As I sit here sipping a light Cabernet, I am unable to get this idea out of my mind regarding my relationships. I woke up this morning wondering if I will always be single. This thought has not only consumed me all day but has also forced me to take a long hard look at my life. Let's be honest, the only way to truly dissect the facts is to drink wine, so naturally I am fully locked and loaded.
As I sift through ex files, I see a lot of men who ultimately were commitment phobic, cheaters, nut jobs and narcissists. I have dated some truly crazy mother fuckers but that doesn't mean I don't take any responsibility for things not going well. One relationship in particular, ended with me getting beat up by him while he was in a drunken rage. He doesn't "recall" it and blames the amount of alcohol he had in him but my coworkers and friends remember it clearly as they saw the after math on me. Why do I bring this up you ask? I can look back on each situation and pin point something I could have done differently even in the case of getting tossed around by a man who I was incredibly happy with until that moment. That particular evening, I was the designated driver to him and our friends during a night out on the town. After dropping off our company, we went back to my house. He was so intoxicated that he became very argumentative and determined to drive himself home. I did not want him leaving because not only could he have hurt himself but also an innocent bystander. He did not want me driving him home. He was hell bent on driving himself. I blocked him from leaving and he started yelling at me to move then my dog started barking. I saw him make a fist while looking down at my dog and my instinct was to protect my dog. In doing so, I then got pushed through a door (breaking it in half) and then experienced more of his rage before he eventually passed out. What could I have done to avoid that? I could have just dropped him off at his house before I went home. I didn't have to bring us both back to my house. He could have come back to my house the next day and picked up his car. A friend of mine at the time said that I should've just let him leave and not block him. Again, he could've hurt or killed someone and that is something I just couldn't live with. Wounds, bruises and bones heal but you can't replace a life.
Woah, that was deep! Already time to refill my glass... if you also need to fill up then go ahead, I will wait!
The reason I woke up thinking about this eternal single life dilemma is simply due to a dear friend of mine who text me last night after reading my latest blog entry and suggested that I may have to succumb to a permanent single life. In short, she said that I am going to end up alone with 20 dogs. I am not going to lie, that idea doesn't bother me as much as it should merely because I love dogs so much. Another good friend recently said that I have made a career out of being single. Not true and certainly not my intention but still struck a nerve with me.
Sidebar: If you abuse animals, then you are nothing more than a worthless piece of worm infested shit and deserve any karmic retribution that comes your way. Just saying.
Nobody, including myself, can say that I haven't put myself out there and given dating and relationships the old college try. I have given it the college try, grad school, med school and every sort of "try" in between. On the flip side of the dating coin, I have managed to know some men who I think I could really settle down with. So why haven't I? These men are not only rare but they are also unattainable. There are a majority of them who are already in a committed relationship but just looking for an affair. I am no home wrecker and not interested in adding that to my resume in this lifetime. The rest of them aren't wearing "single and ready to commit" signs, they don't live here or in the general vicinity (or in the same country) . Or is it possible that there is another reason? Maybe one little word that goes by the name "timing"? Yes, timing! That's it!
Speaking of time... it's time to sip sip sip my way into more inebriated wisdom.
What does timing have to do with relationships (or love as Tina Turner once asked)? Naturally one could deduce that I have met some actual assholes, liars and all out creepers but what about the good ones? There have been a few but there was a reason that they didn't stick. While in my 20's, I was in a relationship with a guy who wasn't really my cup of tea but we got along beautifully. We were not only compatible sexually but we also got along like best friends. As time went on, I found myself attracted to the guy who wasn't originally my type. This went on for some time then he suggested we move in together. So being in my early 20's (and not knowing better) I agreed to it. While at home packing one afternoon, boyfriend who we will call Sam, called and said his truck was in the shop and asked for a ride to a friends house on my way to work. No problem boyfriend! While at work that night, a young(er) girl asked to see me. She introduced herself then proceeded to tell me that we had Sam in common. In fact, I dropped him off to her house that day. Wait, it gets better. She also proudly announced that she was pregnant, they were in love and since he hadn't told me she felt it was her duty. Well shit! On my way home that night, I stopped by Sam's apartment and calmly asked him about the girl. He sat and very matter of fact said that it was true, he did love her but didn't know how to tell me because he loved us both. He happened to be sitting in a chair near the sliding glass door and next to me was a case of wine we had purchased while on a trip to a winery the weekend prior. Naturally, I grabbed a few bottles and slung them at him. I missed (sadly) and instead managed to break the sliding glass door. Whoopsie! In retrospect, that was a huge waste of amazing wine and a waste of a perfectly fine door. I really liked Sam and our time together but clearly the timing was wrong. I was young, he was not ready to commit to just one person and I foolishly wasted wine (something I would never do in my older and wiser age).
One of my best relationships ended due to poor timing. 100%, timing. He and I met due to the strangest of circumstances. My boyfriend was sleeping with his wife. Yep, you heard me! This man found out about his wife and then found out who the man was which lead him to me. I will never forget the day when I got the call. This deep southern voice on the other end introduced himself and then dropped the bomb. The man I was with and cared deeply for was the same one diddling this guys wife. Of course he and I split but there was this married (soon to be divorced) man who was devastated and needed a friend. He needed that person who wasn't directly involved in his family and life but equally understood what he was going through to talk to during this shit storm. So out of this mess we found a friendship. His name was Kelly and he was such a warm and sweet person. We found ourselves talking every single day. Eventually our conversations were no longer about those who we split from but rather about just everyday things and life. One night while talking, he told me that it may sound crazy but he had feelings for me and I couldn't lie, I felt the same. He then asked if we could spend some time together once his divorce was final. It was a really quick divorce as she was already planning her future with my ex so it took no time at all to complete. We literally came face to face the day after his divorce was final. We both dove in feet first and had such a good time together. It was that rare moment that I felt I had finally met my "soul mate". We both dropped the L bombs and couldn't get enough of each other. We even talked marriage. Then things changed. He became a bit distant. He wasn't so happy sounding anymore. Then I got the call. He said that it all happened too fast and he never took the time to deal with what happened with his wife, their daughter now living between two homes, his parents, the house and cars they had just bought when he found out about the affair etc.. He went on to say that he avoided all of the heartache and reality by jumping into a relationship. It was all now hitting him and he needed to deal with it. I couldn't argue with him. I loved him, I truly did but we did just dive into "us" when we were both cheated on. We didn't argue nor was it a bad conversation. It was just sad and honest. I told him I understood and loved him very much but I knew that he needed that. Then we hung up. I was heart broken. I missed him as soon as we said goodbye. Throughout the years, we have exchanged texts saying "Merry Christmas", "Happy Birthday" and so on but that's it. It was that relationship that made me understand the importance of timing. I believe that if he and I merely just kept it light and stayed in touch after it happened, that eventually once the smoke cleared that we would've been very happy together for the long haul. He was such a genuine and wonderful man and I am better for experiencing that time of my life with him.
Where does that leave me? Quite frankly it leaves me thirsty with an empty glass but that is an easy fix!
Since Kelly, I have had relationships and dates come and go from my life. I've even found myself in a situation where I was seeing someone who I liked right out of the gate and things were going well then he told me that it was moving too fast and he cut the cord. Some time later, he got back in touch with me and told me that he feels like he "fucked up" and blew it. Now to him I was the one that got away. So this round it was about his timing. To this day, we are friends and still chat about his dates gone wrong and so on. He's a good guy and I hope he finds that woman who has her shit together and his timing is on point.
Again I ask, where does that leave me? Sure, all of it has left me with lessons learned, a few scars, a chipped heart, good memories, tears and a deep adoration for the almighty vino but what else? I will tell you. All of it has given me wisdom. As my little internal clocks ticks away and I am reminded that I am now 40, never married, no children (but awesome dogs) and single, that I am still open to love. I am not so wounded that I think love is bullshit and relationships don't work. No. I am now being more cautious and treading lightly because timing is everything. I want genuine love despite what certain friends think. This man has to be single. He has to be looking for more than just wham bam hand me a tissue ma'am. He and I need to be friends just as much as much as we are lovers. Then of course the obvious things like trust, honesty, humor, attraction, a job, loves dogs etc... Sure we all have baggage but I want a man who has his bags tucked away and more importantly, a fresh battery in his watch so his timing is right.
Christmas is around the corner so happy holidays and if you come across Santa, ask him to throw a nice guy in my stocking will ya!