Mr. Right Guy or Mr. Nice Guy?

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there have the facts of life.  Instead of taking the good and the bad, what do you do when you take the good, the nice and you add in some handsome?  Honestly, I have no idea!  Where is Mrs. Garrett when I need her?  Any dilemma I have, she could solve in 30 minutes and still have time to bake me cookies.  Oh, if it were only that simple?   This happens to be the one thing boggling my little blond mind these says   So in the spirit of sharing my feelings (also known as my form of therapy), I thought that I would be able to sort it all out in written word.  I should preface this blog entry by saying that it is really more geared towards the female audience just as the wonderful 80's television show "The Facts of Life" was.   Although, I am a firm believer that whatever is good for the goose is always good for the gander. 

Due to a recent date that I went on, I have been in a quandary about nice guys and why they finish last?  I am beginning to believe that nice guys are so rare that when we meet one, we are scared and run in the other direction.  The idea is so hard to grasp that we don't know how to react once faced with such a mythical creature.  We've read about them in books, heard stories from our Grandmothers and have even seen them in movies (Forrest Gump) but in our world, they are right up there with the loch ness monster. I myself had heard of them and actually have met a few in the last 36 years but due to my lack of experience, I tend to find the nearest emergency exit and leave the scene of the nice guy crime. 

So, I had met Todd through a friend of a friend and we went on a blind date.  We each had been given the other's number and had sent texts and photos (only clean ones) prior to our meet and greet.  This went on for about 5 days and then he asked me out for a few casual drinks and a bite to eat. Once that day arrived, my mother had gotten very sick and I had to take her to the hospital.  I sent him a text to postpone our "meeting" because I wasn't sure what was wrong and how long I would be there with her.  He seemed very understanding and a few hours later, he offered to pick up the food of my choice and bring it down there to the hospital.  He thought I was probably hungry and hospital food is a far cry from 5 star cuisine so he wanted to get me something that I would enjoy.  I respectively declined his offer and told him that as much as I appreciated it, I just didn't want our first date to be in that particular situation.  Let's be honest, I looked worse than a DUI mugshot and didn't want that image ingrained in his memory.  He let me know that the offer still stood if I changed my mind and if I needed anything, to just let him know.  Here he was, a guy who had never met me, knew very little about me but yet wanted to make sure I had something decent to eat during my mama drama.

Days later, once my mother was on the mend, I felt that I could brave the first date with Todd.  We met on a Monday night at a local pub/restaurant.  I arrived a little early and found a table that faced the front door.  Roughly ten minutes later, he walked in.  We saw each other and as soon as he got close to my table, he turned and kept walking past me.  It's okay, breathe!  He was only being funny.  He came back and asked if he could sit in the chair to my right instead of across from me.  I wasn't totally thrilled with his suggestion but I went with it.  I had to rationalize his choice of seats by telling myself that he just wanted to be close to me.  It is a quirky thing with me that I don't like first dates to sit to my side and I am just more comfortable with being across from one another.  As he settled into his seat, I did a full body scan of him.  I may not be Van Gogh, but let me paint you a picture.  He is 6'4" tall, shaved head, nice eyes, full lips, large muscular arms, 40 years old, several tattoos up and down his large arms, dark goatee and if I forgot to mention, large arms.  He was very pleasing to look at and had already scored points by his thoughtful food offer prior to our actual date.  He put his hand out to shake mine and then formally introduced himself.  I shook his hand and then we placed our drink orders with our waitress.  The conversation opened with his apology for being a few minutes late which I didn't mind at all.  First of all, he actually showed up.  Secondly, he hadn't walked out on me.  Finally, he did not offer me ice cream then explain how he only dated fatties because we are eternally grateful to the almighty hot guy for loving "us".  This guy was scoring points left and right and didn't even break a sweat in doing so. 

After the typical small talk exchange, he went on to tell me about his life.  Let's keep in mind that I never once had to ask a personal question or walked on eggshells while asking about his past baggage.  I didn't have to ask anything, he just offered it up freely.  He told me that he didn't want to waste any ones time and just layed it out there for me.  What did this mean?  Was he a wanted felon for identity theft, deadbeat dad who skipped out on child support or a paid male escort who works weekends on Fremont Street?  Nope, wrong and none of the above.  He grew up in California from mixed race parents and he not only graduated from college but also served in the military.  He shared his stories of living overseas, under the sea as well as life on dry land.  I learned all about him and what made him tick.  Amongst all of the Todd education I was getting, we managed to order food and a few refills of our drinks.  I think he had more to drink than I did because his mouth was very dry from all of the talking.  So, I ate my dinner and listened on as he spoke of his teenage son, divorce and his dating experiences since his break up.  He didn't even finish his meal because it had gone cold while he was talking.  My food was really scrumptious and I was able to finish it because I didn't have to do any of the conversing.  This date was fantastic because not only did I not have to think up a list of topics and questions to keep it interesting, but he spoke openly and I just had listen and eat.  To top it off, I never found myself bored enough to begin the great state countdown.  Oh and get this...wait for it....wait for it.... he had a sense of humor too!   If you are keeping track, he was polite, good looking, straight forward, open and funny!  Someone smack my ass and wake me up because surely this was all a dream or a really bad acid trip.

Once the 3 hour tour came to a close, wait, I mean 3 hour date, he paid the bill (more points scored) and we walked out together.  He escorted me to my car and locked us in for a second date.  He told me that he was sorry for monopolizing the evening and wanted to take me out again so I could have my turn at show and tell.  Of course I told him "YES" and then he held out his arms to give me a hug.  I went in for the hug and he gave my right cheek a very sensual kiss and I melted.  This was no ordinary peck, no no, this was a full mouth kiss without the tongue.  I promise you that if I had a penis, it would have been pointing due north.  Once he finished and started to pull back, I pulled him back in and went for the full monty.  This guy had no choice but to get it.  That's right, I violated his mouth and I make no apologies for doing it.  Kissing his mouth was even hotter than what he did to my cheek!  He quickly pulled away because I believe he was also experiencing the North Pole effect.  That evening once I got home and settled into my bed, I received a text from Todd thanking me for a wonderful time and that he could not wait to see me again.  Nice guy alert!!  Ding, ding, ding...points flying everywhere!

We have a plan for a second date complete with dinner, live music and definitely more kissing but I spend my time wondering if I can handle such a nice guy (go grab Freud, it's time for therapy).  Here we have Todd who is nice and funny, good looking with manners and on top of it all, wants to see me again!  I keep finding myself stuck in the question of whether or not I can be with such a nice person.  Where is my typical jerky guy who treats me like crap and I still stay with until he leaves me behind in his heart breaking wake?  Better yet, I tell myself that I don't deserve such a man because I've made so many bad decisions in my life that my only karma is to get the heartless assholes.  I go to the great lengths to replay this date over in my head and try to pick out the bits of him that are bad and prove that he isn't one of the good ones.  Just as in love, I am unsuccessful in this mission.  I have to face facts that so far he is not a bad catch and it is possible that I may have cashed in my lucky penny and deserve a little piece of happiness.  I am not counting on this to end happily ever after but I do remain hopeful.   Then again, there is always the option that he is a complete lunatic that wants nothing more than to bury me in the desert.

I could just be jaded from my past relationships or very skeptical of people because of my profession, but I do know that at the end of the day I do deserve a small chunk of joy.  So I will continue my mission (impossible) and see what happens.  Although, I still think if I had that hot little red headed number Mrs. Garrett or roller skating Tootie to help me solve the nice guy puzzle, this would all be a lot easier.

Always have an exit strategy!

Hello everyone!  Let's all put on our most sophisticated attire and step into my time machine.  Be sure to take advantage of the fully stocked bar to the rear of the aircraft, buckle up and enjoy the ride!  On today's journey we will be visiting a period of time where I had found myself single after my longest relationship to date.  My engagement to the most boring man in the world had ended (thankfully) and I was on the prowl and feeling quite frisky. 

After several failed attempts to find a steady beau from the internet, I had decided to just have a one night stand.  This may sound crazy but I was tired of the horrible dates I had been experiencing.  Although they made for great stories over cocktails with friends, they certainly weren't getting me any closer to a relationship or intimacy.  These natural disasters were only pushing me closer to a life of therapy and/or rehab due to the amount of alcohol I was emotionally forced to consume.  So I made the decision to find a guy, ignore his idiosyncrasies and take him to bed then send him home.  Guys do this all of the time right so why hadn't I thought of it before?  This idea would allow me to meet the guy, have sex and not care about his weird habits, boring stories, several divorces or criminal record.  Perfect plan!

Now that I had this brilliant idea, I just needed the guy.  I referred back to the internet data base of single gents and scrolled through many profiles until I found the one.  There he was, the perfect sexual specimen.  His name was Jeremy, 26 years old (younger than me), tall, good looking and he had stated that he wasn't looking for anything "long term".  Hello!  Match made in internet scandal heaven!   I sent him an email, introduced myself and said that we had a shared interest of just a "good time" and would love to meet.  He didn't waste a minute in responding and after a bit of communication, we made a date to meet at a local sports grill that Friday.  Wait a second, back up....what did I just do??  Was I that desperate or just stuck on stupid?  Okay, maybe the answer is both but either way, I now either had to put up or shut up.  Or would that be put out and shut up? 

The night before my date, which let's be honest, was really just a strange form of foreplay, I got nervous.  I called up my close friend London who was almost my sister in law as she was married to my ex fiance's brother at the time.  However, she did up leaving him shortly after my breakup with his brother because he was also a giant loser and dumber than a box of hair.  She ended up living with me and my very large dog in a one bedroom apartment or as we called it "halfway housing" because we were suddenly free from our life sentences.  Got all that??  Sorry for the detour, just wanted to share that bit because I will come back to it again in the future.  So I called her up and told her about my genius plan.  She insisted that her and the idiot join us on the date (not the sex) to check him out before I take him home.  What a great friend and obviously the only one thinking clearly!  So I had called Jeremy and let him know that it would now be somewhat of a double date and he was fine with the revision. 

On Friday night, my friends and I arrived at the grill a bit early and got our table on the back patio.   Of course I treated myself to several shots and a beer before Jeremy showed up.  I was no longer nervous by the time he arrived. He was just as his pictures portrayed and looked harmless.  We all got along very well together and you would have thought we had all been great friends for years.  As the evening progressed, Jeremy and London's idiot husband were getting along like BFF's and before you knew it, us girls didn't even exist.  The boys were talking about comic books (snooze), ninja movies (bigger snooze) and the oh so sexy Japanese anime (code blue).  London and I enjoyed more cocktails or as I viewed them, courage in a cup and discussed my impending fling. 

We finally ended our double date and I asked Jeremy if he would like to join me for a cup of coffee at my place.  He agreed and all I could hope was that he didn't really want coffee because I didn't have a coffee maker.  Whoops!  As luck would have it, he didn't mention the nonexistent coffee but he did excuse himself to the restroom.  I waited near my bedroom door and when he came out he walked up to me and the smooching began.  He whispered in my ear that he wanted to sleep with me so....game on!  My plan worked!  No muss no fuss just sex.  We did a bit more making out and then got into bed.  I must admit that I was not turned on by his kissing because he was doing the Tasmanian devil tongue swirl that was far from sexy.  I kept reminding myself that I was just in it for the sex, not the commitment so I let the marathon tongue go and focused on the penetration.  Let's just say that the bad kissing proved to be better than the sex.  How do I say this?  Umm... okay here it goes.  Instead of a penis, he had a pencil.  It was long and very very skinny.  No, it wasn't skinny, it was anorexic.  This poor thing clearly hadn't eaten since the 80's.  Not only were we working with a lead writing tool but we also had a boy who could last longer than a man on Viagra.  He just kept going and going and I finally started my go to boredom game in my head (Maine, Vermont, Texas...) just to make time go by.  This was not the fantasy I had built up in my head.  I figured that in order to get this guy to finish and go home, I would have to really fake the "Big O" and hoped that he would follow suit.  My mouth was so dry from all of the Lamaze breathing, not to mention still drunk and now tired but still managed to pull of my finest performance.  In my best low budget porno effort, I faked my orgasm and wouldn't you know, that was all it took!  He went off and off and off some more then collapsed onto the other side of the bed.  Phew, all done...or was it?

I got up and went into my bathroom to get ready for bed and thought he would get the hint.  No such luck Christy!  I came out and there he was snuggled under the covers.  This was not something I was prepared for nor did I know what to do to get him to leave.  Go figure that a woman who plans everything didn't plan for her one night stand to turn into a slumber party.  This wasn't how it was supposed to happen.  Don't you have the sex and then leave?  Guys are famous for this so what did I do wrong?  I sat on my bed and said how great it was to meet him but I needed to get to sleep.  Jeremy then started to pull the covers back not in an attempt to go but rather to join him under them.  So I got back into bed and told him that I needed to get some rest because I had to leave town in the morning and it was going to be a long drive.  I figured if this guy wasn't going to leave then I had to at least make a point to let him know that I planned on sleeping, not more bad sex.  I set my alarm for 8am and as soon as it went off in the morning, I jumped up and got ready to leave for my imaginary road trip.  I walked into the bedroom after I was finished and there he was still under the covers and petting my dog!  Now I was getting very irritated and bluntly had to tell him that it was time to go.  Nope, still not that easy.  He said that he would stay and hang out with my dog and whenever I got back from my trip, he would be there.  It was official, the Lord was punishing me for my foolish and very slutty behavior.  As nice as I had been, I now had to get tough if I wanted him out of my bed and out of my life.  I forcefully insisted that he go and I was sorry but I wasn't comfortable leaving him there and he was making me late by procrastinating.   It worked!!  He got up, gathered his things and walked out the door with me.  I hugged him goodbye and said that we would talk soon.  Okay so I lied to him...or so I thought.

I ended up spending my day at a friend's house and told her of my sexcapade.  She was a bit judgemental but still insisted on every hideous detail.  Once the day was over and I felt the coast was clear, I went home.  Guess who was there in my driveway?  One guess...go ahead... that's right Jeremy!  Was this for real or was I just hallucinating from my overwhelming hangover?  I got out the car very annoyed and asked him what he was doing there.  He told me that he had left his cell phone in my bedroom and although he tried to break in to get it, he was not successful.  As we walked in, I was thinking up an excuse in my mind as to why I was home so soon from my long road trip.  Umm I was too hungover and turned around and came back or my car wasn't acting right or I came down with remorse flu...  He got his phone and asked if I wanted to hang out which before he could finish the question I said "NO"!  It might have been rude of me but at this point I was just done with the entire situation and wanted it to be over.  As he left, I gave him a pat on the back and said goodbye. 

If you have ever danced around the idea of a one night stand, please learn a lesson from my misery.  Not only should you plan out the date, but you should always be sure to have a plan in place for their departure.  You should also make sure that upon his or her exit, they have ALL of their belongings with them and leave not even a used tissue behind.  Furthermore, in this day and age (not that I'm that old) it really isn't the smartest or safest thing to do.  If you really need to have sex but don't have a partner, consider doing it with a friend.  Oh and ladies, if you get a chance to cop a feel of his merchandise before taking him home, do so.  If you can avoid bad kissing followed by even worse pencil penis sex by merely putting your hand below his equator, then do it.  Otherwise know that you only have yourself to blame, not the pencil.

Plus size submission.

One might ask why I keep hitting myself with a hammer?  I mean, we all know that the hammer is designed to pound nails into walls, make noise and inflict pain.  So the same could be said for online dating.  I know that it can cause pain but I am also aware that I need one in order to "get my nail pounded".  So I keep subjecting myself to the agonizing pain of online man hunting. 

If you are not aware or have not had to belittle yourself and join an online dating site, let me fill you in on how it works.  First of all, you have to create your profile.  This involves photos of yourself, likes and dislikes, your body type, what and who you are looking for, kids, pets and basically everything but your bra size (but trust me, a lot of pigs, er um I mean men, do ask that too).  Once you go live, you can start window shopping for your perfect specimen.  This also works the other way.  All sorts of men can check you out and oh do they ever.  Some are so hot that you think that they aren't real (some aren't) and there are others that are so horrendous that you hope they are tucked away in a prison cell for life (or should be).  Every now and then you get surprised by one that not only is good looking, but is also good on paper.  He makes a good living, likes dogs, not on social security, single and looking for more than a fling.  I was so fortunate to have one these rare breeds email me.  His name was Larry, 38 years old, never married, no children, owned his own home, great career and good looking.  What's the catch???  These men are so extremely hard to find and whenever I do happen to stumble across one, they are usually batting for the other team.  So imagine my shock when he contacted me! 

We did the obligatory email exchange and he was more witty with each one.  Then we moved on to the texting and phone calls.  He was still funny and even came through as charming.  After a week of this communication foreplay, he asked me out on a date.  He suggested meeting at Starbucks (which I never do as a first date) and then suggested that we meet for ice cream.  Don't rub your eyes, you read that right....ice cream!  No ice cream and cocktails or ice cream after dinner, just ice cream.  How does one dress for such a special event?  Do I dress in layers because an ice cream shop is cold or do I wear something cute and flattering because it is a first date?  Then again I could be completely overdressed because it is just ice cream.  After I gave this dilemma too much thought, I settled on shorts, cleavage flattering top, flats and made sure to do big hair and low key makeup.  There had to be some balance...a sexy single girl who enjoys the simple things.

I arrived to the ice cream shop on time and he was there waiting for me out front.  He looked just like his photos and might have even been a bit better looking.  I leaned in for a one armed hug and he went full in with both arms and squeezed me really hard.  I took that as a good sign.  We walked in and selected our treats.  We each got two scoops in a cone and went back out front to sit and talk.  It was a warm Las Vegas evening and so it made sense to dine out on the patio.  Yes, that was sarcasm. 

Larry was very talkative and very smooth.  He always made eye contact and was very engaging in the way he spoke to me.  So as soon as I finished my frozen goody, I went on to ask questions and to share a bit more about me.  We had a great exchange and I really enjoyed everything that he had to say (I never even got to count the 50 states).  He even said that he was looking forward to our next date and suggested seeing a show on the strip, no ice cream.  If you are waiting for the ball to drop... wait no more!  As the evening came to a close, we  touched on the topic of online dating.  He initiated the topic by asking what it was about his profile that made me interested enough to respond to his email.  I explained that I found him to be attractive, he seemed to have good qualities and it was enough to make me want to learn more and potentially get to know him better.  He seemed really pleased with my answer and then started to push his chair back to leave.  I should have just gotten up to leave but no, I had to turn the question back onto him.  I asked him what was it about me and my profile that had him interested enough to contact me?   Hang on, let me go grab a strong adult beverage before I tell you what happened next!

Okay, I am back with my Las Vegas Iced Tea.  I changed the name from Long Island because I like to keep it local.  Anyways, Larry  scooted himself back towards the table and grabbed my hand.  Ooh, this was getting serious.  I was a little turned on thinking he had something very flattering to say and who doesn't appreciate a compliment right?  He started off his list with my smile, blond hair, well spoken in my description, no children and that I wasn't on welfare.  He leaned in a bit closer and in a very soft spoken and sultry voice he said "I really like your size".  Okay, wait a second.  WHAT!??!!?  Larry then went on to say "I only date full size women because they appreciate a good looking, fit man and are very submissive".  Go ahead, go back and read that again.  You heard me.  He believed that bigger ladies are so thankful to have a good looking guy date them that they go above and beyond to please the man.  I now expected a film crew to appear and some obnoxious guy running out from behind a car telling me that it was a joke   No such luck!  I released my hand from his grip, pushed my chair back and told him that I appreciated our evening but it was time to go.  I turned to walk to my car and he followed me.  He got just enough ahead of me to stop me in my tracks.  He looked so shocked that I was leaving and asked me what the problem was.  I told him how ridiculous he was for saying that and further more how absurd it was to believe that.  I gave him the opportunity to say that he was kidding (which by the way, was not funny) or to elaborate in hopes that he could turn it around.  No, no no, it got worse.  He told me that women like "me" should be grateful that men like "him" even look at women like "us" and that when he dated women like "me", he found them to do anything and everything to please him.  He felt that there was nothing wrong with his belief and clearly I was the one with the issue.  I wanted so badly to hit him but instead I walked past him, got in my car and drove home.  I might have stopped by the bar first but eventually I made it home.

So again we ask, why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.  I know that one day I will no longer be subjecting myself to the horror of first dates and possibly find a partner who doesn't expect me to call him master and thank him for taking a chance on a woman like "me".

Check yourself before you wreck yourself!

I used to work in Podiatry and my days consisted of working on patients with diabetic foot wounds, fractures, heel pain, ingrown toe nails and fungal nails.  I know you're thinking that with all of that excitement, why would I want to date?  As shocking as it sounds, I still found time to search out "the one".  The majority of the foot patients were Medicare card carrying seniors and so I knew that I would have to journey out of the office to find a man...a younger man.

I was still shopping for men on the online dating site and there was one particular gent that I had been communicating with for a few weeks but our schedules just never allowed time for meeting.  One day the clouds parted and divine intervention made way for us to finally meet for dinner.  Since my apartment was far from work and the restaurant he chose was close to the office, I just brought everything to work to change into and freshen up with prior to our date.

I am pretty sure that on this particular day there was a special run on diabetic fungal nails because I had spent over 8 hours filing and clipping down yellow diseased toe nails.  That's it!  No fractures or ulcerated wounds.  The worst part was that by the time my shift ended, I only had enough time to change out of scrubs and spritz on perfume.  I got in the car and nervously drove to the restaurant.  My only hope was that the lighting would be poor and he would be partially blind.  After all, I didn't even have enough time to even fluff up my hair or apply a fresh coat of makeup. 

I had arrived a few minutes late and he had already text to say that he was at a table towards the back.  I walked in and found him (he actually looked like his photo).  He stood up and greeted me with a big hug and then we both took our seats.  I was very happy to see that our particular section was not well lit and there was only a small tea light candle on our table.  We exchanged small talk, browsed the menus, got cocktails and then ordered our dinners.  He asked a lot of questions about what I did for a living and was fascinated by the fact that I could be around feet all day and it not bother me.  I kept trying to shift the focus onto his profession (divorce attorney) and get some stories out of him because I am sure he had plenty.  He finally confessed that feet "gross him out" and never in a million years could he have a job that involved feet.  This was working to my advantage because not only did he now admire my ability to be around disgusting feet all day but I thought that I could quickly work my way into sainthood! 

After dinner, we ordered more cocktails and couldn't stop talking.  We talked about everything and there was an obvious attraction between us.  Before either of us knew it, we had been there all evening and the rest of the place was empty.  No sooner did he suggest we go downtown and listen to a band and spend more time together, the lights all came on in the restaurant.  The staff was clearly trying to drop a hint for us to shut up, pay the bill and leave.  He stood up and said he was going to go pay and then use the restroom and then we could go.  He walked over to my side of the table to kiss me and just as he got close to my lips, he pulled back with the most nauseated look on his face.  He immediately said in a high pitched voice "what is in your hair"????   I was horrified!  My first thought was that maybe it was a bug which would have freaked me out too!  He then started pointing and had put his other hand on his stomach and kept saying "what is it what is it"!?!?   I reached my hand up and pulled on my hair in the area he was pointing to and there it was, a yellow fungal toe nail chunk.  I wish I was kidding but nope, it was a toe nail clipping from one of the patients earlier that day.  I got it out and tossed it to the floor all the while trying to hang on some sort of dignity and trying not to look as mortified as I felt.  I tried to tell him why it was there and to assure him that it wasn't going to hurt him.  Forget it!  I couldn't finish my explanation because he interrupted and said that he couldn't handle that.  He was so repulsed by it that he said he was sorry but that was something that he was just not okay with and wished me luck, said goodbye and even turned around why I left.  He couldn't even look at me!  So I did the walk of shame out the doors and drove home cursing my date, my bad luck, and every single yellow toe nail in the world!  "Damn you fungus"!!!

As I write this I am thinking that yeah, maybe he overreacted or maybe I should have run a brush through my hair prior to the date?  Or maybe I just have to say that it takes a special woman to deal with disgusting feet by day and still have the desire to brave the dangerous world of dating by night.  I might just be entirely full of crap because not long after that horror... I resigned from podiatry. 

Measuring tape

There was an incident this evening that inspired me to blog about it.  Hmmm, where to begin with this?  Well let's just dive in shall we?  So my "friend" from back in the day with whom I spent the long weekend with recently read my blog and clearly it struck a cord with him.  He had to make the oh so big decision to disconnect with me as a friend or has he put it "it cost me the friendship".   Let me sum up the message I received from him for you.  Basically, what turned him off from me and what I did wrong was want to keep communication with him.  Whoopsie, my mistake.  It was quite the turn off for him when I wanted  to talk and text such as we had prior to the trip.  It seemed "needy" to him.  It was also very "odd" that I knew he was online dating and how I knew that was also odd.  Funny enough he is the one that told me about the site he was on in the past.  Of course I knew.

So, why do I choose to share this with everyone?  I would like to deconstruct this situation and break it down because men just don't get it.  If any "man" out in the dating world reads this maybe it can shed some light for them but if it is only women, then I am sure they can relate.

1) Women don't like to be ignored.  It really is that simple.  The truth is far more appreciated even if hard to hear rather than silence.  Silence is really the chicken shit way to handle a situation.  If you go from talking, texting or communicating in some way daily and then you just stop, we will ask why.  We will worry, want to know why and try to get in touch with you.  That doesn't make us "needy", that makes us normal for wanting to know what changed.  If you were into a girl and you both talked everyday, spent time together and then it all stopped, trust me you would try to find out why and would be butthurt!

2)  Men very much like to say that they don't want women with baggage or drama but what I am learning is that men definitely measure the new woman to the past women.  If your last girlfriend wanted to know where you were all of the time, didn't believe you when you told her or broke into your house to deliver gifts does not mean that me texting and wanting to chat with you equals the same person or behavior.  For that matter, if you were ever with someone long term and they were not giving you much attention or affection then maybe you have issues with someone that does.

3)  This might and hopefully will be the most obvious statement.   Listen up men because this is important.  If we connect with you emotionally and then connect with you sexually and still want to be with you, we are going to make an effort to be with you.  If you gentlemen decide that it just isn't your cup of tea then we would like to know ASAP.  Waiting for the phone to ring is something we all gave up long ago and to leave us doing so at this age is ridiculous and down right disrespectful.  If you don't have to balls to tell us, then don't wait for us to do or say something that you can use as your excuse to not want anything further to do with us.  Even an email or the easy way out text is your choice, it sure beats you pointing the finger after you are the one doing the childish silence game.

4) Women don't measure the strength of a man by the amount of guns they own, how many animals they kill for sport, or even the size of their penis.  Or the amount of women you've been with doesn't make you a stud, it makes you a player.  Not sexy.

So it is pretty simple.  Be honest, if you are done then be done and tell us so we can move on.  Also, don't measure up the next girl to the last one.  We may all have boobs but we are not the same.  Most importantly, if we text you or want to (God forbid) talk to you, it doesn't make us needy or crazy.  It means we like you.  I know that one is tough to swallow but grab a drink and suck it down.

On a personal note, if you don't like what I have to say, don't read it. 

The almighty glory hole...

I am rewinding a bit to the time when I first moved to Las Vegas 3 years ago and was online shopping...er um I mean dating.  I met a guy on the internet who appeared to be normal and yes I am using that term very loosely.  His name was Jarod, 39 years old, single father of a 10 year old son and had his own business.  So far so good right?  After several exchanges, we decided to meet for lunch while I was at work.  Ladies, this is a genius idea!  Typically you only have an hour for lunch and so if the date goes sour, you don't need an excuse to get out of the date because you already have one built in.  "I'm sorry, I have to get back to work.  My boss is a bitch and I can't be a minute late".  On the other hand, if the lunch date goes really well then he at least has an idea where you work so he can send you flowers. 

We met at a deli next door one day and he was not quite as cute as his photos showed.  I am thinking that he posted pics that were taken around the age of 21 not 39.  Being the non superficial and non judgemental angel that I am, I dismissed the lies in his appearance.  We exchanged chit chat over sandwiches and I wasn't excited but wasn't entirely bored either.  The big indicator of my boredom is when I find myself trying to name the 50 states in my head.  On this date I only made it to California, Nevada and Utah before I was pulled back into the conversation.  This was a good sign.  The hour was up quickly and I hugged him goodbye then got back to work.  He had text me that he found me to be pretty, funny and couldn't wait to see me again.  My toes didn't curl over him but I would give him a shot.

We started seeing each other in October and this lasted until Christmas time.  During this time I always felt like there was something just a bit "off" about him but couldn't figure it out.  He would cook amazing meals for me, send flowers often, have little gifts on my doorstep when I got home from work and my mom even liked him.  The only guy that my mom has ever approved of was the one ended up coming out of the closet.  For the record, he and I are still the best of friends to this day.  Okay back to Jarod.  We got along really well as friends and always had fun together.   There was occasional kissing and minor fooling around but overall I just wasn't feeling that spark.  We never had sex together and he would act like he wanted to but I couldn't even fake my into it. 

Fast forward to Christmas time and we had gone up to Lake Tahoe to my sister in law's house.  I had purchased a new couch for her and we drove it up.  We were there a few days and while in bed together one evening and after consuming several cocktails I had enough "spark" in me to try a little fun under the flannel sheets.  Things got heated and he started saying "No, no, no...don't do that, I don't want to get excited".  Are you joking Jarod????   I just got all hopped up on spiked egg nog and now you don't want it?  So I rolled over and went to sleep.  After we got back to Vegas, I ended it.  There was nothing physically there and he was a friend but this wasn't going to go anywhere.  I gave him the breakup speech "we can be friends...it's me not you...thank you for everything".   I walked away from it still scratching my hair extensions wondering what was it about him? 

A year had passed and he started texting me out of the blue wanting to know how I was, my dog, my family etc...  We exchanged friendly texts and then I got the message.  "You were always so easy to talk to and I can trust with you anything so I have to share something with you".  I could suddenly hear the theme song to Jaws playing in my head.  I knew this was not going to be good.  I stupidly replied with "sure, what's going on"?   I did not get any explanation or warning just two photos in one message.  Are you ready for this, are you sitting down?  I would have a trash can ready because this is about to get disgusting.  Brace yourself and just know that you were warned.  The first photo was of him giving oral sex to a penis through a glory hole.  The next photo was the final product which included Jarod and a mouth full of umm well, let's call it glory juice.  He took the pictures of himself pleasuring a strange man's penis at some random glory hole room in an adult store!  Let's take a pause to vomit...

Welcome back! 

What do I say after all of this?  I text the only thing I could say which was "What the hell??"  His response was asking me if it was too much or did I want to see more?   REALLY?!?!?!  Umm yeah I'm good, that was plenty, thanks!  It took me some time to be able to reply but when I did I had to ask if he was gay and that's how he chose to tell me?  Guess what!  He claims that no he was not a homosexual but it turned him on to give head to strange men and just something he enjoyed, period.  He had kept it a secret and needed to get it off his chest and out of his mouth apparently.  So I thanked him for trusting me (cough cough) and told him to be safe. 

I'm sure you are thinking that this is about as real as silicone breasts but I assure you, this is the honest truth (except for his name).  The moral of this sick sad story is that if you feel like there is something not right or just a bit off, go with your instincts and maybe check his bathroom wall for unnecessary holes.

Some call it Mars and Venus but I prefer to call it the heart vs. the penis.

This topic has been around for ages and never seems to have a different conclusion.  We've all heard it before "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".  Men bring home the bacon and the women cook it, wash the dishes, put the kids to bed, clean the house and top off the evening with a blow job for their man.  As much as we would all like the believe that men and women are equal and that we are evolving in our roles, I don't think much has changed. 

Even though I have not been married, not putting kids to bed or cooking anybody's bacon I do experience the challenges and large differences between the sexes.  You don't need to live with the opposite sex to know how different we are.  All you have to do it go on one date or merely exchange a text message and poof, instant antithesis. 

Recently I had learned a hard lesson on this particular topic.  I believe what had happened was I scared away yet another man in my quest to find love.  I had reconnected with an old friend from school through social networking and we had exchanged flirtatious emails, texts and eventually phone calls.  We had so much to catch up on (over 20 years worth) and there was never an awkward silence.  It was great!  As the days went on, I would find myself smiling more and eagerly looking at my phone in hopes to find a witty text from him.  I told him that he had put a new smile on my face that hadn't been there in awhile in which he replied with "you make me smile too".  As time as well as many inappropriate conversations passed, we agreed on spending time together.  He lives in California and I of course live in Vegas.  So I took one for the team and we agreed that I would fly out there for a long weekend.

As the trip approached, our conversations got to be more involved and deeper than flirtation.  We covered all sorts of topics including distance, divorce, disease and the most important topic...weight!  Oddly enough, he was the first one to bring this up as a concern.  He had shared that whenever I call him handsome, or good looking he laughs to himself and thinks "just wait until she sees me".  I had seen his photos and vice versa and I was attracted to what I had seen.  Granted, it had been many years and things change but I still liked what I had seen.  Yes, he had put on a bit of weight but I am the last one to care about that or judge someone for it.  I have always been overweight and what sort of asshole would I be to not want to be with someone for their own excess.  I explained that I didn't care, that I was very attracted to him in so many ways and if anyone has that concern, it is me!  After all, I have been dealing with the weight issue my entire life so of course I understand it.  In some strange way it was almost comforting to know that I wasn't the only going into this possible relationship worried about how I look (for a change).

The day arrived for my trip up there and after only a 45 minutes of sleep, I fixed my hair, did my makeup, shaved everything and put on a cleavage flattering dress.  I grabbed my bag and got on the plane.  Not only was our plane late but once everyone was seated, we pulled away from the gate and sat on the runway.  Then it happened... we had all heard the words that you don't want to hear on a flight.  "Sorry folks, we are experiencing a technical problem and have to wait for the maintenance team to board the aircraft".  WHAT!??!!?  Shouldn't that be followed by "We are going to board a different plane" or at the very least "Our crew will be coming by and passing out Valium with a shot of tequila".  To make matters worse, the problem is large enough that an entire team was called, not just one handy man!  After an hour of silent prayer, no cabin air flow and my large hair flattening out, the pilot came on to say "Good news, the light bulb has been changed and we'll be on our way shortly".  Okay wait a minute, I'm sorry...WHAT?!  A light bulb, are you freakin' kidding me???   I just wrote my will on a napkin and it was merely a burnt out bulb.  Was this all a well lit neon sign that I shouldn't go? 

I finally arrived and made one stop to the bathroom to assess and try to salvage what was left of my appearance.  My stomach was in knots and I was very nervous.  I finally forced myself out the doors and met him at his car.  He greeted me with a friendly pat on the back bullshit guy hug which made me even more nervous.  We had a long drive back to his house and so in my normal nervous behavior I proceeded to talk my head off.  Bla bla bla, giggle giggle giggle.  When I'm nervous I either vomit or can't shut up.  I chose the latter in this case.  Nothing says sexy more than a girl throwing up in your lap, right?  Needless to say, once we were settled in his house and cocktails were poured, I loosened up.  We sat and talked about everything.  Everything felt so comfortable and easy.  Eventually, things got heated up between us and we spent a lot of time on the couch like two teenagers afraid of getting caught by their parents.  There was quite a bit of making out and certain deeds below the equator.   It was very sexy and we were very compatible in this department.

We ended up spending our long weekend together like two people that were in a new relationship.  We were very at ease in each other's presence and had enjoyed a lot of physical benefits as well.  Anyone watching from the outside (let's hope they weren't) would have thought that we were very happy together.  The day came where I had to leave and we said goodbye.  Now I know you are wondering, when am I going back right?  Join the club!  I have not been invited back and in fact, he is happily fishing for women on an online dating site.   The text messages occurred here and there but they were texts I would have sent to a neighbor.  "How's your day" and "What's new"? 

My honest conclusion of this particular situation is that I got into that situation with my heart wide open and he got into it with his legs wide open.  I believe that in all of our conversations that the one subject that we didn't address was what we wanted out of it.  In my past experience I learned that approaching this topic was the quickest way to get a man to run in the other direction so it never occurred to me to bring it up with him.  Maybe this was the time I was to break the rule?  Well, you know what they say... hindsight is a clear seeing bitch or was it 20/20?  Either way, these revelations make you want to get drunk, build a time machine and go back and fix what went wrong.   

So I am bagging up that experience and putting it in the closet. I can only hope that the next one will want the sex and the relationship but I won't hold my breath.