba or boxing class at the gym. You'll find yourself trying to look cute in a room filled with sweaty men and women while your jiggly parts are being viewed in the mirror by the entire place. The only time it is acceptable for you and your partner to be sweaty with your jiggly bits on display is on a bed with the mirror over head on the ceiling.
One of the absolute worst first date destinations are night clubs. DON'T DO IT! After a certain age, it is just ridiculous to go clubbing unless you are at a bachelorette party. If the man suggests a club, then he is either a completely immature douche or a pedophile who likes checking out the 21 year old bra stuffing girls on the dance floor. Besides, have you ever met or heard anyone say that they met their soul mate while fist pumping to LMFAO music? This isn't the Jersey shore kids....just sayin'.
One of the greatest and maybe less obvious first date destinations is simply a pub that is also a restaurant. It is low key but still offers up alcohol and food in a casual setting. Now ladies, just because it is a pub doesn't mean you don't have to make an effort to look great! Put on your best butt enhancing jeans, cute cleavage revealing shirt, high heels and make sure that your hair and make up are done. Men, it almost doesn't matter what you wear but please give yourself a few squirts of cologne. A nice smelling man can help us girls overlook any poor wardrobe decisions. This may not seem like a quality place to go or sort of low budget but it really is an ideal spot. You can sit at the table for hours and not feel rushed to leave. You can choose just a drink if the date is a bust or take it further and share some appetizers because things are going well. Another benefit to this particular environment is it offers great people watching. If your conversation has hit a quiet patch or needs a change of topic, you can always point out the wasted guy falling off his chair or the slutty chick who is telling everyone about her ex bastard boyfriend who cheated on her and left her with a litter of children at home. There are almost always TVs playing some sport or sports highlights which allows for conversations revolving around one of two favorite topic of men (the other being sex of course). If you the female show an interest and also act a bit naive, the man will be over joyed to share with you all of his infinite wisdom. This alone is a guaranteed erection. Now the date is over, you have both had a few drinks and so making a move for a kiss goodnight should be easier. Plus, a place like that won't break the bank which allows for a nicer second date and you don't look like a gold digger.
My final thought on the topic of first date geography is this.... by no means whatsoever do you go to the other persons house. If you do, you are either just looking to get laid and clearly not serious about a relationship or you are just dumber than a box of hair. Come on girls, you've watched Lifetime movies, you know how that scenario ends (your face on a missing persons poster). If your first date leaves you horny, go home and take care of business yourself.
First dates are such a broad topic of discussion which I will revisit again but for now, remember that it isn't about how much money is spent but rather a place of comfort and plenty of booze. You should trust me on this, after all, I am a pro!
Monday, December 5, 2011
Now that I am 36 years old, I seemed to have gained a lot of dating clarity. Nobody warned me that this would happen nor was I prepared for such an awe inspiring moment. I was in a horrific car accident as a teenager and the impact I felt back then does not even compare to the mental bitch slap that I have received. The reason that I am still single is because men are looking for the perfect woman! That's it! All along I just figured that men only want a size zero woman, but no, they want more than that.
This is a discussion best explored with a box of wine... red of course!
As we are all aware, I had been dating Mr. Nice Guy with muscular arms and tattoos then realized that I was not good enough for him. He was always looking for someone better yet all the while telling me how wonderful I was. I then met a new guy named Jacob. When Jacob and I had first started talking, I thought that he was just too hot and would never want to be with a girl who looked like me. Let's be honest, I have learned the hard way that the Lord just doesn't like me that much. Jacob and I had the best chats and both of us would laugh so hard and never at a loss for words. I put on my best attitude of "take me as I am or leave it", and agreed to meet him. We met for a quick date (one drink maximum) on a week night. I walked into the restaurant and when I saw him, I got a boner! This man was even hotter in person! He greeted me with the largest smile and tightest hug. I was pleasantly surprised by his greeting and also concerned that this guy must be hallucinating or blind. How in the world was he was so happy to see me? Regardless, we sat down and had a great conversation. Once we left (remember it was a quickie date), he hugged me, kissed me and said that I was beautiful! Okay that's it, now I know this guy was clearly taking some illegal substance.
Just touching him gave me butterflies (and a bit of gas but that wasn't his fault) and I was sad to see our date end so fast. Before I made it home after our "quickie", he called to say that he would like to see me again. I was so happy to hear from him and agreed to go on another date.
The evening arrived for our second date (really our first, the quickie doesn't count as one). I wanted everything to be perfect. The one thing I can't do is drop a lot of weight all at once so I did take care of the things are more in my control. I had shaved every hair that I could, painted my toe nails, applied the best make up and had big sexy curly hair. As I drove out to our date, I wasn't as nervous as I usually am. I was very calm, not under the influence, and not at all nervous. Right before I arrived at the restaurant, I stopped my car and made sure everything was in place. After the touch ups, I proceeded to the date. Again, Jacob greeted me with the largest smile and tight squeeze. We spent several hours at the dinner table because we had so much to say and we got along so well. He was scoring points in the positive column all night long and there was never a moment where I caught myself counting the US states in my head. I didn't want the date to end. Then before I could come up with a reason to invite myself to his place, he invited me to his house to have a glass of wine and to continue getting to know each other. HELLO! He offered me wine and more time with him...it was freakin' Christmas! Thank you Santa!
I know what you are thinking. Why would I go to his house when I don't even know him? If you haven't figured out the answer, go back and re read what I have written so far and don't forget the wine.
So we drove to his place which was really nice. Once we got settled with our drinks, we continued our talk. We didn't sit far from one another and during the course of the conversation, he would lean in and kiss me. I am not talking just a peck on the cheek but rather a long trip to France. More points added to the positive Jacob column, ding ding ding!
After a few hours of talking and kissing, we moved our discussion to the couch where we got very cozy. I had made it clear early in the evening that I had no intentions of sleeping with him that night. I even took it one step further by explaining that I am looking for a relationship and not just sex. With our clothes on, we had a very saucy make out session complete with groping. This guy was so hot! He did everything right and it took me a lot of restraint not to violate him in 101 ways. This naughty yet sexy behavior lasted for a long time and then we both pumped the brakes and stopped it before it went too far. I excused myself to the restroom to regain my composure and fix my tangled hair before returning to the couch (also known as the scene of the crime). We found ourselves talking about relationships and why we are both single. Between the back and forth chat, he would compliment me and tell me how charming I was. This was the best date ever!
During our exchange of dating nightmares, he slipped in the one question that would ultimately turn our journey on the yellow brick road into a dead end road. Jacob asked me when the last time was that I had sex. I told him the truth and then stupidly turned it around and asked him the same question.
Note to self: never ask a question that you don't want to know the answer to!
He told me that he had it the morning before our date. I choked a bit on his answer, took a gulp of wine and then to make matters worse, I asked him how many women he was currently "dating". He said that he had a lot of female friends, most of which he had dated in the past. He said that the problem was that he would meet the woman, feel the spark, start dating and then the female would have too much drama so he would end it. I then went on to ask what kind of drama women had. I never learn! He said that it was mostly drama with their ex boyfriends/husbands, kids or lack of money. Well...I leave my boyfriends in the past, I have never been married, I don't and can't have kids, and I am not looking for a sugar daddy. That's right, now we are adding points to Christy's Positive Column.
I wish that I could say that all of those points added up to the possibility of a future with Jacob but I don't have the that kind of luck. The more he spoke about the women he is dating and the ones of his past, I came to the conclusion that no woman will ever be good enough for him. I had started to believe that there was a chance that we might have a chance at a relationship, but by the end of the date I realized it just wasn't in the cards.
Let's examine the facts shall we?
1) He thought I was beautiful, charming and had a great sense of humor (despite being overweight).
2) I don't have kids and can't have kids
3) I don't have ex boyfriend drama. They are in the past where they belong (except for when I blog about them). There are only a select few that I still consider friends. One of which I would love to explore a relationship with if he lived closer.
4) I have never been married (I dodged that bullet).
5) We both had great chemistry.
6) I am self sufficient and I have a good head on my shoulders.
The evening was coming to an end as we both were falling asleep so I decided to go home. I could have stayed the night but really, what was the point? I appreciated his honesty but it was very disappointing to learn that there wasn't a chance with him. He is on the search for something that he hasn't found or may not even exist. I am not perfect nor do I claim to be but the qualities that he claims to want in a woman, I just happen to posses. There I was right in front of him, ready, willing and able and he looked me right in the eyes and said that he was still looking. He walked me out to the car and kissed me goodnight then watched me drive away. Part of me wanted to turn around, go back and have farewell sex but then I realized that was just the wine talking so I continued home.
What is the point of this story might you ask? It is simple! All this time I thought that the problem was always me. The reason that I keep finding myself single and always making dinner for one isn't all my fault. I keep meeting men that are looking for the perfect female speciman. She has to be tall but shorter than the man. She has to have a sense of humor but not tell better jokes than him. The boobs must be large and perfectly upright on their own. Her body must be slim but curvy, like a Kardashian (preferably Kim). She is not allowed to have any ex boyfriends except for maybe the one who taught her how to please a man in bed. The woman must always be ready for sex and must have in her wardrobe at least 5 different role playing costumes. Ooh, who's running a fever and is in need of a naughty nurse to take his rectal temperature?
She must be fashionable but not high maintenance and above all, she must be beautiful.
Notice how I didn't mention her brains and/or intelligence?
All men ask is that the woman doesn't act smarter than their man. It doesn't matter if we graduated from Harvard with a degree in nuclear fission, just don't make him look like an idiot. If I have learned anything from all of my dates and relationships it's that under no circumstance appear needy. This doesn't mean that the woman is necessarily needy but if we dare text one too many times or want to spend time with the man more just one night a week, then we are crazy.
Got all that?
Now I sit here as a single woman (still) writing about relationships, dates and the constant need for cocktails. All the while, I am sure Jacob is sitting in front of his computer with a bra on his head, entering photos into the scanner in hopes that the perfect female specimen will appear in his doorway wearing only her underwear.
Oh and if you are a man reading this and disagree, then ask yourself this question:
Are you single? If so, why?