The smell of the holidays are in the air. Everywhere I turn, I see twinkle lights and decorated trees. It just wouldn't be Christmas without holiday songs and people in front of stores ringing a bell with a red donation bucket. Christmas is by far my favorite holiday not because of the crappy gifts I seem to always receive but rather the joy of the season. There is just something about the holidays that makes me ridiculously happy. There are only two things that could literally make Christmas time perfect for me... snow and a boyfriend. Both are very rare here in Las Vegas. The only white powder this city sees comes in the form of an illegal substance and as far as a decent man goes, well I will get back to you on that one. To be fair, I have met a few good men but they are either already married, gay or only date skinny women. This year I plan to give my relationship wish list to Santa instead of making a New Year's resolution to find my soul mate. That resolution usually works about as good as dieting does. Maybe if I leave out a bottle of red wine (to match his suit) and a plate of something other than cookies, he might just move me from the naughty to the nice list.
That red wine was such a good idea, that I went ahead and poured myself a glass.
I don't think that Mr. Clause should be the only one to have a list. Since I am a Virgo, I am very familiar with the concept of lists. I come home from work everyday with my pockets filled with notes that I have written lists on. I write down presents that I may have to get or grocery items that I do and do not need to buy. Wine, yes...cookies, no. I also keep an ongoing list of men that I have dated. If I've slept with any of them, there is a check mark by their name. I am that organized! Don't ask, I am not telling you my "number." Perhaps I should make a list of what exactly I am looking for in a mate. This way, Santa will know exactly who to bring me.
Cookies would go really good with this wine... I should change my grocery list.
Okay my big bellied gift giver, here are my needs and desires in no particular order:
1) I really want a tall man. When I say tall, I mean over six feet. I am 5'10" and would love to be able to wear high heels and not have my boyfriend look like a Hobbit next to me.
2) Please make sure that he has a job/career. In no way am I a gold digger but let's be serious, there will come a time when getting an IOU will stop being cute, just ask my mother. My dad gave my mom an IOU for every birthday and gift giving occasion which is probably why they got divorced.
3) My future partner has to possess a sense of humor. I am girl who finds laughter in everything. I tell stupid jokes (that only I laugh at), giggle at disgusting noises (like farts), and very rarely cry. Let's be clear, this doesn't mean I need a stand up comedian or a clown, but a man who is happy and knows how to enjoy life. Sorry Robin Williams, no offense buddy.
4) Must love dogs and have a heart for animals in general. I treat my dog(s) like they are my own children. This has nothing to do with the fact that I cannot have a baby. I have always loved dogs and will continue to do so. My partner has to share a similar compassion and never ever hurt my four legged kids. You hurt my dog, you lose your penis. You got me?
5) Religion is not my deal breaker. I believe in God and I pray but I no longer have a religious title. I am open to new ideas and beliefs but will have to put my foot down if he prays to a God that tells him to be a terrorist in order to get to heaven. I have one brother who married a Jew, one brother who married a Mormon and the other brother is married to a variety of addictions and has yet to find Jesus. I suppose 2 out of 3 isn't bad. All I ask is that he has a belief in God (and Santa of course).
6) I am a lady who enjoys sex so please bring me a man who has at least six inches below the belt and enjoys a variety of sexual pleasures. My stockings are always well hung so why shouldn't my man be? I am trying to keep this clean for you Santa but if I meet one more man who is addicted to porn, has a tiny package, can't kiss worth a damn or is selfish in bed, I am going to start playing for the other team. That means that next year I will be asking for a woman for Christmas. That's right, you heard me!
7) Trust, honesty and fidelity seem to be a rarity these days but my hope is to find these important qualities in my man. No one is perfect, which is fine, but there has to be a guy out there who isn't afraid to tell the truth and doesn't feel the need to spread his seed in greener pastures. I fantasize about a future without the fear of my boyfriend/husband cheating on me. This fantasy also carries with it the desire to have him not afraid of commitment. In fact, I'll take it one giant leap further and say that it would be wonderful to find that one that actually wants to get married. Come on, you and Mrs. Clause have been married for years so I know that it is possible.
I don't want to sound greedy, so I will end my list of demands. Of course there are little things that I would like such as a nice smile, good oral hygiene, snappy dresser, tattoos, doesn't sleep with his socks on and likes to cook but the above 7 will do just fine. If I need to donate more money in the red buckets or sing Christmas carols door to door, I will. I am ready to do whatever it takes to find a decent guy and to be in a long healthy relationship. The chestnuts are roasting, the egg nog is poured (with Brandy) and I am eagerly awaiting my present wrapped in a big red bow (that I can take off with my teeth)! Now I must go brush up on my carol singing and work my way onto that "Nice List".