A bit over a month ago, I went on a date with a man I met online. I say that I went on "a date" because it was just one. In fact, it was more like a job interview. Aren't dates really just interviews anyways? This particular encounter was no exception. Before our meeting, he had initiated conversation online and we had exchanged information via email. I knew that he was in his 40's, had a successful career, divorced and was the same height as me. We moved onto phone calls and texting. He could carry on a conversation and had a sexy voice. Wait correction, VERY sexy voice! He could easily have a strong career as a 1-900 phone sex operator. I am not the biggest fan of talking on the phone but with this lad, I made an exception. I also liked what I saw in his photos and let's not forget how important attraction is. So far, he was a strong candidate for my soul mate election. One important detail I didn't manage to find out in the process was his name. How could I not learn that right off the bat? In fact, he was listed in my phone as "sexy voice guy". During our last phone conversation, we agreed on a date that upcoming Sunday in Boulder City for brunch. Before ending the call, I asked him in a joking manner what his name is and how he replied was a bit shocking. His first name was the same as my deceased father's name. We are not talking about something common like John, Mike or Joe. No no, it was a name that whenever I hear it, makes me think of my dad. I then asked if it was short for something or perhaps he went by a nickname. To my dismay, his response was "No". Suddenly the hot sexy voice was overturned by his name. This guys poll ratings were declining quickly! After I hung up, I sought out the advice of a friend on this pressing issue. How could I date or let alone be intimate with a man who shares the same name as my dad? That is just beyond disgusting and down right wrong! My friend in all her infinite wisdom asked me if I called my father by his actual name or did I just call him dad. Of course I called him Dad and had enough respect not to call him by his first name. One of my brothers calls my mom by her first name to her face which always bothers me and just isn't right in my opinion. My friends enlightenment made me realize that I could date a man who shared my father's name and worst case scenario, when in an intimate situation, I could always yell God's name. Okay, problem solved!
Sunday afternoon rolled around and I had spent quite some time picking out an appropriate first date brunch outfit. I didn't want to overdress but still needed to make a good first impression. I put on dark blue jeans with hot pink heels accompanied by a simple flannel shirt. I made sure to curl my hair and have adequate but not too much makeup on. As I drove out to Boulder City, I got a text from him saying that he hoped I didn't dress too nice because he was only wearing shorts, t shirt and man flops. What???!!!! Were we going on a first date brunch or a football cookout?? Not to mention he decides to share this with me 20 minutes before I get there. I might need a new candidate prior to the election. I kept on driving and now even more nervous than I usually am for a first date. I arrived in Boulder City on time to find that the town was having a big arts festival and the downtown streets were shut down. The brunch spot that he chose just happened to be right downtown so I had to park very far from the location and make the hike in heels to the restaurant. Once I arrived, I had to wipe many beads of sweat off of my forehead and catch my breath before I went in. I walked in and saw him seated at a table for two sipping water. He stood up and greeted me with a long hug. My first impression of him was he had a great smile, shorter than he stated in his profile by about 2 inches, had a hair cut from the 80's and clearly posted photos that were not recent. Suddenly his negative column had more marks than his positive but I was still willing to give this little guy a chance.
I happen to be a girl who gets turned on by a man saying my name in conversation. "How was your day Christy?" or "Look at these earrings I bought for you Christy". Not that I am that vain where I am in love with the sound of my name, that is not it. It is just hearing the man that I am with acknowledge me by name really melts my butter. Now that I am saying this out loud, I am thinking that a call to my therapist might be in order. Hang on...
Okay, emergency session with the therapist tomorrow at 2 o'clock to address my issue of my name being a form of foreplay.
Not only do I enjoy hearing my name but I also like to use my partner or dates name as well. I think that it shows respect and interest. During this brunch date I found myself in a bit of a pickle because I just couldn't say his name. Every time I thought to say it, I would automatically think of my dad and that was too strange to be thinking of him while trying to sort out whether or not I wanted to play tongue twister with this little man. Half way during my Cobb salad I decided that carrying the conversation was too much work and I stopped talking and gave him the floor. I hate the almighty uncomfortable silence on dates so I tend to talk a lot. Since this date was mentally stressing me out, I just stopped gabbing and eagerly waited to hear what my father's namesake had to say. Get out the sharpie and let's add a few more marks in the negative column because this guy had nothing to say. He literally sat there smiling while he ate his bacon and egg scramble. Perhaps I missed the part of his dating profile that suggested he was a mute? Since everything else was working against him, I could at least enjoy his hot sexy voice right? Wrong again Christy! He had nothing to say and just smiled at me. I then decided to finish up the salad and start counting all 50 states in my head until the check arrived and I could leave.
I was well aware of my long hike back to my car as well as long drive home so I made a trip to the bathroom before I left the restaurant. I left silent Bob at the table to pay the bill and made my way into the ladies room. It was the smallest old room with a toilet much like an airplane bathroom. The space was so narrow that I had to straddle the seat with one leg on each side of it instead of both legs in front of me. I finished what I went in there to do and without thinking of the lack of space, I leaned forward as I got up and hit my head on the wall. The impact was so hard that I fell back to the toilet and had to sit for a second until the stars left my vision. Once I got my composure, I washed up and had a bit of a giggle at the giant red mark left by my unfortunate encounter with the wall. Upon exiting the ladies room, I found Mr. Smiley standing there waiting to escort me out. He asked me where I parked and once I told him I thought for sure he would just say goodbye right there. Oh no, wrong again. He insisted on escorting me to my car and once we got to it, he hugged me and said goodbye. During my drive home, he called my cell phone. I was really curious what he had to say considering he had absolutely nothing to say during our date. To my surprise, he thanked me and told me how beautiful I was and he was hoping to go out again. Um I'm sorry, who is this and how did you get my number? Where was this enthusiasm 15 minutes ago? I was polite and said that we would have to see how the next week or two looks before making any plans. Then he went on to say that the one thing he meant to ask me was what my 5 year plan is and did I want to have children. It is official! This guy was running for office because not only was he crazy but he was suddenly needing to know my future plans. The next question was probably going to be in reference to how I planned to save the earth and bring peace to the middle east. At this point, I had nothing to lose so I was honest and said that I had hoped to be in a committed relationship and as far as kids go, I was not able to have children. That did it... end of election! His voice dropped an octave as he told me that he felt deceived and me not being able to have children was something that I should have put in my profile online. He then said that I was wasting his time and by not disclosing my lack of uterus online, I was in fact a liar. He said that he wanted to be married again and wanted more children. He finished by saying that at his age he just didn't have time to waste on women like me and need to focus on those he can have a future with. I must have hit my head harder than I thought because there was no way that this conversation was actually happening. Once I apologized for misleading him and said goodbye, I hung up the phone in complete shock. I arrived back at home and was sure to block this nut job from my profile online. I believe that I dodged a bullet with this whack job and wish I could have dodged the bathroom wall as well. He may have left the picture but my headache stuck around for quite some time.
On the bright side, my head contusion was good reason to open a bottle of wine and break out the pain pills. Cheers!
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