Sunday, October 9, 2011
Check yourself before you wreck yourself!
I used to work in Podiatry and my days consisted of working on patients with diabetic foot wounds, fractures, heel pain, ingrown toe nails and fungal nails. I know you're thinking that with all of that excitement, why would I want to date? As shocking as it sounds, I still found time to search out "the one". The majority of the foot patients were Medicare card carrying seniors and so I knew that I would have to journey out of the office to find a man...a younger man.
I was still shopping for men on the online dating site and there was one particular gent that I had been communicating with for a few weeks but our schedules just never allowed time for meeting. One day the clouds parted and divine intervention made way for us to finally meet for dinner. Since my apartment was far from work and the restaurant he chose was close to the office, I just brought everything to work to change into and freshen up with prior to our date.
I am pretty sure that on this particular day there was a special run on diabetic fungal nails because I had spent over 8 hours filing and clipping down yellow diseased toe nails. That's it! No fractures or ulcerated wounds. The worst part was that by the time my shift ended, I only had enough time to change out of scrubs and spritz on perfume. I got in the car and nervously drove to the restaurant. My only hope was that the lighting would be poor and he would be partially blind. After all, I didn't even have enough time to even fluff up my hair or apply a fresh coat of makeup.
I had arrived a few minutes late and he had already text to say that he was at a table towards the back. I walked in and found him (he actually looked like his photo). He stood up and greeted me with a big hug and then we both took our seats. I was very happy to see that our particular section was not well lit and there was only a small tea light candle on our table. We exchanged small talk, browsed the menus, got cocktails and then ordered our dinners. He asked a lot of questions about what I did for a living and was fascinated by the fact that I could be around feet all day and it not bother me. I kept trying to shift the focus onto his profession (divorce attorney) and get some stories out of him because I am sure he had plenty. He finally confessed that feet "gross him out" and never in a million years could he have a job that involved feet. This was working to my advantage because not only did he now admire my ability to be around disgusting feet all day but I thought that I could quickly work my way into sainthood!
After dinner, we ordered more cocktails and couldn't stop talking. We talked about everything and there was an obvious attraction between us. Before either of us knew it, we had been there all evening and the rest of the place was empty. No sooner did he suggest we go downtown and listen to a band and spend more time together, the lights all came on in the restaurant. The staff was clearly trying to drop a hint for us to shut up, pay the bill and leave. He stood up and said he was going to go pay and then use the restroom and then we could go. He walked over to my side of the table to kiss me and just as he got close to my lips, he pulled back with the most nauseated look on his face. He immediately said in a high pitched voice "what is in your hair"???? I was horrified! My first thought was that maybe it was a bug which would have freaked me out too! He then started pointing and had put his other hand on his stomach and kept saying "what is it what is it"!?!? I reached my hand up and pulled on my hair in the area he was pointing to and there it was, a yellow fungal toe nail chunk. I wish I was kidding but nope, it was a toe nail clipping from one of the patients earlier that day. I got it out and tossed it to the floor all the while trying to hang on some sort of dignity and trying not to look as mortified as I felt. I tried to tell him why it was there and to assure him that it wasn't going to hurt him. Forget it! I couldn't finish my explanation because he interrupted and said that he couldn't handle that. He was so repulsed by it that he said he was sorry but that was something that he was just not okay with and wished me luck, said goodbye and even turned around why I left. He couldn't even look at me! So I did the walk of shame out the doors and drove home cursing my date, my bad luck, and every single yellow toe nail in the world! "Damn you fungus"!!!
As I write this I am thinking that yeah, maybe he overreacted or maybe I should have run a brush through my hair prior to the date? Or maybe I just have to say that it takes a special woman to deal with disgusting feet by day and still have the desire to brave the dangerous world of dating by night. I might just be entirely full of crap because not long after that horror... I resigned from podiatry.