A date in the life...

A date in the life...

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Lesser Expectations

Do you hear that?  Listen closely because if you do you'll recognize that it is the sound of the soothing pour of a freshly opened bottle (okay box) of the finest Merlot that $10 can buy.  I finally bought that particular glass that holds an entire bottle of wine.   As much as I love it, it does carry with it a certain amount of guilt.  On the bright side, I save time by not having to refill my glass repeatedly or suffer from uneven biceps by constantly using my right arm to life the bottle.  However, by the time I finish the glass I feel my bubble burst when I realize that there is no more to pour.  I suppose I could be bothered to open a new bottle or I could just buy a box.  Ding Ding Ding!  It is a win win situation.  You see, not only do I fill a bottle size glass but when it's time for a refill, I actually have wine to drain from that cute little plastic spout.  Now go ahead and fill your glass (despite the size) and join me for story time...

Tastes pretty good doesn't it?

Besides discovering all of the incredible benefits of cardboard vs. glass, I have also managed to be brave and revisit the world of dating.  I know I know, you'd think I would have learned my lesson by now given all of the mishaps and train wrecks I have been involved in but no, I hang on to that little drug called hope (and sometimes Xanax).  One might also assume that after all this time and my lengthy silence that I may have found "the one" but you'd be wrong again.  I did manage to stumble across several liars, men hung up on other women and one millionaire.  In fact, I could rewrite the 12 Days of Christmas song with the bone heads I have met over the last twelve months but I'm just not sure that "3 unemployed, 2 alcoholics and 1 millionaire" is as festive.  With so many to choose from, which one do I feel like divulging the dirty details about?  To be honest, it is quite difficult to pick just one wiener, sorry winner, from the loser olympics.  So how about instead of choosing just one to share, I let you in on a little experiment that I am currently partaking in?

Time to tip the spout!  You see, with a box there are still refills available...

I have always made sure that when I agree to meet a new man, that there is a certain amount of attraction.  Let's not forget about the list I gave to Santa in the past regarding features such as height, hair or the lack of, muscles etc... and although that big fat jolly man provided such men throughout the year, all of them missed the mark.  So four weeks ago I decided to go and pay a visit to Mr. Clause and discuss my ranking on this years naughty and nice list.  After we went through the list and I found that I had landed smack dab in the middle of it, I went ahead and started the negotiation process for the type of man I am looking for in the year ahead.  After my new and improved list of demands, er um I mean qualities I would like, he began to laugh.   Okay it wasn't just laughter, it was more like a loud roar that made his belly jiggle like a bowl full of jelly (or a bottle of wine after dropping it... more reason for a box).    I was suddenly embarrassed as I realized his hysterics had drawn a crowd, or maybe it was just a line of kids waiting their turn, but still I had to leave and rethink my requests.   

After licking my wounds of humiliation, I thought long and hard about what matters most to me when choosing a mate.  Let's not be silly, of course I would still like a taller man with a career, a home, vehicle and no outstanding warrants but in the column of physical attributes, I had to make some minor adjustments:

1. Does not have to have a shaved head.   Hair is okay but it can't be long.   The 80's are over, sadly. Don't get me wrong, I love the big hair bands who gave us "you give love a bad name" or "she's my cherry pie" but when it comes to hair, above the ears not down your back.  Thank you and rock on!
2. The tattoos are now optional but not required.  Sigh....
3. Muscles are wonderful but it isn't a deal (or brick) breaker.
4. The one thing I won't budge on is height.  Be as tall as me or taller.  When a man's face just barely reaches my cleavage well.... hmmmm, maybe I will have to get back to this one later.
5. Full set of teeth whether real or fake just have some pearly whites visible when smiling.

After compiling my new list of desired male traits, I realized that I am willing to date a man that isn't that attractive or necessarily has to be cute.  You see, nowhere in that list did I mention good looking or sexy.  Just be taller than Danny Devito and have some chops to chew food with.  Armed with my revisions, I headed back to the North Pole located at the local mall and had a chat with Santa.  I sat next to his lap (didn't want to hurt the old goat) and told him that I was ready to renegotiate my Christmas wish.  The conversation went very well and instead of laughing, he actually told me that he was proud of me opening my mind to the possibility of falling in love with an unattractive man.  I was so happy to hear this from him not only because I felt that I did good by lowering my standards but also I could smell alcohol on his breath so clearly we were on the same page.  I gave him a hearty high five and he gave me a "ho ho ho" (or did he call me that) as I walked away from his winter wonderland.  

I arrived home just in time to have some liquid dinner and give further thought to my new plan.  If I find or meet a man who is not attractive, I will be open minded to going out with him.  So what if I can't look at him sober or require dim lighting at all times?  As long as he is kind, honest, funny, single, not a felon and makes an honest living then he is a candidate.  This experiment will commence once the last of the egg nog and Brandy has been poured, the Christmas trees has been put back in their boxes and the dogs holiday sweaters go back in the closet, I will then begin my quest.  Until then, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Cheers!

...and be sure to recycle those boxes ;)

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