Sunday, October 30, 2016
Earth and Uranus
What is that noise you hear? That is the sound of the precious cork leaving the perfectly crafted bottle filled with an endless array of grapes squeezed into what can only be described as the juice of the heavens. I have poured my 32oz glass and ready to dive into this blank page and fill heads with my words of possible wisdom and inebriated thoughts.
So what is on my mind tonight? Failed relationships, psychotic first dates, men who believe that they are real vampires? No. I have actually been giving a lot of thought to the idea of men being from Mars and women being from Venus. Excellent theory and not to mention, sold a shit ton of books. It basically pointed out the differences in men and women and although I did agree with a lot of it, I think there needs to be a basic and more up to date version. One that is written by a female who not only has dated A LOT but also writes from a (wine filled) experienced female perspective and not from a man with a PH.D. Red wine trumps PH.D. Sorry John Gray. Let's face it, times are changing but the ongoing battle of male vs. female is not. Our country has gone bat crap crazy. We see and hear that "Black lives matter" at every blink of the eye, people killing cops instead of obeying the law, creating new terms daily for transgender (or is it gender non-comforming), an NFL player (asshole) refusing to respect our flag and Pledge of Allegiance because he feels like this country disrespects his race, there's an orange dick wad reality star running for president who thinks women are nothing more than a piece of ass and we have blown the idea of being politically correct right out of the water and replaced it by everyone being offended by EVERYTHING! You can't fart in your own home without someone being appalled or having an opinion about it. Look, it is actually possible to say something and not hear a running diatribe of how you offended someone or disrespected something. Just stay away from social media if you do express your thoughts and enjoy a nice bottle of wine instead.
**Sidebar** while I take in a few extra sips... that NFL moron should think twice about his patriotic protest. This country that supposedly disrespects you and your race is the same country that is paying you millions of dollars for chasing a ball around on grass and patting your buddies asses during the game once a week. You're welcome douche bag. So sorry you feel you need to sit instead of stand during the song of this great USA but I like will keep standing with my hand placed over my heart loudly singing the words of our allegiance all the while this white girl works her ass off for a tiny percentage of what you make. You call the white people privileged, I say that your ethnic ass is a spoiled moronic dick**
Woooh! Those rants feel good to get out. Like I said, if you don't like it (or what I have to say, then get off social media) Ahhhhhh....okay, moving on...
Are Mars and Venus really that different? Are they just planets and that's where the commonality ends? Is this really true of men and women? I believe that we are quite different in ways yet we are both still bipeds (although I would argue some men I've met being anything more than a penis and a set of balls). The fact that men and women are both bodies on two legs can't be the only thing we share. There has to be more but how do we connect the dots and the stars between the planets? I think it is simple. Communication!
Let me deconstruct... and refill my glass...
One BIG difference between us is sex. SEX SEX SEX! There are several ways to actually do the almighty deed, granted, but there are some big misconceptions in this department. Let's break it down (if you were a kid growing up in the 80's and 90's like me, then that has a different meaning). When us women know we are going to have sex, we get into the shower, wash our gardens, trim or remove the hedges, shampoo/condition our hair, exfoliate our skin and continue to shave everything south of our necks. Then it's on to the oral hygiene. We make sure we floss and brush our teeth then dry our hair knowing it is about to get smashed to our scalps and flailing in every direction once coitus is over and top it all off to make sure we either took our "pill", put in the diaphragm or put condoms in the drawer in case he didn't come packing. Now the men. What do they do? They merely have to take off their clothes. Next is the sex itself. Men must've been brought up being told (or watched too much porn) that us women love our boobs being man handled to the point of pain. Believe it or not, it isn't sexy or enjoyable when you treat them like air hockey strikers (those round things you use to hit the puck around the air hockey table). Kissing them, maybe a bit of nibbling is good but don't scar them for life. We already have to get the twins squished down to pancakes once a year for a mammogram and it is no trip to IHOP I tell you. By the way (another side bar) boobs are really just fat. That's right you heard me, FAT. There is some irony to be had here. What I've found in the dating world is that men want a thin woman with big boobs. They are turned off by fat yet the main feature (boobs) they are looking for are nothing but fat (and in some cases, silicone). Random thought I know, but one to sip wine on and ponder nonetheless. Okay where were we? Oh right, drinking and discussing sex. So after the breast squishing, men usually think they've accomplished four play and dive into the holiest of holes. Now, missionary is the more common position and in fact, my favorite because there is something so sexy about the weight of the man you're attracted to being on top of you and being face to face breathing each other in while enjoying the pure ecstasy. Men argue that it's a lazy position for the woman but what they don't realize is that it isn't all that lazy. We have to spread our legs according to the size of the guy. Our hips spread to abnormal widths and at times, we have to bring our feet up to our heads. Believe it or not, we don't do that in normal every day life unless it's for the Cirque De Solei shows. Guys ask us to get on top of them and straddle them like horses then ride them into the sunset. Again, not the easiest thing and a bit of work. We are basically on our knees, using the quads we never knew we had to help us slide up and down on your man pole. There is no perfect place for our hands so we have to balance our bodies with our core. Then you men take the opportunity to grab our boobs and squeeze the life out of them all the while we are working out as if at the gym to please you. Lastly, one of the other main and popular positions is the one and only doggy style position. Oh I can't tell you what a turn on it is to be screwed the same way our beloved furry pets are. We are on our hands and knees, staring at a headboard while we get pounded, hoping we don't knock our foreheads into a wall so hard we get a concussion. There's also the occasional whoopsie when you boys "accidentally" pull out then go to shove it back in but miss and try diving in to the poop shoot.
"Sorry babe I slipped."
"You slipped??? Your slip has now given me not only pain in my ass but the oh so joyful feeling that I have to crap."
Ladies, I would also be aware that you might have a urinary tract infection because Mr. Whoopsie just put his wiener in your butt then back into your vagina. Not sexy boys. It's disgusting, wrong and expensive after the trip to the doctor and prescription for antibiotics along with infrequent urination, cramping and burning. So if you insist of fucking us like Fido, then keep it in the designated hole.
The other component to the topic of sex is communication. There are a few branches to this tree so keep up.
What I find so fascinating about sexual communication is that it seems easier to fuck one another rather than discuss it. God forbid we actually tell each other what we like or dislike. Imagine (women) that you have a horrible gag reflex to the point that you have to watch TV while you brush your teeth just to keep your mind off the toothbrush in your mouth so you don't vomit? Now you meet Mr. Right (now) and you are turned on, hop into the sack and the first thing he does is pull his boner out and grab the back of your head directing you to suck on it? "He's so good looking and his last name sounds so good with my first name so we could get married so I need to just do it and power through". So you suck it up (so to speak) and take it in. Oh no, here it comes, the gagging!! So you move your mouth towards the tip (yes we girls can play that game too) and then use one of your hands to work the shaft while you do as little as possible with your mouth otherwise you will puke all over his genitals and no more future wedding. Hopefully this is just four play and not the entire act because if he erupts and doesn't even give you the oh so seductive tap on the head as your warning, you are getting a mouthful and no matter how many sweets he eats or pineapple juice he has ingested (that's a myth) it tastes like bleach and salt. If anyone says they like the taste, they are lying. So if the shlong hitting your tonsils didn't make you throw up, the unexpected burst of semen will. There is a flip side to this as well. Say you like pleasuring a man with your mouth but you don't want him to play out the grand finale down your throat, then what do you do? Oh no, you might have to communicate this!! What do you say? It's pretty easy. Whether you initiate it to be playful or he just grabs your head and thrusts, you really need to speak up. It doesn't have to be a serious sit down dinner but it can be easy. "Babe, I enjoy getting you excited by sucking on you a little but once you are really hard, put it in me". That's right, take charge! If he insists that he wants to make his O face at your expense, simply tell him that you'd rather not but it's far more sexy to take that bone and put it in you. Now, if he acts like a child and gets mad over it, show baby boy the door because ladies, you have just met a grown child and his tantrums won't only be in the bedroom. Then pat yourself on the back, treat yourself to a glass of wine and relish in the fact that you just dodged a bullet. This advice goes for the men as well. If you are a man who doesn't really get off on the almighty BJ perhaps due to a bad experience with teeth biting down or it's simply not your thing, then tell us. Trust me, we won't be upset by it.
With all that said, the next misstep in sexual communication is the sex itself. There are so many positions to be had when it comes to penetration but that doesn't mean you try to do them all the first night we sleep with you. Don't get on us then try to flip us over, then on our sides, then against the wall and onto the floor for rug burns just because you watch this done in porn. Sure, we all enjoy quickies, strong forceful sex randomly, long passionate love making or trying to get away with it in the pool surrounded by others hoping they don't notice but there is no deadline. Not all of it has to be accomplished the first time. We have to find our groove with you. Once you are hitting that spot, the last thing we want is for you to pull out, wrangle us over and try from a new angle. Boom! We have now lost our female boner and have to start over. Hang out in the area, let us enjoy the moment and more than that, let us woman have the almighty orgasm. Very hard to accomplish when we are running from one position to the next. Trust me. If we have a good time and you do us right, we will be back for more. However, if you are trying to win a triathlon in bed, we probably won't sign up for the next race. Just talk to each other! There is no sexier four play than actually talking about what you want or what you'd like to do to one another. Isn't it funny how we can sit across from each other sharing stories of our fucked up childhood, divulge our history of law breaking yet we can't look in the eyes of that same person and say, "I love it when you wake me in the night and get on top of me and go for it." Trust me, this is hot. Imagine the man you think about all the time tells you how sexy you are when kiss him between his thighs to get him going and spontaneously straddle his lap while he's on the couch? It isn't a critique, it is a compliment. Plus, you are getting what you want without offending the other person or getting his dick shoved down your esophagus. Boom!
That deserves a drink.
Here is when the Earth vs. Uranus comes into play. Women find it sexy to be told by their man that they love when the woman does this, that and the other to them. Men get told that we would rather do this or that then suddenly we have killed their erections and offended their manhood. Granted, the female race has been accused of talking too much but wouldn't it make more sense to be open and honest about the big bang (that magical thing that we actually have in common)? Don't just stick it in her anus (see what I did there), tell her that it's something you like or want to try. Either she is open to it or she has good reason not to do it. So now there is the option to opt out of the ride down the anal highway or call Uber and hop on in. Please, please, please do not just be going at it from behind then think that this would be a good time to pop it in. Trust me, that never ends well for either of you.
If you are someone who gets wet at the simple act of kissing, then tell the one you are with. Show me a partner who wouldn't be excited by this piece of knowledge. So what's the point of saying this or anything? Because then you get more of it. See! Communicating what you like can actually get you it.
Hell, all this wisdom makes me thirsty. Hold please...
Okay so I have given some strong examples of why communication is so important but why do I think that men are from Uranus and Women are from earth? I believe that men are afraid to express their feelings because they are raised that way. Be tough, suck it up, don't cry bla bla bla. Girls are brought up crying, playing out acts with their dolls, hormones with periods that make us ride an emotional roller coaster every month etc... So here we are as adults still acting the same way. Instead of dolls, us women still play with things in our heads and over analyze, we have a season pass to the monthly period ride and cry at commercials. Men are still roughing each other up, sucking up their emotions and would rather get hit in the head with a bat than have anyone see him cry. This leads to men doing the shit they have built up in their minds despite the consequences and women are either talking about it until they are blue in the face or over think it then too afraid to speak up in fear that they will lose their man. But what do these planets have in common? They share the same atmosphere. We all share the same space.
Above all, we are all human. We have feelings, wants, needs, pleasures and fears. Guess what? It's okay to talk about likes and dislikes without arguing. It is possible to share with each other and have it turn out just fine or even better. So do it. Be different, step outside of your own box of constant worry and let's talk. It's okay that the sexes are different just don't forget that we are also still the same in this crazy atmosphere of space.
Cheers my friends!