Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Anyone that has ever been on a airplane or even plans to be for the first time, is well aware of the almighty bag restrictions. If your bag is this size, weighs this much or doesn't fit into a small space, it has to be checked on and better yet, will end up costing you more money. I personally take full advantage of the rule that allows you to bring on board one small personal item as well as a carry on piece of baggage. I find the largest purse that I have and pack it completely full of my toiletries, accessories, magazines and hair tools. The carry on luggage then gets packed full of my undergarments and nighties. After all of that, I still need to check on 2 large (under 50lb) bags that house the clothing and shoes. I can't help but envy the men that I see carrying on a laptop bag (personal item) and then a small carry on that literally holds everything they need. It completely fascinates me! I guarantee if you ever observe the baggage claim carousels in the airport, most of the luggage being claimed is by women. If you happen to see men at them, they are merely there to accompany the women and to carry their bags.
So, what does this have to do with dating you might ask? Well, the older I get (mid 30's) and the more men I meet, the more I realize that we all have baggage. I believe that as soon as we graduate high school, we have officially purchased our first set of matching luggage. First job, first kiss, first love, first heart break and for some, losing our virginity. These days you may even find that a lot of students graduating from junior high school have these accomplishments under their belts....Lord help us all! Fast forward 20 years and not only have we added to our lists of great loves, heartbreak and careers but now we have to added children, mortgage, debt, disaster, divorce and greater skepticism into the mix. It's no wonder why pharmaceutical companies are producing such a wide variety of anti depressants and anti anxiety medications. I'm confident that rehab centers would have a greater occupancy if people could actually afford to go. Sadly, it is cheaper to get drunk and forget your worries than to recover from addiction. Why do I bring all of this up and bring all of us down? It is all a part of our baggage. Forget the toiletries, shoes and clothing and make room for all of the emotional crap.
Hang on, all that talk made me so depressed that I need to go wash down a few Valium with a Rum and diet coke (no carbs ladies).
Now that I am under the influence and feeling better, let's continue...
If you ever find yourself on the dating websites or even on blind dates (good ol' friend of a friend connection), you'll either read or hear the words uttered "please, no baggage". What you will also find is that it is men making this request of women. It seems as though men believe that it is we, the almighty female, that carry the most emotional baggage. Why is this? Is it assumed because women carry very large expensive handbags or merely because women are known for being over emotional and highly irrational? Is that really the reason we have more luggage on flights? We are no longer packing 20 pair of shoes, instead we are squeezing every bit of our emotional past into a confined space sealed by a zipper. That is why zippers are so unstable and tend to break. Our emotional drama is literally busting out the seams!
Buckle up boys and girls...here is where it gets bumpy! Not to worry, the bitchy flight attendants will be by shortly to serve you a beverage and tiny bag of nuts(be sure to ask for two).
While I do agree that women tend to be more open with their emotions, I do not agree that we carry more baggage. Yep, we just hit turbulence! Amongst the many lessons I have learned from failed dates and relationships is that men actually do carry very large expensive bags with them especially on the first date. Ladies, it is true! I have heard men complain and some even cry about how women have screwed them over and made them unable to trust again, bla bla bla.. and all of this over the first drink on our initial date. I have to admit that there is nothing sexier and more attractive than a man whining about the evil women of his past while making the pathetic attempt to get me to go home with him. Check please!
Men, if you are lucky enough to get us to a second date or even a committed relationship, please do not continue to compare us to the train wrecks of your past. For example, if you were dating or married to a jealous woman who had to know what you were doing every second of the day, then that doesn't mean we (your current partner) are repeating their behavior merely because we text or call to say hello. We make those particular gestures because we are thinking about you! When women are happy with a man, we let them know by doing the little things. We call, text, email or greet you with a big hug and a kiss when we see you. Also, if we happen to ask what you are doing or where you are, we are either striking up conversation or might need you to pick something up (tampons) for us on your way home. Women aren't accusing you of skirting around...really.
Now might be a good time to mention that if you men have found yourselves in the middle of a war with your ex because of the her physical insecurities, it does not mean that the next in line will battle over it too. If your female partner in crime doesn't like you looking at other women in public, it doesn't mean we are insecure. Put on your oxygen mask and catch your breath, this is not a joke! When we get to spend time with the man with whom we adore and then catch them eyeballing another woman, it just pisses us off! Call me crazy but if we are with you, then appreciate it and keep your eyes on the prize. Go ahead and stare, drool and fantasize all you want but not when we are sitting across from you. What you don't seem to realize is how much effort we put into our appearance. There is a reason it takes us so long to get ready before we go out. We don't do it to admire ourselves in a mirror all night, it is for you...the man. We want to be appealing to you and further more, we would love nothing more than for you to notice it and appreciate it. If we put on something pretty or spend an hour making sure every single hair is in place, that means we have confidence. The smallest thing that means the most would be a compliment for our efforts. Nice dress honey, you look beautiful, your boobs look hot...anything! Just don't make a mockery of our hard work by giving that silent compliment to a complete stranger walking past our table. Again, we are looking hot for you, not for ourselves. Okay, so put that bag in the garbage where it belongs and stop carrying it over your shoulder.
One final important note would be the oh so touchy subject of 24 karat gold encrusted bags also known as gold digging. Now I grant you that there are many women out there searching for the winning lottery ticket with a penis attached to it, but that doesn't mean that all women are greedy whores. If the ex wife or girlfriend took you to the cleaners and walked away with half of your good fortune, then don't take that out on your new relationship. Here is the perfect example! Valentines Day, we are all familiar with it. I hear a lot of men and women say that it is just a day to pour money into the flower and jewelry economy, but it is also a day to remind yourselves and partners just how much you love them. Okay, it is also a day where single people tend to get drunk and jump off the nearest bridge. I give you that. However, when that day in February arrives, us girls do anticipate how our men are going to show us their love. Every time a fresh batch of flowers gets delivered to our work, we hold our breath and wait to hear whose name is on that card. If by the end of the day we did not get any flowers, then we are hoping that there is something good in store for us when we get home. Let me repeat myself, this does not mean we are gold digging. This means that we would love a little gift on this day to show you care. Here is the biggest secret for you boys that you may not know, if you give us anything, a card, chocolates, jewelry or flowers then you in return, will get a blow job and penetration. Hell, we might even really take one for the team and swallow. You heard me! However, that might require a significant piece of jewelry. Just sayin'. This Valentines Day gift giving also applies to birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas. For all of you married folks that have been together for years and think that gifts aren't important for either the husband or wife, WRONG! Think about it. It's been years since your partner gave a gift, made a loving gesture or gave you multiple orgasms so why not now? After 10 years together, if your wife wants something nice on Valentines Day, that does not imply that she intends to take half of your net worth. Put that baggage away and appreciate that if you give her a little you will get "it" in return.
I have so much more to say about baggage and of course women carry their share too, but I am continuously amazed at men and how far they are willing to carry it. For now, let's put our tray tables and seats back in their full upright position and prepare for landing. Be sure not to forget to check the overhead compartment for your bags and be aware that they may have shifted during flight.