Monday, December 5, 2011
The Perfect Woman
Now that I am 36 years old, I seemed to have gained a lot of dating clarity. Nobody warned me that this would happen nor was I prepared for such an awe inspiring moment. I was in a horrific car accident as a teenager and the impact I felt back then does not even compare to the mental bitch slap that I have received. The reason that I am still single is because men are looking for the perfect woman! That's it! All along I just figured that men only want a size zero woman, but no, they want more than that.
This is a discussion best explored with a box of wine... red of course!
As we are all aware, I had been dating Mr. Nice Guy with muscular arms and tattoos then realized that I was not good enough for him. He was always looking for someone better yet all the while telling me how wonderful I was. I then met a new guy named Jacob. When Jacob and I had first started talking, I thought that he was just too hot and would never want to be with a girl who looked like me. Let's be honest, I have learned the hard way that the Lord just doesn't like me that much. Jacob and I had the best chats and both of us would laugh so hard and never at a loss for words. I put on my best attitude of "take me as I am or leave it", and agreed to meet him. We met for a quick date (one drink maximum) on a week night. I walked into the restaurant and when I saw him, I got a boner! This man was even hotter in person! He greeted me with the largest smile and tightest hug. I was pleasantly surprised by his greeting and also concerned that this guy must be hallucinating or blind. How in the world was he was so happy to see me? Regardless, we sat down and had a great conversation. Once we left (remember it was a quickie date), he hugged me, kissed me and said that I was beautiful! Okay that's it, now I know this guy was clearly taking some illegal substance.
Just touching him gave me butterflies (and a bit of gas but that wasn't his fault) and I was sad to see our date end so fast. Before I made it home after our "quickie", he called to say that he would like to see me again. I was so happy to hear from him and agreed to go on another date.
The evening arrived for our second date (really our first, the quickie doesn't count as one). I wanted everything to be perfect. The one thing I can't do is drop a lot of weight all at once so I did take care of the things are more in my control. I had shaved every hair that I could, painted my toe nails, applied the best make up and had big sexy curly hair. As I drove out to our date, I wasn't as nervous as I usually am. I was very calm, not under the influence, and not at all nervous. Right before I arrived at the restaurant, I stopped my car and made sure everything was in place. After the touch ups, I proceeded to the date. Again, Jacob greeted me with the largest smile and tight squeeze. We spent several hours at the dinner table because we had so much to say and we got along so well. He was scoring points in the positive column all night long and there was never a moment where I caught myself counting the US states in my head. I didn't want the date to end. Then before I could come up with a reason to invite myself to his place, he invited me to his house to have a glass of wine and to continue getting to know each other. HELLO! He offered me wine and more time with him...it was freakin' Christmas! Thank you Santa!
I know what you are thinking. Why would I go to his house when I don't even know him? If you haven't figured out the answer, go back and re read what I have written so far and don't forget the wine.
So we drove to his place which was really nice. Once we got settled with our drinks, we continued our talk. We didn't sit far from one another and during the course of the conversation, he would lean in and kiss me. I am not talking just a peck on the cheek but rather a long trip to France. More points added to the positive Jacob column, ding ding ding!
After a few hours of talking and kissing, we moved our discussion to the couch where we got very cozy. I had made it clear early in the evening that I had no intentions of sleeping with him that night. I even took it one step further by explaining that I am looking for a relationship and not just sex. With our clothes on, we had a very saucy make out session complete with groping. This guy was so hot! He did everything right and it took me a lot of restraint not to violate him in 101 ways. This naughty yet sexy behavior lasted for a long time and then we both pumped the brakes and stopped it before it went too far. I excused myself to the restroom to regain my composure and fix my tangled hair before returning to the couch (also known as the scene of the crime). We found ourselves talking about relationships and why we are both single. Between the back and forth chat, he would compliment me and tell me how charming I was. This was the best date ever!
During our exchange of dating nightmares, he slipped in the one question that would ultimately turn our journey on the yellow brick road into a dead end road. Jacob asked me when the last time was that I had sex. I told him the truth and then stupidly turned it around and asked him the same question.
Note to self: never ask a question that you don't want to know the answer to!
He told me that he had it the morning before our date. I choked a bit on his answer, took a gulp of wine and then to make matters worse, I asked him how many women he was currently "dating". He said that he had a lot of female friends, most of which he had dated in the past. He said that the problem was that he would meet the woman, feel the spark, start dating and then the female would have too much drama so he would end it. I then went on to ask what kind of drama women had. I never learn! He said that it was mostly drama with their ex boyfriends/husbands, kids or lack of money. Well...I leave my boyfriends in the past, I have never been married, I don't and can't have kids, and I am not looking for a sugar daddy. That's right, now we are adding points to Christy's Positive Column.
I wish that I could say that all of those points added up to the possibility of a future with Jacob but I don't have the that kind of luck. The more he spoke about the women he is dating and the ones of his past, I came to the conclusion that no woman will ever be good enough for him. I had started to believe that there was a chance that we might have a chance at a relationship, but by the end of the date I realized it just wasn't in the cards.
Let's examine the facts shall we?
1) He thought I was beautiful, charming and had a great sense of humor (despite being overweight).
2) I don't have kids and can't have kids
3) I don't have ex boyfriend drama. They are in the past where they belong (except for when I blog about them). There are only a select few that I still consider friends. One of which I would love to explore a relationship with if he lived closer.
4) I have never been married (I dodged that bullet).
5) We both had great chemistry.
6) I am self sufficient and I have a good head on my shoulders.
The evening was coming to an end as we both were falling asleep so I decided to go home. I could have stayed the night but really, what was the point? I appreciated his honesty but it was very disappointing to learn that there wasn't a chance with him. He is on the search for something that he hasn't found or may not even exist. I am not perfect nor do I claim to be but the qualities that he claims to want in a woman, I just happen to posses. There I was right in front of him, ready, willing and able and he looked me right in the eyes and said that he was still looking. He walked me out to the car and kissed me goodnight then watched me drive away. Part of me wanted to turn around, go back and have farewell sex but then I realized that was just the wine talking so I continued home.
What is the point of this story might you ask? It is simple! All this time I thought that the problem was always me. The reason that I keep finding myself single and always making dinner for one isn't all my fault. I keep meeting men that are looking for the perfect female speciman. She has to be tall but shorter than the man. She has to have a sense of humor but not tell better jokes than him. The boobs must be large and perfectly upright on their own. Her body must be slim but curvy, like a Kardashian (preferably Kim). She is not allowed to have any ex boyfriends except for maybe the one who taught her how to please a man in bed. The woman must always be ready for sex and must have in her wardrobe at least 5 different role playing costumes. Ooh, who's running a fever and is in need of a naughty nurse to take his rectal temperature?
She must be fashionable but not high maintenance and above all, she must be beautiful.
Notice how I didn't mention her brains and/or intelligence?
All men ask is that the woman doesn't act smarter than their man. It doesn't matter if we graduated from Harvard with a degree in nuclear fission, just don't make him look like an idiot. If I have learned anything from all of my dates and relationships it's that under no circumstance appear needy. This doesn't mean that the woman is necessarily needy but if we dare text one too many times or want to spend time with the man more just one night a week, then we are crazy.
Got all that?
Now I sit here as a single woman (still) writing about relationships, dates and the constant need for cocktails. All the while, I am sure Jacob is sitting in front of his computer with a bra on his head, entering photos into the scanner in hopes that the perfect female specimen will appear in his doorway wearing only her underwear.
Oh and if you are a man reading this and disagree, then ask yourself this question:
Are you single? If so, why?